Do you like to talk? I tend to think of myself as a fairly quiet person, but my husband may feel otherwise! 🙂

Regardless, most of us use a bunch of words every day. Those who are closest to us often get the benefit (or detriment!) of many of them.

This came to mind on Monday as I was reading Proverbs 10. I’ve read it often, but this time I noticed how many verses in this one chapter deal with our speech. I figured this topic must be important if it got this much attention!

Whether it’s in marriage, parenting, or friendships, our words have power. I found a few principles in the verses below that can be helpful to us. I’ve not mastered these guidelines that I’m sharing, but I definitely want to do a better job at them!

Here are five easy principles from Proverbs to help us communicate well with others.

1. Make sure that our words are refreshing and life-giving.

Verse 11: The mouth of a righteous man is a well of life: but violence covereth the mouth of the wicked.

We want people to feel better – not worse – after talking to us! I’m reminded of Proverbs 18:21 which tells us that death and life are in the power of the tongue. The words we speak should energize and invigorate people. If someone comes to us down and discouraged, what we say can give them new energy and strength.

The opposite of this could be criticism or using words that wound. Sometimes if we’ve been offended, it’s natural to try to hurt the other person with our words. Or maybe we get frustrated with their behavior and are critical of our husband or one of our children. If we want to be that righteous man, we must choose to either keep quiet or speak kindly.

After a discouraging day at work, our husbands need us to use our words to build them back up. When our teenager’s missed out on an opportunity she really wanted to pursue or had a friendship breakup, she needs our words of support. She may not always act that way – and may even use her words to drive us away – but she needs us to continue to pursue and encourage her.

2. Speak words of wisdom.

Verse 13: In the lips of him that hath understanding wisdom is found: but a rod is for the back of him that is void of understanding.

Speech that is discreet and prudent shows that we are wise. Here we need the Holy Spirit’s help so we can discern what to say at times. We want to be careful not to purposely offend with our speech, but to be tactful and considerate.

Verse 31 also fits in here. The mouth of the just bringeth forth wisdom: but the froward tongue shall be cut out.

Just like the fruit tree brings forth fruit, so we can produce wise words as we learn to be “just” and walk with Christ. I’m also reminded of the Proverbs 31 woman who is described as opening her mouth with wisdom and having the law of kindness in her tongue. I would love to be described that way!!

3. Don’t talk negatively about other people.

Verse 18: He that hideth hatred with lying lips, and he that uttereth a slander, is a fool.

At times I struggle with all of these, but this one may be the most difficult to abide by. When we find someone else who shares our less-than-favorable opinion about another person, it’s easy to just dissolve into tearing that person down. Maybe it’s all true…but it takes us back to that old saying, “Is it kind? Is it true? Is it necessary?”

Even more seriously, we don’t want to be guilty of passing on rumors or sharing false, damaging information about others. Let’s stop the gossip train before it gets started!

4. Recognize the value of silence.

Verse 19: In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.

I was talking to another mom recently about a situation involving our kids that we were frustrated with. I think both of us felt like we should march up to the authority involved and address them about it. But then my friend saved the situation by saying, “I’ve never regretted what I didn’t say in these moments.” She was absolutely right. That advice can keep me from speaking hastily or harshly and later being sorry that I reacted that way.

Let’s listen more than we talk. Remember Proverbs 17:18? Even a fool is considered wise when he keeps quiet.

5. Choose words that are appropriate and applicable to the current situation.

Verse 20: The tongue of the just is as choice silver: the heart of the wicked is little worth.

We’ve likely all been in situations where someone said just the right thing at just the right time and was a blessing to us. We may have also encountered people who ramble on and on (maybe about themselves) and what they said was of no benefit to anyone.

Verse 32 touches on this as well. The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable: but the mouth of the wicked speaketh frowardness.

It’s important, too, to leave the past in the past when dealing with our families. Don’t bring up that old argument with your husband or remind your child about how they failed the last time. Let’s stick to the present and speak in a way that helps us all move forward together.

Our words can be truth-centered, grace-filled, and honoring to the Lord as we seek His help to follow these principles.

Related posts:

• Don’t Be a Fool: Five Things to Avoid if You Want to Be Wise
• 10 Traits of a Wise Woman
• What Abigail Teaches Me About Discretion

My dad passed away on Monday, January 6, 2020.

It obviously wasn’t the way any of us planned to start the year, but it was all in God’s timing. My father was saved as a young adult, and we are fully confident that he went straight from here into the presence of God. Never is heaven more real than when someone we love dearly now resides there!

Our family was overwhelmed by the love and support shown by the many who knew and loved him. As the pastor of a church for 46 years, he certainly influenced a large number of people. But even more deeply than that, it was the impact he had as a person. He treated everyone he interacted with as though they were the most important person in the world.

Not only in life but now in his passing, my dad was a testimony and a motivation to me to live this one life well. There are many ways in which I want to be like him, but here are three that came to mind. Hopefully, they can be a reminder to all of us to use the time we’ve been given with purpose and intention.

1. Continually seek wisdom.

I loved the verse my brother used at the funeral service.

“And God gave Solomon wisdom and understanding exceeding much, and largeness of heart, even as the sand that is on the sea shore.” ~1 Kings 4:29

Dad was wise because he spent substantial amounts of time in God’s Word. He was a humble man who knew he needed God’s help if he was going to be successful as a husband, father, and pastor.

I and many others benefited from that wisdom. Especially when it came to parenting issues, I was quick to ask how he might handle a certain situation. And the same wisdom that was available to him is there for us as we seek it in the Bible and pray for God’s guidance.

2. Be compassionate.

In the verse above, it says Solomon had “largeness of heart.” That would definitely describe my dad! He was always concerned about others and what they might be going through and wanted to help if he could.

My tendency is to be focused on myself. I need eyes to notice the needs of people around me and then respond quickly. The Holy Spirit can help me to “Bear…one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” [Galatians 6:2]

3. Live for eternity.

I have no doubt that my dad heard “Well done, thou good and faithful servant!” He cared more about pleasing God than anyone else.

This week I was convicted as I read Mark 8:33 which talks about savoring the things of men more than the things of God. Perhaps we all have a tendency to focus on the here and now rather than viewing our thoughts, words, and actions from an eternal perspective. We’ll never regret time we spend in prayer, God’s Word, and reaching out to others.

There were hundreds of people at the visitation and funeral service last week to honor his memory. But they came because of what he did – which was care about people in order to introduce them to his Jesus whom he loved so much.

Related posts:

• 7 Steps to Becoming a Wise Woman: Live for Eternity
• 3 Truths About God from Psalm 91 to Encourage Us Today
• 8 Ways to Know if We Have Godly Wisdom

Do you ever deal with unrealistic expectations?  I’m afraid I would have to raise my hand here.

What exactly is an expectation?  The Oxford dictionary says it’s the strong belief that something will happen.

We just experienced a holiday that often causes people to have expectations.  Maybe someone expects flowers or chocolate (or both!!) or a fancy dinner out when Valentine’s Day rolls around.

Or maybe the expectation is to that you won’t do anything for each other –  and then you’re surprised when something really nice happens!

Unfulfilled expectations have been a problem for me at times.  But there’s one expectation that I hadn’t really thought about having until I read this quote.

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” ~Donald Miller

I don’t think I would ever have said out loud that I expect anyone here on earth to be perfect.  But the more I thought about it, I realized that maybe I do.

As with most things, I start with those closest to me, the ones who live in my house.  Do I expect my husband to read my mind about how I’m feeling today?  Do I think he’s going to always think, do, or say exactly what I think he should?

How about my children?  Do I expect that they will never make mistakes?  Am I totally surprised when they respond with a bad attitude or don’t keep their room as neat as I would like it?

If I put these expectations on my family, I’m going to be frustrated on a daily basis.  And I’m definitely going to have a hard time liking them!

This can extend to our friends or our coworkers.  We think, “Well, she let me down because she didn’t do this or remember this.”

If we can let go of what we expect of other people, the perfection we think they should have (or should at least be striving for!), we have a greater chance of liking them.  I want to like these people!  I want to appreciate my family, my friends – even strangers I meet – for who they are without piling my expectations on top of them.

I need to quit expecting them to never hurt my feelings, to always read my mind, to always do things my way.

We’re humans.  We’re going to disappoint each other.  And I certainly hope that no one is waiting around for me to be perfect!

I actually found this Donald Miller quote in Kay Wyma’s latest book, Not the Boss of Us: Putting Overwhelmed in Its Place in a Do-All Be-All World.   Kay takes it in a whole different direction.  She says this about his quote.  “...I think we can quickly agree with [it] – until we make ourselves the subject of that admonition.  As in ‘When you stop expecting [yourself] to be perfect, you can like [yourself] for who [you] are.'”

Do you expect yourself to be perfect?  Again, I don’t think this is something we would think to express, but perhaps in some way we do.

If we know Jesus, our desire is to do right as we follow Christ and have the Holy Spirit’s help.  But when our sin nature wins, as it will, we can be so hard on ourselves.

When we spout angry words or lose our patience or miss an opportunity to minister to someone, we can beat ourselves up.  And while we need to ask forgiveness, and make it right, we can also accept the fact that we’re not going to attain perfection here.

Each time, hopefully, we grow a little more and learn to be more Christ-like.  But that same grace we extend to others can trickle down to ourselves.

And maybe it’s not even a sin we’re talking about here.  Maybe we forgot to pack that note in our child’s lunchbox or missed sending a birthday card to a relative or even just burnt supper.

It’s okay.  We’re going to mess up those things, too.

So in the future, I want to work on releasing any expectations I’ve put on others to be perfect…and give myself that same gift.

Related posts:

Letting Go of Expectations and Entitlement

10 Simple But Powerful Pieces of Life Advice

5 Ways to Show Grace to Others

Do you consider yourself a conflict-avoider? Or are you someone who’s ready to address conflict head on?

I am squarely in the “avoid conflict at all cost” camp! However, even I know that sometimes we have to address conflict in our lives. If we have any relationships with other people, there’s going to be a disagreement at some point.

Even for those who don’t mind stepping into conflict, there’s usually a better way to handle it than just blindly going at it full force!

In 1 Samuel 25, we see a woman who wisely handles conflict. Even though her husband is the source of the conflict, she steps in and manages the situation well.

You likely know the story. Abigail’s husband, Nabal, has refused to give any supplies to David and his men despite their good treatment and protection of Nabal’s shepherds while they were in David’s area. David tells his men to arm themselves, and they set off to attack Nabal.

In the meantime, one of Nabal’s men goes to Abigail and tells her what’s going on. She immediately goes into action, gathers a large group of supplies, and sends servants ahead of her with the supplies to meet David. She follows.

Then comes the scene of her meeting face-to-face with David. Here’s where I find these three simple truths that can help us when we are involved in a conflict. (Let me say up front that these apply when dealing with typical conflict in an otherwise healthy relationship. If abuse or other harmful behavior is involved, this wouldn’t be the recommended solution.)

Enter the situation with an attitude of humility.

Verses 23 and 24 say, “And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid.”

Abigail didn’t march up to David and accuse him of being on the warpath to attack her husband. She didn’t begin with a list of David’s faults and vent about how offended she was by him. No, she approached him in a humble manner.

She also didn’t blame anyone else. Certainly this conflict was all of Nabal’s making, but Abigail was willing to take the blame for what had happened.

Since I naturally struggle with pride, I need the reminder of Proverbs 13:10. “Only by pride cometh contention…” It’s going to be very hard to resolve a conflict if neither person is willing to set aside their pride. Let’s be the ones willing to humble ourselves and take the first step toward reconciliation.

Think through the best way to approach the situation before you start.

Abigail speaks to David in verses 30-31.

“And it shall come to pass, when the Lord shall have done to my lord according to all the good that he hath spoken concerning thee, and shall have appointed thee ruler over Israel; That this shall be no grief unto thee, nor offence of heart unto my lord, either that thou hast shed blood causeless, or that my lord hath avenged himself: but when the Lord shall have dealt well with my lord, then remember thine handmaid.”

Here Abigail points out to David what this rash act against Nabal could do to his reputation when he becomes king. Rather than allowing herself an emotional outburst, she speaks to him calmly and reasonably. She makes a logical appeal to David.

Sometimes an argument erupts quickly, but often conflict builds up over time. There’s an issue we need to address, but we keep putting it off. When the time is right to bring it up (which we’ll look at next), start by praying about and deciding on the best way to approach it. You likely know the personality and tendencies of the other individual. Use that to your advantage by planning a strategy to help them see ways the conflict could be resolved.

Timing is important.

Abigail went to meet David immediately because he was already on the way to attack Nabal. This was a matter of urgency, so she had to address the conflict right away.

However, when it came to dealing with Nabal, she decided to wait.

“And Abigail came to Nabal; and, behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king; and Nabal’s heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken: wherefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light.“ (verse 36)

If I need to work through an issue with my husband, the best time is NOT when he first walks in the door after work. I’ll get a much better response if I wait until he’s had a chance to eat supper and wind down a bit from his day. And I think he knows that trying to resolve something with me is not best done at 6:30am when I’m making breakfast and packing lunches!

Here’s where we need the Holy Spirit to help us exercise some self-control. It can be natural to jump into a conversation, thinking that we’ll feel better if we can just get this problem off our chest. But the response will likely be better if we consider the best time to address the issue.

I admire how Abigail handled a conflict that wasn’t even of her own making. I hope that all of us, conflict avoiders or not, can learn from her wisdom!

Related posts:

• What Ruth Teaches Me About Trusting God
• Don’t Be a Fool: 5 Things to Avoid if You Want to Be Wise
• What Hannah Teaches Me About Prayer