Girls To Grow

Do you ever deal with unrealistic expectations?  I’m afraid I would have to raise my hand here.

What exactly is an expectation?  The Oxford dictionary says it’s the strong belief that something will happen.

We just experienced a holiday that often causes people to have expectations.  Maybe someone expects flowers or chocolate (or both!!) or a fancy dinner out when Valentine’s Day rolls around.

Or maybe the expectation is to that you won’t do anything for each other –  and then you’re surprised when something really nice happens!

Unfulfilled expectations have been a problem for me at times.  But there’s one expectation that I hadn’t really thought about having until I read this quote.

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” ~Donald Miller

I don’t think I would ever have said out loud that I expect anyone here on earth to be perfect.  But the more I thought about it, I realized that maybe I do.

As with most things, I start with those closest to me, the ones who live in my house.  Do I expect my husband to read my mind about how I’m feeling today?  Do I think he’s going to always think, do, or say exactly what I think he should?

How about my children?  Do I expect that they will never make mistakes?  Am I totally surprised when they respond with a bad attitude or don’t keep their room as neat as I would like it?

If I put these expectations on my family, I’m going to be frustrated on a daily basis.  And I’m definitely going to have a hard time liking them!

This can extend to our friends or our coworkers.  We think, “Well, she let me down because she didn’t do this or remember this.”

If we can let go of what we expect of other people, the perfection we think they should have (or should at least be striving for!), we have a greater chance of liking them.  I want to like these people!  I want to appreciate my family, my friends – even strangers I meet – for who they are without piling my expectations on top of them.

I need to quit expecting them to never hurt my feelings, to always read my mind, to always do things my way.

We’re humans.  We’re going to disappoint each other.  And I certainly hope that no one is waiting around for me to be perfect!

I actually found this Donald Miller quote in Kay Wyma’s latest book, Not the Boss of Us: Putting Overwhelmed in Its Place in a Do-All Be-All World.   Kay takes it in a whole different direction.  She says this about his quote.  “...I think we can quickly agree with [it] – until we make ourselves the subject of that admonition.  As in ‘When you stop expecting [yourself] to be perfect, you can like [yourself] for who [you] are.'”

Do you expect yourself to be perfect?  Again, I don’t think this is something we would think to express, but perhaps in some way we do.

If we know Jesus, our desire is to do right as we follow Christ and have the Holy Spirit’s help.  But when our sin nature wins, as it will, we can be so hard on ourselves.

When we spout angry words or lose our patience or miss an opportunity to minister to someone, we can beat ourselves up.  And while we need to ask forgiveness, and make it right, we can also accept the fact that we’re not going to attain perfection here.

Each time, hopefully, we grow a little more and learn to be more Christ-like.  But that same grace we extend to others can trickle down to ourselves.

And maybe it’s not even a sin we’re talking about here.  Maybe we forgot to pack that note in our child’s lunchbox or missed sending a birthday card to a relative or even just burnt supper.

It’s okay.  We’re going to mess up those things, too.

So in the future, I want to work on releasing any expectations I’ve put on others to be perfect…and give myself that same gift.

Related posts:

Letting Go of Expectations and Entitlement

10 Simple But Powerful Pieces of Life Advice

5 Ways to Show Grace to Others

Do you consider yourself a conflict-avoider? Or are you someone who’s ready to address conflict head on?

I am squarely in the “avoid conflict at all cost” camp! However, even I know that sometimes we have to address conflict in our lives. If we have any relationships with other people, there’s going to be a disagreement at some point.

Even for those who don’t mind stepping into conflict, there’s usually a better way to handle it than just blindly going at it full force!

In 1 Samuel 25, we see a woman who wisely handles conflict. Even though her husband is the source of the conflict, she steps in and manages the situation well.

You likely know the story. Abigail’s husband, Nabal, has refused to give any supplies to David and his men despite their good treatment and protection of Nabal’s shepherds while they were in David’s area. David tells his men to arm themselves, and they set off to attack Nabal.

In the meantime, one of Nabal’s men goes to Abigail and tells her what’s going on. She immediately goes into action, gathers a large group of supplies, and sends servants ahead of her with the supplies to meet David. She follows.

Then comes the scene of her meeting face-to-face with David. Here’s where I find these three simple truths that can help us when we are involved in a conflict. (Let me say up front that these apply when dealing with typical conflict in an otherwise healthy relationship. If abuse or other harmful behavior is involved, this wouldn’t be the recommended solution.)

Enter the situation with an attitude of humility.

Verses 23 and 24 say, “And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid.”

Abigail didn’t march up to David and accuse him of being on the warpath to attack her husband. She didn’t begin with a list of David’s faults and vent about how offended she was by him. No, she approached him in a humble manner.

She also didn’t blame anyone else. Certainly this conflict was all of Nabal’s making, but Abigail was willing to take the blame for what had happened.

Since I naturally struggle with pride, I need the reminder of Proverbs 13:10. “Only by pride cometh contention…” It’s going to be very hard to resolve a conflict if neither person is willing to set aside their pride. Let’s be the ones willing to humble ourselves and take the first step toward reconciliation.

Think through the best way to approach the situation before you start.

Abigail speaks to David in verses 30-31.

“And it shall come to pass, when the Lord shall have done to my lord according to all the good that he hath spoken concerning thee, and shall have appointed thee ruler over Israel; That this shall be no grief unto thee, nor offence of heart unto my lord, either that thou hast shed blood causeless, or that my lord hath avenged himself: but when the Lord shall have dealt well with my lord, then remember thine handmaid.”

Here Abigail points out to David what this rash act against Nabal could do to his reputation when he becomes king. Rather than allowing herself an emotional outburst, she speaks to him calmly and reasonably. She makes a logical appeal to David.

Sometimes an argument erupts quickly, but often conflict builds up over time. There’s an issue we need to address, but we keep putting it off. When the time is right to bring it up (which we’ll look at next), start by praying about and deciding on the best way to approach it. You likely know the personality and tendencies of the other individual. Use that to your advantage by planning a strategy to help them see ways the conflict could be resolved.

Timing is important.

Abigail went to meet David immediately because he was already on the way to attack Nabal. This was a matter of urgency, so she had to address the conflict right away.

However, when it came to dealing with Nabal, she decided to wait.

“And Abigail came to Nabal; and, behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king; and Nabal’s heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken: wherefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light.“ (verse 36)

If I need to work through an issue with my husband, the best time is NOT when he first walks in the door after work. I’ll get a much better response if I wait until he’s had a chance to eat supper and wind down a bit from his day. And I think he knows that trying to resolve something with me is not best done at 6:30am when I’m making breakfast and packing lunches!

Here’s where we need the Holy Spirit to help us exercise some self-control. It can be natural to jump into a conversation, thinking that we’ll feel better if we can just get this problem off our chest. But the response will likely be better if we consider the best time to address the issue.

I admire how Abigail handled a conflict that wasn’t even of her own making. I hope that all of us, conflict avoiders or not, can learn from her wisdom!

Related posts:

• What Ruth Teaches Me About Trusting God
• Don’t Be a Fool: 5 Things to Avoid if You Want to Be Wise
• What Hannah Teaches Me About Prayer