I come to you today as a mom who’s parented two girls through their teenage years…and lived to tell about it 🙂

There are many ways our teens communicate with us. We might guess what they’re feeling from their body language, facial expressions, eye contact, and if they choose to cuddle up next to us on the sofa.

While those things give us clues, talking is typically the most effective way to communicate with and understand our teenagers. But as they go through their teen years, they may not talk to us as much as they did when they were younger.

Personality certainly plays into this. Some of our children are open books and want to tell us everything. Others would rather keep most of their thoughts and feelings to themselves. (I had one of each personality.) But even with my daughter who’s more private, I found that if I was present, patient, and didn’t push, she’d open up.

As we reach out to talk to our teenage daughters, here are ten helpful tips to consider.

1. Timing is key.

If you want to have a conversation – especially a more serious one – do it when you both have a little time for discussion. It probably won’t be in the car on the way to school or when you pick her up after sports practice and she’s already worked up about something. It’s easier when both of you are calm and not preoccupied.

2. Listen fully.

Don’t be a distracted listener. If she’s verbally sharing with you, no matter how inconsequential it seems, give her your full attention.

3. Be calm.

This won’t always come easily. She may say something that makes you want to snap back at her. As one author said, refuse to ride the emotional rollercoaster with her. Be the adult. But be sure she knows that you’ll be there and ready to talk when she gets off of that rollercoaster!

4. Acknowledge her feelings.

You may or may not agree with her, but you can still acknowledge those feelings as hers.

5. Don’t accuse.

If you need to figure out a situation, start by letting her explain what happened. Follow up with some thoughtful questions that are direct but not accusatory.

6. Be honest and expect honesty in return.

Relationships are built on trust, and lying breaks that trust. We taught our girls from an early age that, in our family, dishonesty was a big deal. There’s grace for it, just as there is for other offenses, but we wanted them to know the importance of telling the truth.

7. Handle correction privately.

Don’t embarrass her by pointedly correcting her or bringing up her issues in front of others. Wait until the two of you can discuss it alone.

8. Share humor.

Have light moments of communication often. Our daughters and I send funny Instagram reels to each other. Remind her of inside jokes that your family has.

9. Be patient.

If you go through a period of time when your daughter’s not talking a lot, be patient. Make sure that there aren’t any deeper issues at play. Then just give her the freedom to talk on her timetable.

10. Make sure she knows that you always want the best for her.

This heart connection isn’t built in one conversation. It comes over time as you invest in her life and show her your love.

It’s one of the great parenting lessons I learned from my dad. I usually agreed with his parenting decisions, but even when I didn’t, I always knew he made those decisions from a place of truly wanting what was best for me.

While the teen years can feel very long, they actually aren’t! What a great time to build communication habits that will serve us well as our teens move into adulthood.

Related posts:

• 7 Important Things Your Teenage Daughter Needs to Hear from You
• 10 Ways to Build a Relationship with Your Teenager
• What to Do When Your Teenager Disappoints You

As our young adult children leave our homes – whether off to college or moving out to live on their own – they typically begin new relationships. They interact with co-workers and friends and potentially step into dating relationships. As parents, this is an area in their lives that we want to cover in prayer.

Here are 5 important things you and I can pray for regarding our adult children’s relationships. (Since my children are girls, I’m using female pronouns here, but these apply equally to young men!)

We can pray…

…that the relationship would honor God.

Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. ~1 Corinthians 10:31

All that we do should bring glory to God. If our child is a Christian, our hope is that they are desiring long-term relationships with fellow believers. Let’s pray that the conversations they have, the places they go, and the activities they participate in will be honoring to God

Dear God, please help each relationship that my child is in to bring honor and glory to you. May she surround herself with others who are walking with God. Use these relationships to draw her into closer fellowship with you.

…that the relationship would make her a better person.

We want our children to continually grow and develop. There’s so much room for this in the young adult stage of life! In every area – spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically – we want to see them thrive.

Dear God, please bring people into my child’s life who will cause her to grow and flourish. May they encourage and bless her, even as they graciously challenge her to move forward and mature. And Lord, help her to be that same influence in their lives.

…that they would have fun together.

Part of good friendships – and good romantic relationships – is pursuing common interests. It’s fun to share hobbies and also to learn new things with friends! A similar sense of humor also adds to memorable times together.

Dear God, help my child to have friends she enjoys being around. Let them have fun together and find good things in life to experience and celebrate. May they share the ups and downs of life, finding joy in their journey.

…that God would give her wisdom in her relationships.

 And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment; That ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offense till the day of Christ. ~Philippians 1:9-10

Our children need wisdom and discernment as they develop relationships. We want them to have healthy, authentic connections with friends and people that they date.

Dear God, please give my child wisdom and discernment as she steps into new relationships. Reveal what she needs to see about people and give her either a pause or peace in her spirit. May she be kind to everyone, but build deep friendships with those who are loyal and trustworthy.

…that there would be clear and honest communication.

But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ…Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. ~Ephesians 4:15, 29

Communication is a huge part of any relationship. It’s helpful when we’re clear and upfront with what we say. Real relationships are built on honesty and trust.

Dear God, help my child to be able to communicate clearly and honestly in her relationships. May her words be kind and thoughtful, never misleading. Let her words and her actions match up, always seeking to honor God and the person with whom she’s building a relationship.

Just as we prayed for our younger children, let’s continue to go to God’s throne, asking for his blessing and guidance for our adult children as they navigate their relationships.

Related posts:

• 6 Powerful Prayers to Pray for Your College Student
• 20 Things I’ve Learned in 20 Years of Parenting
• What Hannah Teaches Me About Prayer

It’s that time of year. Moms are marking things off of a long checklist. Dads are cramming vehicles full of suitcases and storage bags and ready-to-assemble furniture. College move-in is happening. (And if it’s happening in the South, there’s also lots of perspiring taking place!)

Some of you may be sending your oldest child off for the first time. And for others, the youngest may be moving out, leaving you at the beginning of your empty nest years. While I’m not a super-seasoned empty nester, I have been at it for a couple of years now. Here are five truths that I’ve learned so far.

1. You forget a lot of the hard stuff that happened during the at-home parenting years.

When you think back, it’s usually the good times that bubble to the surface. Recalling those toddler tantrums and childhood meltdowns isn’t as maddening as it once was. Even the escapades of the recent teen years start to fade as you move into this new season of long-distance parenting.

2. You adjust to the new normal…and even grow to like it.

College drop-off is just the beginning. Most likely, the rest of your life will be full of hellos and goodbyes with your children. I don’t know if that part gets any easier.

For me, the first couple of weeks with both of our girls gone were hard. The upstairs bedrooms were empty. I was only setting two places at the table for meals. And there were no more work or sports uniforms in my laundry pile

But as the weeks went by, there were new revelations. The only timetables my husband and I had to work around were our own. No one’s ball games or work schedules had to be considered. We didn’t have to consult anyone but ourselves about what restaurant we should eat at after church on Sundays.

Getting into our own routines is something we’ve enjoyed. We can go places and do things when we want to do them. This leads me to the next truth.

3. You get to decide what your empty nest looks like.

With the kids gone, you likely have extra time in your week. You can choose to travel more or start a new hobby. Maybe adult friendships haven’t been a priority while you’ve been raising teens. But now you can meet friends for dinner or have a group over to your house.

Your empty nest doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. But make some thoughtful decisions about how you want these days to look and you can enjoy this new stage of life.

4. You’ll always have shared memories with your kids.

From the trips you took to your family traditions, ball games you attended to the funny stories that are legendary in your family, nothing can change the memories you made with your children during their growing-up years. You’ll always have those things to remember and reminisce about with your kids.

And if you’re not at the empty nest yet, use these days to make those memories now. It doesn’t have to be big or expensive. Just spend time together learning something new or doing what they enjoy.

5. Getting to step into your adult child’s world is so much fun.

Once your children are gone, you get to go visit them! Whether in college or at their first home or apartment, you can observe the adult that they’re becoming. You can get acquainted with their environment and meet their friends. And, as will be my experience this weekend when I visit our older daughter, they may offer to make dinner for you!

It’s fun to see how our children are developing and growing in their independence once they’ve left our home. You’ll always be their parent, but you can also begin to become their friend.

Having our children leave the nest can be hard. But it’s so rewarding to see them stepping out on their own, becoming the young adults we hoped and prayed they would become all along.

Related posts:

• 7 Helpful Tips for Navigating a Season of Change
• 12 Things I’m Glad I Did as a Mom
• 5 Truths About Trusting God with Our Kids

While I didn’t plan it this way, encouragement seems to be my theme this month. Last week I wrote about how we can encourage ourselves. Today let’s talk about encouraging someone else, specifically other moms.

Recently I got to meet and interact with a young adult woman, a recent college graduate. She’s smart, kind, polite, and thoughtful.

Several days later, I had a short conversation with her mom. We spoke about her daughter, whom I complimented, and then I said, “Mom, you did a great job.”

Of all the things we’ll do in life, parenting is one of the hardest. As moms, we really want to get it right. But often, it feels like we aren’t.

It’s so easy to see our failures. We lost our temper or were inconsistent in our discipline. We failed to connect with our child when we should have or we forgot to do something that was important to her.

To be affirmed in one of the most significant things we’ll ever do – raising our children – is a really good feeling. And if my experience is normal, it doesn’t happen regularly.

Now occasionally your kids may tell you that you’re a great mom…unless they’re teenagers 🙂 But otherwise, we don’t often get told that we’re doing a good job.

Let me be clear. Any success that we have in any area of life – and maybe especially in parenting – is because of God’s grace. God steps in and loves and corrects and directs our children either alongside of or in spite of us.

But we have the opportunity to build each other up. And I think this is an especially wonderful ministry for older moms, like me, to have to younger ones. And we can include dads in this, too!

So when you see another mom being patient with her toddler or training her child to obey her, say, “Mom, you’re doing a great job.” Or when she comes and asks you to pray with her for her struggling teenager, say, “Mom, you’re doing a great job.“

And when you see that mom who’s where we’ve all been – dealing with the 2-year-old throwing a tantrum because she doesn’t want to leave the playground – say this to her. “Mom, you’re doing a great job.“

Lord willing, I’ll be a grandmother one day. And I can already tell you that there will be some way in which our daughters and their husbands parent differently than I would.

But I want my daughters and sons-in-law to always know that I’m in the background supporting them. I don’t want to judge their parenting, but to encourage them. I want to say often, “You’re doing a great job.“

So in honor of the back-to-school season many of us are in, let’s have a little homework. This week let’s each of us find another mom or dad and tell them you’re doing a great job.

Related posts:

• That Day I Tried to Be a Perfect Mom
• 10 Parenting Tips as Seen in the Rearview Mirror
• 5 Helpful Steps to Parenting Your Teenager Well

Since we moved into our current home about a year and a half ago, I’ve had great success with our indoor plants. I’ve learned that I’m a natural over-waterer 🙂 so I purposely limit myself to watering our plants about once a week.

However, the plants on our front porch are another story. At this point, I’m not even sure how many different plants I’ve had out there that have died. That area gets direct sun for several hours in the afternoon, so a heat-hardy plant is a must. I currently have two Phlox of some sort that are doing very well, so we’ll see if they make it through the summer!

While I’m obviously not a plant expert, I do know that plants need certain things like sunlight and water to grow. And that’s how it is with our children.  As moms, we are constantly pruning and fertilizing, helping our children remove negative qualities while adding positive ones that will allow them to grow strong and healthy.

So what does it take to grow a child?  No matter what season of parenting we’re in, there are certain ingredients to consider.  Here are five of them.

1.  Patience.  

Just as in gardening, our efforts aren’t going to pay off right away.  We wait maybe weeks or months for our plants to bloom. And it could be weeks, months, or years before we see the results of consistent prayer, love, training, and discipline that we’ve invested. 

But just as we don’t give up on our plants when we don’t see growth right away, so let’s not give up on our kids. Keep on following the principles that God has given us in His Word and trust that He is at work, whether we see immediate progress or not.

2.  Self-sacrifice. 

Especially in the early years of motherhood, we often put aside our wishes and desires in order to do things for our children. 

As an example, for years one of our routines was to read aloud together at bedtime. I remember nights when I would rather sit on the couch and read a book by myself than head to our daughters’ room to read to them.  However, I know that they treasured that time and it was a way of building our relationship.

3.  Respect. 

A child grows well when we respect him for who he is.  Every child has a unique personality.  Techniques that work with one child may have no effect on another. We can respect our children enough to learn how they are wired so that we can relate to them effectively.

4. Security.

Our children long to feel safe and taken care of. Our homes can be places where they feel accepted and loved unconditionally.

Children feel secure when we have consistent boundaries and expectations. We also can listen to them as they share their thoughts and feelings without shutting them down.

And what better way to create a secure environment than by teaching them God’s Word and praying aloud with them! Learning to know and love their Heavenly Father will lay a foundation for a lifetime of peace and security.

5. Love.

All four of the ingredients above are easier to incorporate when we give our kids the most basic ingredient of all – love! Through our words and our actions, we can let them know that we love them.

You may have heard the saying, “Love is spelled T-I-M-E.” Spending time with our children – letting them see that we like being with them! – is one of the best ways to show our love.

Say phrases like, “I love you” and “I’m proud of you” often. Give lots of smiles and hugs throughout the day.

As moms, we want to see our children mature into whole, healthy adults. Mixing together these ingredients is a good start to that wonderful, flourishing result!

What other traits do you think are important in helping to grow our children?

Related posts:

• 10 Parenting Tips as Seen in the Rearview Mirror
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Welcome, friends! You can tell from the title of this post that we’re talking about parenting teens today. Do you have any guesses as to what question I might be referring to above?

In general, parenting can feel like a moving target. You get comfortable in one stage and feel like you’ve got this parenting gig figured out. And then out of nowhere, your child hits a new stage and you’re back to square one!

As a mom, I felt pretty comfortable through those early childhood and elementary school years. After all, I had a degree in early childhood education, so those were my people 🙂 But then those middle school years hit. I quickly realized that I was out of my league!

As our kids get older, we’ll find ourselves facing new situations that require some boundaries…at least in our minds! It could be our teen getting his driver’s license or our daughter wanting to go out with friends after a ball game.

Sometimes they’ll come to you and ask permission to do something. You know you want to lay out some guidelines before you say “yes.” Or you may initiate the conversation because you see that the time is right to allow them to do something new but there are boundaries that need to be drawn first.

One option in these situations is to come up with the boundaries on your own, then tell your teen that this is how we’re going to handle it. And there could be a time and place for that.

But as your teenager matures and grows in independence, we as parents want them to learn how to set boundaries for themselves.

So how about if you sat down with your teenager and asked them this question.

What do you think we should do?

Genuinely ask for and listen to their input. Talk through the situation and see what limits they think are appropriate. They may have thoughts or ideas that you haven’t even considered.

And if you think they’ll just go easy on themselves, you might be surprised. We often found that what our daughters suggested was along the same lines as what we were thinking. And they might be more likely to stick to those limits when they’re the ones who came up with them!

Could there be times when you have to tighten up the boundaries a bit? Yes. But you’ve still engaged them in thinking through the situation and made them part of the decision process.

Another time this question comes in handy is when your teen has done something they shouldn’t have and consequences have to be given. If you’ve set specific consequences for their behavior beforehand, then follow through on those.

But if not, ask that question. What do you think we should do? Give them the chance to come up with what they think their “punishment” should be. Again you have the final say, but see what they come up with on their own.

Leading our teens through this thought process can be helpful for them and for us as well! We get opportunities to explain the reasoning behind our rules. And they can begin to own the limits or boundaries that come with their growing independence.

Related posts:

• 7 Ways to Parent a Teenager
• 10 Ways to Build a Relationship with Your Teenager
• 5 Helpful Steps to Parenting Your Teenager Well

Well, here we are, saying goodbye to May!! The month certainly went by quickly here.

On Saturday, we dropped our 20-year-old daughter off at the Christian camp where she’s working this summer. Now it’s back to the empty nest for my husband and I!

I haven’t delved much into the subject of teens and technology here on the blog. There are certainly lots of opinions around this topic.

For example, what age is right for children to get cell phones (or should they ever get them?) How much time are they allowed to spend on their phones and other technology? What type of oversight should parents have in these areas as their children get older?

I’m certainly not tackling all of that today! But in case it’s helpful for you, I am sharing five rules we had for our children and their cell phones during their teenage years when they lived at home.

We did not do this perfectly. We established several of these rules in the beginning and then added one or two later based on situations that arose. As the first generation of parents to raise kids with so much access to technology, there was definitely a learning curve!

I’m not saying that these rules are foolproof and will prevent your child from ever misusing their phone. They won’t. But they could be a good starting point for conversations that lead your child to set good boundaries for themselves, which is our ultimate goal.

1. No cell phones in the bedroom.

Cell phones were to be used in common areas, like the living/family room, kitchen, and dining room. Exceptions could be made if they were actually using their phone to talk to someone. However, I don’t know many teens who use their cell phones to actually have a voice-to-voice conversation with another person!

2. Cell phones have to be turned off at a certain time at night.

The actual time varied depending on their age. When they first got phones, I believe it was 8 or 9pm. With sports practices and other after-school activities, they usually weren’t getting home until early evening. Otherwise, the cutoff time may have been earlier.

Whatever the designated time was, we set a basket on the kitchen counter where they put their phones and charged them overnight.

3. Family time is phone-free time.

This basically meant no phones at the table, whether we were eating meals at home or out at a restaurant. It would also include other family activities or events.

4. Social media apps on your phone are limited.

Originally we had their phones set up so that we had to approve any app that they wanted to add. We also blocked Internet access on their phones during those early years.

At a certain age, we allowed them to use Instagram. Before we did that, I joined it myself and got familiar with how the app worked. We chose Instagram because it was the one that some of their coaches and other school-related groups used for messaging. They were required to have me as a follower on any accounts that they started.

5. Dad and Mom are your cell phone accountability partners.

We had our girls’ passcodes for their phones as well as their Instagram usernames and passwords. They understood that at any time we had the right to ask to see their phone.

Occasionally, we’d sit down together and scroll through some text messages and/or their Instagram account and browser searches. (Even once they had the Internet, though, we still had filters set to limit what they could access.) More frequently, I would just do a quick check at night or in the morning when their phones were in the kitchen charging.

Keep in mind that, while we didn’t always execute it well, we did have a plan for teaching our girls how to use their cell phones wisely. Restrictions were tight in the beginning. But we wanted to gradually loosen them as our girls matured and showed that they could be trusted to handle the responsibility of the technology.

Once in a while, we had to tighten those restrictions back up for a time or add a new “rule” as things developed. They made mistakes. However, they made them while we were there to discuss those mistakes and hopefully guide them into making better choices in the future. Our goal was that by the time they left for college, they’d have a good understanding of how to use their cell phone as a tool and avoid the pitfalls it could lead to.

One of the greatest teaching tools with technology is the same as in any area of parenting. It’s the example we set. So do we need any of these rules in our own lives?

Do we need to shut our phones down at a certain time at night? Is family time also phone-free time for us? Do we need an accountability partner, whether for how much time we spend on our devices or for the content we’re consuming?

Know that I’m speaking to myself with those questions as much – if not more – than I am to anyone else!

We won’t find a Bible verse that specifically addresses cell phone usage. Yet there are certainly Bible principles that we can apply to the subject. And for today, I’ll leave us with just this one.

Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God. ~1 Corinthians 10:31

May God give us wisdom to examine our own lives and then to teach our teenagers how to handle this technology in a God-honoring way.

Related posts:

• 5 Helpful Steps to Parenting Your Teenager Well
• What to Do When Your Teenager Disappoints You
• 10 Ways to Build a Relationship with Your Teenager

Last Saturday our daughter graduated from college. It was a life milestone and a great accomplishment for her. And it was pretty exciting for her dad and mom, too 🙂

As I’ve reflected on the past 22 years of parenting her, I’ve had lots of emotions. There are so many good memories of family times and vacations, fine arts competitions and ball games, and just the regular ol’ days we did life together.

But woven through the midst of all that were hard days and difficult seasons. There were times I didn’t know what to do or how to handle a situation. Maybe I wanted prompt, happy obedience from her and that wasn’t what I got. Perhaps the direction she wanted to go in didn’t line up with what I thought was best.

Looking back now, I can say two things for sure. God is faithful. And the young woman she is today is not a testimony to my superb parenting skills, but to God’s grace.

So on those days – or weeks or months – when parenting is hard, here are five Bible verses that teach us Bible truths that we can cling to.

1. Don’t give up when it’s hard.

And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. ~Galatians 6:9

In context, this verse is not directly written to parents. But if there’s anything that’s worth doing well in life – and that can make us weary!! – it’s parenting.

If your children are anything like mine, then there will be days when you just want to give up. It’s too hard to be consistent in discipline, to set boundaries that are counter-cultural, or to continue to be patient with that teenager who has a bad attitude.

But don’t do it – don’t give up. Persevere. It will be worth it one day.

2. Wisdom is always available.

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. ~James 1:5

We’re not in this alone. What a mess it would be if we were…I mean, it’s still a mess at times, but at least we know who has the answers. We know where to go for help.

And we don’t have to jump through hoops or beg and plead. We simply ask and God gives His wisdom generously and without rebuke.

3. Pray, then pray, then pray some more.

Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. ~Philippians 4:6

Every worry, care, and concern can be taken directly to God in prayer. Talk to Him about what’s going on in your child’s life.

There’ve been times as a mom when there was nothing I could do about what was going on in my daughter’s life. It required a change of heart or a certain set of circumstances that only God could make happen. Prayer was my greatest weapon.

4. Trust God’s plan more than you trust your own.

A man’s heart deviseth his way: but the Lord directeth his steps. ~Proverbs 16:9

Our sovereign God has a plan for our children’s lives. And while we want what we believe is best for them, He ultimately knows what is best.

I think what I’ve been learning (notice I didn’t say “have learned 🙂 is to hold my plans for our daughters’ lives loosely. Going back to the two previous points, I need to ask God for His wisdom and pray for His will to be done.

5. Love unconditionally and verbalize it often.

[Charity/Love] Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity never faileth: ~1 Corinthians 13:7-8

There may be days when you don’t like your child, but you’ll always love them. So tell them. Speak it out loud. Write it in a note or in a text. Say and mean the words, “There is nothing you can do that would make me love you any less.”

Hang in there, sweet friends. While it may look like other parents are breezing through their parenting journey, I think it’s safe to say that we all have struggles sometimes – even when, like me, your children are young adults!

But our God is faithful, and His Word is true, so let’s be encouraged to keep on loving and guiding our children with His help, even on the days when parenting is hard.

Related posts:

• How to Pray for My Strong-Willed Child
• 10 Parenting Tips as Seen in the Rearview Mirror
• 5 Truths About Trusting God with Our Kids

I was going to be a perfect mom today…then I overslept and rushed everybody out the door.

I was going to be a perfect mom today…then I corrected my children with loud, shrill tones instead of gentle words.

I was going to be a perfect mom today…then I let them eat chips and cookies for breakfast.

I was going to be a perfect mom today…then I chose cleaning the kitchen over playing with dolls.

I was going to be a perfect mom today….then my daughter talked back and I lost my temper.

I was going to be a perfect mom today…then I got so busy scrolling Instagram that I wasn’t listening while she told me a story about the cat.

I was going to be a perfect mom today…then I had to dig through a pile of dirty laundry to find the t-shirt she needs to wear for school tomorrow.

I was going to be a perfect mom today…then I asked God for His power to grant me self-control, His wisdom to parent my children according to their own bent, His forgiveness for my failure to obey His commands, His grace to guide me through the rest of the day, and His love to shine through me to these children.

Because while I’ll never be a perfect mom, I can be a mom who, with God’s help, loves her children well and points them to our perfect Heavenly Father.

*Adapted from a post originally published in April 2014.