Parent Archives - Girls To Grow

Six Tips for Helping Our Children Handle Disappointment

July 11, 2019 by Tracey 5 Comments

Here’s a scenario that’s happened at our house on more than occasion. Maybe you can relate…

One of our daughters had been looking forward to something for weeks. We got news at the last minute that it wasn’t going to work out like she’d hoped. Actually, my husband and I knew first, and I DREADED telling her. I knew how disappointed she was going to be. And what if she cried??? I’m not one to cry easily, and neither are my girls, so when there are tears involved, my heart just melts.

She took it like a champ, and in the end, it all worked out okay. But that wasn’t the first time – and certainly wasn’t the last – that she’d receive disappointing news. Maybe our daughter won’t get the job or the invitation or the scholarship or the guy.

That particular day, I was able to share with her a disappointment that I’d experienced…because haven’t we all had our share of those moments? Whether it’s missing an event you’ve looked forward to or not receiving something you expected to get, we’ve all known what it’s like to feel disappointment.

No one likes to be disappointed. But learning to accept and deal with it is part of life. And since we know that our children will face disappointment, it’s helpful if we can give them strategies for handling it.

The following is a quote by Thomas Monson.

The principles of living greatly include the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and trial with humility.

I don’t know that I’m at the point of facing disappointment with cheerfulness, but that’s a great goal to have! Here are six tips I try to remember when walking our children through a disappointment since even our older kids get disappointed at times.

1. Empathize. Don’t just brush off their disappointment as no big deal. Take time to acknowledge their feelings. Show compassion for the situation, and let them know that you’ve suffered disappointments, too.

2. Remind them that God knows all about it. Gently remind them that God is in control, and has allowed this to happen. We know that God loves us and only wants what’s best for us, so we can trust that it is in His good plans for us.

Do this on an age-appropriate level; it will likely be a shorter conversation with younger kids. Since my daughters are teenagers, we can really get into a discussion on this – and I did with a daughter who recently faced disappointment. Let your child know that we can talk to God about this disappointment, and hopefully see it as a way God is growing our trust in Him.

3. Allow some time to grieve the disappointment. I’m not talking about whining and pouting or allowing it to drag on for hours. But even as an adult, I need a few minutes to adjust my thinking and try to get back into a positive mindset when I’ve had a sudden change of plans or gotten disappointing news. Taking a little while to reframe the situation and adjust our attitudes is helpful.

4. Think of something new to anticipate. Part of maturing is learning to bounce back from disappointments. Once they’ve had a little time to grieve, help them think of something else to look forward to.

With younger children, maybe there’s a distraction, or something fun you can do instead. Take the focus off of the current situation and begin to look forward to another outing, activity, etc. Or a good strategy for any situation is to come up with a list of things to be grateful for.

5. Set a good example. When you suffer a disappointment, deal with it as you would want your children to do. Seeing how you handle these situations can help your children as well.

6. Don’t try to shield your child from ever feeling disappointed. Disappointment is a fact of life. We’ll all experience it on multiple occasions. Helping your child learn to deal with it well will help them as they go through life. I’d rather them learn now how to handle it rather than have to do it by themselves when they’ve left our home.

Going through disappointments helps our children realize that there are things in life that can be changed and there are those that can’t. And here’s where my dad’s wise, age-old advice comes in handy.

Attitude is everything.

Adjusting our attitude as we manage our disappointments gives us the capacity to live life greatly!

Do you have other suggestions for handling disappointment?

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10 Tips for a Successful Summer with Kids

June 26, 2019 by Tracey 3 Comments

While our weather here feels like it’s been summer for a while, I realize the actual season just began last week! Our family is at the point where it feels like we’re actually in summer rather than “just-finished-school” mode.

Summer looks different when your kids are working and driving themselves wherever they want to go. I’m not required to be as hands-on with them as in previous years, but we’re definitely on a different schedule and I have to be a lot more flexible with my time.

How well I remember the days with littles and trying to get something “profitable” done around the house, yet wanting to spend time with our children, too.

None of us can do it all, but I know that as moms we want to make sure we’re fitting in some special family time during these summer months. This list of ten things might help us focus on creating those moments – and they can apply whether we have toddlers or teens!

1. Make a memory.

Not every day, maybe not even every week, but try to think of ways to make a memory with your kids. This could be small, like a trip to a new-to-you ice cream shop or a different playground. Blow bubbles in the park or stock up on glowsticks at a dollar store and play hide-and-seek in the dark.

2. Establish a tradition.

This could actually tie into number one if you wanted it to! Make homemade ice cream every weekend or have build your-own-pizza night on Fridays. Take an after-dinner walk or bike ride in the neighborhood on Tuesdays or organize family game nights on Saturday.

3. Let go of something.

Perhaps Wednesday is laundry day, but your kids are asking for you to play with them. It’s okay to step outside of the routine once in awhile. Give yourself a break. Let go of the regularly scheduled programming and try something different. Maybe lighten up the bedtime routine for the summer or decide to make only simple suppers on weeknights.

4. Be outside.

South Carolina summers are HOT and HUMID. I’m not naturally an outdoorsy girl anyway and pretty much avoid staying outside during the day. But I know my mood is better when I can spend time outside.

Early mornings or late evenings aren’t so bad for a walk or bike ride with the family. If you like to garden, get out and plant flowers or vegetables with your kids.

5. Do something for someone else.

Make a card or art project to send to a grandparent. Bake cookies for a Sunday School teacher. See if a neighbor needs help with their yard or housework.

6. Eat seasonal and local foods.

We eat lots of watermelon at our house in June and July! And I’ve already mentioned ice cream at least twice in this post, but it’s a summer favorite here.

7. Play in water.

We’ve had many kiddie pools over the years! Let your children run through the sprinkler, paint the house (or playset or shed or driveway) with water, or wash the car or their bikes. If you’re near the lake or the beach, that makes it easy!

8. Give extra hugs and kisses.

if your kids are normally in school all day, you now have them at home a LOT more than usual. My teenagers may not appreciate me giving random hugs and kisses, but I can still maneuver around for a side hug or back rub.

9. Work together.

This is probably not going to sound fun to the family, but tackling a project together can be profitable in more ways than one. Clean out the garage, build something, or organize the playroom. You can offer a reward at the end, or just let the satisfaction of a job well done be enough.

10. Pass along truth.

Choose a verse or brief Scripture passage to memorize and study this summer. Read a new Bible storybook with younger kids or find a new devotional one for older kids. We enjoyed books like Wisdom and the Millers (and other books in this series) and Those Kids in Proverbsville. These had stories that were like parables and taught character-building lessons.

While some summer days drag by, the first day of school will be here before we know it. Let’s plan a few things today that will help us when we look back to count this as a successful summer.

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5 Ways to Make the Most of This Summer

May 29, 2019 by Tracey 11 Comments

*I originally published this post three years ago. We no longer have an official summer learning program (although our rising high school junior will be working on algebra/geometry and Spanish on her own this summer).

And while I’m working on a reading list for her as well, it definitely looks different for her at 16.

However, I need to keep these five things top of mind this summer just as much as I did back then!*

The countdown is on!

We are wholeheartedly looking forward to the end of the school year. Just a few more days to go!

I’ve created a summer learning program and written out reading lists for my girls. But I know that within the first week, things can take a turn for the worse! Settling into a different routine and figuring out how best to spend our less-regulated days can take a little getting used to.

As the summer progresses, I’m hoping to remind myself often of these five ways to make the most of these few months. When school starts again in late August, I want us to look back over a summer in which we’ll have created new memories and enjoyed the time we had together.

1. Realize that our children will never be this age again. This is the only summer ever that I’ll have a 13-year-old daughter and a 15-year-old daughter living in our house. We’ll be spending a lot more hours of our day together than we have over the past nine months, so I want to enjoy what they’re enjoying in this season. I also want to seize opportunities to teach them things they need to learn at these ages. I can encourage and appreciate their individuality and try to help them develop the strengths God has given them.

2. Understand that our days will not all unfold exactly as we planned. We all know I’m a planner; I love a schedule! But summer has a way of throwing a wrench in my well-thought-out plans. It might involve bad weather, someone getting sick, or friends canceling a get-together. I’m hoping that I’ll see these disruptions as God’s hand at work and move on to plan B without too many issues!

3. Consciously choose our attitude each day. This especially comes into play when #2 happens! I can be grumpy about having to drive the girls somewhere on days I want to stay home. I can go off like a firecracker when they start arguing. I can wish that we’d made different plans for the summer. Or, I can choose joy and gratitude, and try to pass those feelings on to them.

4. Include what works for our family, not anyone else’s. Maybe friends are doing crafts every day or going to really cool camps or having family campouts out in the backyard. (I’m allergic to tents 😉 Those are all good, fun things, but they may not be what our family enjoys or what fits into our lifestyle. We like backyard badminton and cornhole; homemade ice cream in our simple Cuisinart ice cream maker; a family game night; an after-supper trip to Dairy Queen; or watching reruns of old TV shows. You do what works for your family without comparing it to what others are doing.

5. Know that God has something He wants to teach us each and every day. Whether it’s patience or forgiveness or grace, I want to be more like Him when this summer is over. Sometimes I struggle with being faithful in my Bible study and prayer time when our regular schedule is disrupted. I don’t want that to be the case this summer. In fact, I’m hoping that doing a devotional with our daughters will keep us accountable to each other!

Whenever you begin your summer break, I hope that this season will be a wonderful time for you and your family! Let me know if you have other ideas I should include to help make the most of our summers.

12 Things I’m Glad I Did as a Mom

May 15, 2019 by Tracey 6 Comments

With our oldest daughter graduating from high school this month, I’ve been a bit reflective. Going through hundreds of her childhood photos and choosing our favorite ones to display on her graduation table will do that to you!

I started reminiscing about what we’ve done as we parented our girls that I’m so glad – standing on this side and looking back – that we did. I came up with this list of twelve in hopes that they’ll be helpful and encouraging to anyone who might be parenting an 8-year-old instead of an 18-year-old.

The list of things I didn’t get right is much longer than twelve. I lost my temper, nagged, and talked when I should have listened much more often than I’d like to admit.

I don’t tend, however, to dwell on regrets, so there’s no post on “24 Things I Wish I’d Done in Parenting” in the works at this point! Today’s focus is on the positive.

1. Established family traditions.

Every Christmas Eve, we go to a restaurant downtown for dessert. On Mother’s Day, we walk on the beach after dinner. We have specific meals on certain holidays. I love the continuity of celebrating in the same way year after year.

And while I enjoy traditions as much as anyone, I’ve also realized that families outgrow traditions. When the girls were younger, we’d go to a baseball game on the 4th of July. The girls would get their faces painted, and we’d stay for the fireworks after the game was over. But a couple of years ago, we let that tradition go. No one was that interested anymore.

One of the things I look forward to about a change of life seasons is establishing new traditions around the times when we’re together!

2. Attended our daughters’ ball games, concerts, and recitals.

Okay, some of the piano recitals were looong, especially when our girls were young. The order of the program was typically from beginner students to the most advanced. That meant they were done in the first ten minutes, but there was still another hour and a half to sit through!

However, watching the girls participate in their chosen activities has given us so much to talk about with them. We have rehashed many a basketball game while sitting in our living room! They also learned some great life lessons about teamwork, sportsmanship, and fairness (or lack thereof).

3. Took them on trips.

The older our girls have gotten, the more we value experiences with them over physical gifts. Some of our best memories have been made as we visited other cities and parts of the country as a family.

4. Read aloud to them.

This one started when our girls were little. I read aloud at bedtime for many years. During the preschool years, we’d read aloud at naptime, and during our homeschooling years, I’d read aloud after lunch. Both of our girls continue to love reading, and now that they’re older, we sometimes read the same books. It’s fun to talk about the stories we enjoy, and to share book recommendations.

5. Made them take piano lessons.

I know there are people who would disagree with this one, and I’m not saying it’s for every family. However, there are very few activities we’ve insisted that our girls participate in, but this was one of them. Before they were even old enough to take lessons, my husband and I agreed that we would make this a priority.

It definitely wasn’t always easy!! There’s been plenty of moaning and groaning about having to practice. But not only do they both now play the piano well, it also allowed them to join the school handbell choir and learn to play the saxophone since they could already read music. Beyond that, they have a gift they can use in ministry for the rest of their lives.

6. Ate meals together as a family.

This one is rather cliche, but I do think it’s important. We have had some wonderful conversations over the years around the supper table. And the point comes – sooner than I thought it would – that you don’t have the opportunity to do this. Sports practices, ball games, and teens working a job mean the family meals don’t happen as often as they used to – which makes me appreciate it all the more now when they do!

7. Put fruit in their lunch every day.

So this one might sound silly, but I am not the best at serving vegetables to my family. Our girls’ tastes have matured a little bit over the years, but we’re still not a family of veggie lovers. However, from kindergarten on, I put some type of fruit in their lunch daily, most often apple slices. Now they actually choose fruit as a snack and at other meals besides lunch.

8. Was available when they got out of school.

For years, I drove them home from school, and would get to hear all the stories from the day. Now that they drive themselves home from school, I make it a point to be at the house to greet them.

I know it’s not feasible for everyone, but being available when our girls get out of school has been a blessing. They usually unload all the excitements and disappointments right after they walk in the door, and I’m thankful that I’m usually able to hear all those stories.

9. Taught them how to handle money.

We started them at a young age with the give, save, and spend envelopes to use when they got paid for chores around the house. After their freshman year of high school (about 15 1/2 years old), they got a student checking account with a debit card.

Each month, we deposit into their account the amount of money we’d be spending on them anyway (clothing, money for school/youth group activities, etc.) They’re responsible for budgeting that money. They also understand that if they want more money, they can get a job and work for it.

Hopefully (fingers crossed!) they’ll continue into adulthood with good money habits!

10. Prayed for wisdom.

The truth is that I didn’t do this as much as I should have. But when I did, I know that God answered that prayer. This is one of the things I’m glad I did that will continue to be so important as we transition into our girls’ young adult years.

11. Loved their dad.

Our marriage isn’t perfect, but our children have seen us enjoying each other and prioritizing our time together. And this is even more important now that the empty nest season is getting closer every year!

12. Encouraged them in their personal walk with God.

From regular church attendance to Awana clubs, praying together to reading Bible stories aloud, we’ve sought to teach our children about God and His Word. Some of our after dinner, around-the-table conversations became teachable moments for spiritual truths.

Both of our girls asked Jesus to be their Savior at an early age. It’s one of the greatest blessings as a parent to see your children growing in their faith and making it their own.

While I’ll continue to be a mom for as long as I live, the hands on, daily work of mothering will definitely be less than it used to be. I’m challenging myself to use the time I have left with them in our home to invest in these precious souls. Let’s be intentional in doing the things we’ll be glad we did another ten years from now!

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You Get to Choose One, But Not the Other

April 10, 2019 by Tracey 6 Comments

One of my daughters likes to put inspirational sayings up on her bedroom walls. We’ve gotten nice digital prints of a couple of them, and put them in pretty frames. They’re all positive and encouraging.

When my girls became teenagers, I thought about posting the following statement somewhere in their rooms.

You can choose your sin, but you can’t choose the consequences of your sin.

It’s been many years since I heard that quote (and I can’t remember where!) I doubt it exactly qualifies as inspirational, but it’s definitely true and worth remembering.

I’ll apply this first to our teenagers (or really any age children. And don’t worry, it will get more personal later.)

They have a free will. In spite of what we’ve taught them and the truths they know, they will still sin. We all do.

But I want my girls to understand that when they choose to sin, there will be consequences. Some of those sins, perhaps the private ones that no one else knows about, may only affect their personal relationship with God. The fellowship is broken.

Other, more public sins, may have more public consequences. Regardless, when they make the choice to sin, they open themselves up to ramifications.

The point is to hopefully help them understand this concept so that they will stop and think before they make the choice to sin. I think a great Bible verse to reinforce this concept is Galatians 6:7.

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.

What better Bible story to demonstrate this truth than that of Adam and Eve? They chose to sin. Yes, the serpent beguiled Eve, but she took of the forbidden fruit. Then Adam ate also.

What happened at the end of Genesis 3? God allowed them to continue to live on the earth. He clothed them with animal skins. But the consequences of their sin – pain in childbearing, a cursed ground, having to leave the beautiful garden – still had to be suffered.

Not only that, but those consequences still affect us today. So it often is with our sin. The impact of the consequences reaches into other people’s lives.

Remember David’s sin with Bathsheeba and the subsequent killing of Uriah. We know David’s passionate plea for forgiveness in Psalm 51. He was forgiven, but his infant son still died, and there was ongoing violence in his family. [2 Samuel 12]

And while it’s great to illustrate this to my teenagers, it’s every bit as true for me at my “advanced” age as it is for them.

I can choose to gossip, but I don’t get to choose whether or not that gossip will be repeated to the person I talked about. I can choose to say something negative about my husband, but I can’t choose how hurt he will be if he finds out.

I can worry and doubt God, and the consequence will be the loss of peace that He can provide. When I choose to sin, I open myself up to its consequences.

Some life lessons are hard. That’s true whether you’re experiencing it yourself, or watching one of your children go through it. And having to live with the consequences of your sin is usually painful in some way.

But as we repent, God forgives. In His mercy and grace, He continues to grow us. And if we will learn from sin’s consequences, we can move ahead in victory in our walk with Him.

Just Say No or Let It Go? Limiting Conflict with Your Teenager

March 6, 2019 by Tracey 4 Comments

So maybe you have the perfect teenager. Maybe he or she does everything you ask them to do with a smile and a sweet attitude. Perhaps they never question why they aren’t allowed to do something, or are required to do something else. If that’s the case, you don’t need this post, but I’d certainly like to know your secret!

Admittedly some children are easier to parent than others at any stage. But when you mix a strong-willed child with their growing bid for independence, it can be natural to have disagreements.

Don’t get me wrong; we have good daughters. But we occasionally have different ideas about what they are and aren’t allowed to decide for themselves in these teen years.

And with every parenting post these days, I feel like I need to offer a disclaimer! I’m just a mom of two teenage girls who’s tried different strategies and found this one helpful in our current season. Our girls aren’t perfect children, neither are we perfect parents. Your mileage with this strategy may vary!

This idea comes from the book Inside the Teenage Brain by Sheryl Feinstein. She tells parents to write down the top ten sources of conflict or tension with your teenager. In other words, what do you disagree about the most?

Once you have your list, put each of the ten items into one of three groups.

We need to establish a firm boundary here.
We can negotiate.
We can let this go.

Obviously the goal is to not have all ten items go under number 1!

Every family is different, so what you would put under number 1 will be different than what we would put there. And items may even change categories as our children mature.

You establish a firm boundary with those things that are most important to your family. They’re your Biblical convictions, your family values. This becomes a valuable teaching tool, because you’ll likely get the chance to explain to your teenager why these are so important to you. (And that’s best done in advance, not in the heat of a conflict!)

For example, attending church regularly with the family is a “number 1” item for us. We also have firm boundaries around our girls’ cell phone usage. Does that mean they’ll never have an issue with church attendance or their cell phones? No. But those are examples of areas in which we’re trying to teach them discipline and self-control.

Then there are issues that are negotiable. You and your teenager start with two different viewpoints. You discuss what each side wants or expects, then agree to a solution you can both accept. This is a helpful skill that your teen can carry with them into future relationships!

We might negotiate on things like hairstyles or color; what household chores have to be done, and when; and our younger daughter is currently negotiating for a hedgehog, but she hasn’t convinced us yet!!

Things you choose to let go are those that, in a sense, you just decide aren’t worth the conflict. Yes, you could be on them about every little thing, but that can make for some long, discouraging days.

Things we’ve let go include making our girls have a scheduled bedtime, keeping their rooms neat on a daily basis, and checking behind them to see if their homework is done. Those just aren’t battles I’m willing to fight.

I also noticed that a few of those items I’ve let go actually have natural consequences built in. The shirt you wanted to wear is dirty because you left it in a pile on the floor instead of in the laundry basket? Oh, well. Guess you’ll be wearing something else today. Get a bad grade in Science class because you didn’t turn in an assignment? Hopefully you’ll get the next one done in time.

Now that our oldest daughter is 18, we’re allowing her to make more and more decisions on her own, though there will always be a few non-negotiables if you’re going to live in our house.

The point is I can find 22 things to nag my girls about every day. But that doesn’t contribute to peace in our home. And every time they see me coming, I don’t want them to wonder what I’m going to get on them about now. I want to have many more positive and encouraging conversations than negative ones.

In the end, you’ll experience a lot more conflict if the boundaries you do set aren’t grounded in an actual relationship with your teenager. I’ve heard it said that rules without relationship equals rebellion. If your teen knows you love them and truly want what’s best for them, it will make walking through the conflicts a little easier.

I don’t have fully grown adult kids yet. Maybe some of you do, and have your own tips for handling conflict with teenagers. I’m learning as I go here, and would certainly love to hear your advice. I’ve still got a few years of parenting teens left!

A Letter to My Teenage Daughter: I Think One Day You’ll Understand

February 6, 2019 by Tracey 5 Comments

Dear Daughter,

The doctors and nurses don’t tell you when you leave the hospital with a tiny newborn baby all that lies ahead of you as a mom. And that’s probably a good thing…

All these years later, we’ve landed in the middle of your teenage years. We’re learning to walk a tight rope between our parental input and your independence.

It’s not easy for any of us. The wisdom that we’ve gained from years of living and your desire to make your own choices clash at times.

And even when you dutifully (and sometimes sweetly) follow our directives, I know you don’t necessarily understand.

You don’t understand…

~ why I remind you to “be careful” nearly every time you get behind the wheel of the car.

~why I want you to text and let me know when you’re leaving the school to drive home after a late night ball game.

~why I said “no” to that sleepover, and the only excuse I had to give you was that it just didn’t feel right.

~why I probably drive you crazy with how often I ask if you’re okay.

~why I want to know where you’re going and who with…all the time.

~why I won’t let you watch that movie or listen to that song.

~why your cellphone has to be in a basket in the kitchen by 10pm.

~why we’ve taught you to budget and work a job instead of just handing you money.

~why I buy you books titled Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For and send you blog posts about not settling for bad relationships and ask you to read them.

~why I pray for you so often (though I know I should be on my knees even more).

When, if God wills it, you have a newborn of your own, you’ll begin to understand. When that cuddly baby becomes a toddler, then a kindergartener, you’ll get it even more.

And when that 16-year-old, license in hand, heads out the door to drive all by herself for the first time, then, my sweet daughter, you will understand.

As hard as it is to believe today, I see you doing many of the same things that right now you think you’ll never do as a mom.

Because your heart will be like mine…overflowing with love for a nearly grown child whom you want desperately to protect from the hurts of life and the scars of sin. A child for whom you want only the best.

And in the process of learning to let go, you, as I do, will find yourself leaning ever more on the God who ultimately has control and who loves that child more than you ever could.

So thank you, in these days when you don’t understand, for being patient with your dad and I. We’re all together in this new stage of the growing-up journey.

You’ll make mistakes, and so will we. But if we keep our relationships with God and with each other front and center, we’ll make this transition successfully. We’ll see you go on to become the amazing adult we know you can be.

Then one day, my dear, I believe you’ll understand. Because you’ll see for yourself that all we did stemmed from a heart of love for the precious daughter you are.

Love,

Mom

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Only Three Pennies Left

November 6, 2018 by Tracey 6 Comments

In spite of the title above, this blog post has very little to do with money! But I love a good object lesson, and I wanted to share this one with you today.

Last week I was listening to Eryn Lynum talk about her book 936 Pennies: Discovering the Joy of Intentional Parenting on a podcast episode of Family Life Today.

She shared the story of when she and her husband dedicated their little boy to Christ during a service at their church. The pastor gave each of the families a jar filled with 936 pennies.

He explained that each penny represented one week of their child’s life from the time they were born until they turned 18. At the end of each week, the parents were to remove one penny from the jar. This visual aid was to remind parents of the passing of time and to encourage them to be intentional in how they spent the weeks they had with their children.

As Eryn finished the story, I thought about how our jar would look if we’d been given 936 pennies when our oldest daughter was born.

Right now, there’d be only three pennies left.

It's hard to believe, but our time of hands-on parenting with our oldest child is almost over.
Yes, in just over three weeks, our oldest daughter turns 18.

That’s hard for me to fathom. To visualize a big glass jar, once full of pennies and heavy to lift, now basically empty.

Admittedly, she’ll still be living in our home for another nine months, until she goes off to college. But looking back, I have to ask myself, “How have I spent the last 933 weeks?”

There’s lots of good to look back on. There are certainly also those mom moments that I’m not proud of. Hopefully, those will fade from both her memory and mine.

I have to wonder at this stage if she’s caught the most important things, what really matters in life. And I wonder if I’ve lived before her a Godly example she can follow.

So while I’m taking a moment to look back, there’s room for all of us to look forward.

How many pennies are left in your child’s jar? Maybe you’ve only taken out a handful, perhaps it’s half full, or maybe, like me, the jar is almost empty.

Regardless of how what your jar looks like, you get to choose how you parent today.

Let’s remember the overall lesson here. Be intentional in our parenting. For whatever time you have left with your child in your home, purposely decide what’s most important to you that they learn. Keep the list small, and refer to it often. Maybe it’s simply five things, that could look something like this.

~ God loves you.

~ Character counts.

~ Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

~ Attitude is everything.

~ God is always good.

These are just some of my ideas, but you can come up with your own list. What are the values you want your child to have ingrained in their heart when you pull that last penny out of the jar? Make your times of discipline, the teachable moments, every meaningful interaction with your child tie back to one of these principles.

Instead of mindlessly letting the weeks go by, we want to seize the opportunity to train and guide our children in the way that they should go.

And while there are only three pennies left in our oldest daughter’s jar, I’d like to think there’s something else in there. It’s the unseen grace of God that’s covered each day of her life. For even if I’d tried to seize every moment of every week, I’d still have things I wish I’d done better or lessons I know I should have taught her.

But praise God, it’s not all up to me. God’s grace covers those weeks when I lost my temper or was too lazy to grab that teachable moment. It was also His grace that allowed me to connect with her heart and share truths from God’s Word.

And when there’s only an empty jar left, He’ll continue to work in her life. As for me, I’ll continue to pray for and influence her in the best way I know how.

So let’s visualize our jars of pennies and look for ways to be intentional in our parenting. Then remember to thank God for His grace that covers it all.

When You’re Parenting a Teen Girl, and It’s One of Those Days

October 18, 2018 by Tracey 7 Comments

I am NOT an expert on teenage girls. In fact, I don’t know that I’m much of an expert on anything, except maybe finding the best desserts at a buffet (ha!)

We have our rough days around here just as often as anyone else does. But I hope that after parenting one daughter through five of the seven teenage years, and another through three, that I’ve learned a little something.

I do know that each child provides a very different parenting experience. Their personalities play a big part in how much they challenge authority, how they respond to correction, and pretty much every other part of the process!

Some are easy-going, naturally want to please, and seek to avoid conflict. They may seem easier to parent, but I think they sometimes cover up what’s going on inside. Other daughters put it all out there, never leaving you to wonder what’s going on with them!

As a mom, I continue to be a work in progress. But here are a few helpful ideas I’ve discovered along the way.

Five tips for parenting a teen daughter when it's one of those tough days.

1. Wait for a calm moment to address the issue.

In the heat of the moment, when emotions run high, I’m likely to say something I shouldn’t. And my daughter’s not going to be listening to my advice/correction, because her focus is totally on how unfair I’m being, how her life is falling apart, etc. (You get the idea.)

This waiting thing goes against my nature, because I want to settle things right away and move on. But over and over (I’m a slow learner), I’ve found out that nothing productive comes of jumping right in to the discussion. Better to let both of us take time to process the situation. When she’s calm, she’s much more likely to think like an adult, and something productive can be accomplished.

2. Know that being the parent isn’t always fun or easy.

Sometimes it means saying “no,” and being very unpopular with your daughter for a while. Other times, it may mean insisting she follow through with something she doesn’t want to do.

I don’t want to sound all “gloom and doom,” because there are so many great parts of having a teenage daughter. But the advice you’ve probably heard before is true…your child needs a parent, not another friend.

3. Realize that she’s listening to you more than you think she is.

How do I know this? Because she’ll bring up something I said when I thought she was paying no attention to me whatsoever. That can be good – as in, “Wow, you really are learning something!” Or it can go the other way – as in, “Oh, no, you really did hear me say that!”

4. Understand that she can get just as overwhelmed by stress and busyness as you do.

Our teenagers have a lot going on in their lives. Between school, sports, work, and other extra-curricular activities, our daughters can get very busy. Not only that, they’re learning to drive (a huge responsibility!) and beginning to make decisions about their future.

They may have high expectations for themselves, and not meeting those goals can bring disappointment. It’s not an excuse for disrespect or poor behavior, but make sure you try to understand all that they’re dealing with on a daily basis.

5. Recognize that only God can change her heart.

If you ever lived under the illusion that you were in control of your child’s life, now is the time you realize you have none. The older and more independent they become, the more you realize that they have the power to make good choices or bad ones.

So pray. This is what I need to remember every. single. day. We’re neck-deep in the season of college choice and “what should I major in.” I’m not arrogant enough to think that I know God’s will for her life. It is for Him to do His work in her heart… and for her to allow it.

I can’t soften her heart any more than I can control her emotions. Only the Holy Spirit can do that. And honestly, isn’t that a relief??? While I have a responsibility to teach her about our Savior, and to train her in His commandments, it’s the work of God to grow her in her faith.

For you mamas who’ve already parented a teenage girl through a few rough days, I’d love to hear your perspective. This non-expert mama enjoys hearing from those who’ve walked this road before me!

Choosing a Bible Verse to Pray for Your Child in the Coming School Year

August 3, 2018 by Tracey 4 Comments

So, I had a moment last night.

My husband and I were home alone. After we cleaned up the kitchen from supper, I felt drawn to our older daughter’s bedroom. I went in, sat down on the bed, and started praying for her.

My heart was overwhelmed with several things. First of all, my love for her. Secondly, the reality that just over a year from now, she’ll no longer be living in that room full-time. She won’t be in and out during the day, or returning every night to sleep in her bed. What’s ahead is the next right step, but it didn’t stop the tears from flowing.

I asked God to bless her, to draw her close to Him, to guide and protect her. Then I wrote her a letter, sharing my heart, and left it under her pillow for her to find when she got ready for bed.

All of that coincided with what I heard on the podcast Grit ‘n’ Grace Girls earlier in the day. Co-host Amy Carroll shared an idea she got from the book The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children. She said the author suggested choosing one Bible verse to pray for your children each year. Amy had taken that challenge for her sons, and shared the verses she had chosen.

While my children aren’t adults yet, they’re getting close! I really like this idea. And with the start of a new school year in a couple of weeks, I figured it would be a great time to initiate it. Even if your children are younger, this might be something you’d want to do, too.

What would you like to see developed in your child's life this school year? Pray about it, using God's Word.

For my 17-year-old, I chose Proverbs 3:5-6.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

She has so many decisions to make as she enters her senior year of high school. She needs direction. While I won’t pray these exact words every day, I thought it would be helpful to write out the general idea for my prayer.

Dear God,

Please help our daughter to trust in you with all her heart. Don’t let her lean on her own understanding, but help her to acknowledge you in all her ways. We know that if she does that, you have promised to direct her paths. Your Word assures us that the only way to true joy and happiness is in following your will. May we as her parents encourage her to trust you, and allow you to guide her steps.

For our 15-year-old, I chose Proverbs 4:23.

“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”

She’ll be entering her sophomore year of high school. I think this is an age where it’s easy to get caught up in all the high school activity. Time goes into friendships, studying, homework, and extracurricular activities. It’s easy to let the spiritual side slide. Here’s my prayer for her.

Dear God,

Help our daughter keep her heart, and be diligent in protecting it. Give her wisdom and discernment to seek out good influences and run from bad ones. May she realize the importance of what she allows into her life and her mind. May her relationship with you grow and flourish this year.

I realize that I’ve written a lot about praying for our children on the blog! Here are five of my favorite posts on this topic from the past.

5 Prayers to Pray for Your Children Every Day

10 Prayers to Pray for Your Daughter

A Prayer for Wisdom in Parenting My Children

A Mom’s Prayer for Today

Praying God’s Blessings on My Family

Is there a Bible verse you’d like to pray for your children in the upcoming school year?