(This post was originally published on August 24, 2015.  The girl who was starting her freshman year of high school is now entering her senior year of college!  Though some time has passed, this advice still holds true.)

Today our older daughter starts high school.  These are the years you remember throughout adulthood, a time to make memories and friends and earn a grade point average that actually counts toward college acceptance.

I want her to be grounded in who she is, in who she surrounds herself with, and, most of all, in her walk with God.  So many spiritual decisions that could affect the rest of her life begin here.

With that in mind, on her first day of high school, here are eight pieces of advice I’d like to share with her.

1.  Always remember that God loves you.  Whatever crosses your path each day has been foreordained by Him.  His grace is sufficient.  (2 Corinthians 12:9)  You can do all things through His strength.  (Philippians 4:13)

2.  Recognize that you are made in His image, wonderfully put together.  “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made….How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!”  (Psalm 139:14, 17)  Your physical traits, your personality, your strengths and weaknesses were all designed by God to be used in His plan for your life and to bring Him glory.

3.  Be friendly to everyone.  “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly:….”  (Proverbs 18:24)  That 7th grader you barely know?  Say “hello” when you pass her in the hall.  The boy you’re standing in front of in the lunch line?  Smile at him.  The new girl in your grade?  See if she needs help finding a classroom.  The teacher who seems to be having a hard day?  Say something kind.

4.  Be true to yourself.  Don’t change who you are to fit into a crowd or please a friend.  Be willing to stand alone, if necessary.  Even at a Christian school, there will be peer pressure to do wrong.  Have the courage to choose to do what’s right.

5.  Use your time wisely.  “So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.”  (Psalm 90:12)  Apply yourself to your classes and learn all you can.  Outside of the classroom, explore your interests and put your time into activities you enjoy.  Choose extra-curricular activities that are fun and that introduce you to new people.

6.  Stretch yourself.  Try something you think is just outside of your comfort zone.

7.  Stay above the drama.  Don’t allow yourself to get dragged into friends’ and classmates’ disagreements.

8.  Make fun memories.  “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”  (Ecclesiastes 3:1)  With your family, your friends, and your classmates enjoy this season and remember these stories that you’ll be telling your kids in 20 years!

What other advice do you have for a new high schooler?

Hello friends! I’m back on the blog after a week away for our family vacation. We spent a couple of days exploring Philadelphia, which was fun for us since we all like checking out historical sites. Then we had a day at Hershey Park, a morning visiting Amish country in Lancaster, and finished up with a few days at Bear Creek Mountain Resort, which was very relaxing!

Our daughter’s fiance came in for the July 4th weekend and it was nice, as always, to have him here. And now it’s July 6th already and it feels as if summer is just flying by!

Yesterday I was catching up with a mom who’s just ahead of me in parenting. She already has a couple of young adult married children. We’ve known each other for a while, and she and her husband were a hugely positive influence on our daughters during their high school years.

I was reminded of some of the rough spots we hit with our girls during those teenage years. She and I talked about how rewarding it is when your children make it through those trials and, as best as you can tell, are walking with the Lord.

As I think back over the struggles we had at times, I tried to pinpoint what kept us in relationship with our teens. If I had to name one overarching theme, I would say that our daughters believed that our heart was for them. Even when they disagreed or didn’t like our decisions, I believe they sensed that our desire – whether we always communicated it well or not – was that we wanted what was best for them.

I understand that there are many parents with prodigal children who’ve turned away from God, at least for the moment. Our children make their own choices and they can break our hearts. That could be the case in our family tomorrow. But I wanted to share ten things that will hopefully help us as we try to build relationships with our teenagers.

First, let’s look at five things NOT to do when trying to build a relationship with your teenager.

1. Make arbitrary decisions.

Once our children are teenagers, it’s good to move beyond answering their “Why?” questions with “…because I said so.” Try not to make decisions based on a whim or simply because you’re in a good – or a bad – mood.

As Christians, we have the Bible on which to base our decisions. Use Scripture to explain why you are or aren’t allowing something. Does that mean that they will always understand and jump on board with your decision? No, but you do have a reason for what you’re doing, not just something you made up.

2. Be inconsistent.

We all like to know what the boundaries are whether in a job situation or in a relationship. We want our children to be able to trust that our response will be the same no matter what.

3. Be unwilling to listen to them.

Listening doesn’t mean you will give in to what they want, but you can at least give them the courtesy of hearing them out. Communication is foundational to any relationship, so don’t let yourself be the only one who gets to talk.

4. Compare them to others.

Maybe your friend’s teenager gets better grades or is more involved in extracurricular activities or seems more spiritual than your child. Even if you don’t verbalize the comparison, it can affect how you respond to your teen.

5. Fail to acknowledge your own mistakes.

If you’re doing everything perfectly in parenting, I don’t even know what to say. You certainly don’t need to be reading here – please go write your own blog and I’ll come read it!

One of my dad’s favorite lines, when I was a teenager, was, “I’ve never parented a __-year-old before.” We’ve certainly used that with our older daughter – and we could find ways to apply it with our younger one as well. We’re going to make mistakes as parents and we should be willing to go to our child and admit it and ask forgiveness.

Now let’s look at five positive things that we could do to build that relationship.

1. Support their interests.

It may mean spending a little money and perhaps lots of time, but support them in the activities they’re interested in. And make sure it’s their interest and not just yours.

2. Spend time with them doing what they enjoy.

When we were at Hershey Park, I was sharing a memory about my dad with one of my daughters. I’m not sure that my dad actually enjoyed roller coasters, but I do know that if any of us kids wanted someone to ride with us, he would do it.

It’s easy to bring our teenagers into what we love, but let’s make sure we’re seeking to know what their interests are and find ways to join them in it.

3. Pray.

I’ve written a lot about praying for our teenagers already! Pray for specific needs in their lives, and pray for wisdom for yourself as you parent them. Our sovereign God loves them and His Holy Spirit can guide all of us through this season.

4. Use your words to lift them up.

There’s plenty to criticize and lots of things to correct. But let’s keep some of that in check so that we can say, “I love you” and “I’m proud of you.” Be specific with your praise and especially take advantage of opportunities to praise their character and not just their accomplishments.

5. Celebrate their joys and empathize with their sorrows.

Make a point to find ways to celebrate when good things happen for them! That’s usually a lot easier than dealing with a disappointed teen. Be available to listen and empathize without having to offer a solution right away.

I hope these ten ideas will help all of us as we seek to build better relationships with our teenagers!

Related posts:

• 7 Ways to Parent a Teenager
• What to Do When Your Teenager Disappoints You
• 5 Things Parenting Is Teaching Me About My Relationship with God

Hello, friends! Has it really hit you yet that it’s MAY!! I think I’m in denial. But it will definitely feel real when our college girls get home next weekend.

Today’s post was inspired by a recent conversation with a couple of mom friends. (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Having friends with children who are similar ages to mine has been a lifesaver in parenting. Otherwise, I tend to think that I’m the only mom whose child __________ (fill in the blank with any number of actions or attitudes). Talking with other moms reminds me that we all face similar challenges and celebrate some of the same joys, too!)

Dealing with teenagers can differ from one family to the next based on the parent’s personality, the child’s personality, and many other factors. But you’ll likely experience some things during those years that are the same across the board. After all, teenagers have a reputation for certain behaviors for a reason!

Listed below are seven ways to parent our teenagers. Hopefully, they can help us build good relationships with our children during this season of their lives.

Let’s parent our teenagers…

1. With love.

This is the kind that’s unconditional because your teenager isn’t always going to act loving or respond to you in love. But we can always seek to interact with them and make decisions regarding them from a place of love and wanting the best for them.

2. With patience.

This one may be needed more than any of the others!! When our teenager frustrates us, it’s so easy to respond with a quick, unkind word or an angry outburst. And sometimes when they’ve made a poor choice or a bad decision, that may seem warranted.

But here’s where we do offer up a quick prayer for self-control and don’t let our emotions take over. We can remain calm while still communicating clearly and correcting as necessary.

3. With a sense of humor.

Sometimes all you can do is laugh. This is advice to myself right here – don’t take everything so seriously. Never laugh at your teenager, but take every opportunity to laugh with them.

4. With an adult perspective.

Look at the long view when dealing with teenagers. Know that they’re going to make mistakes and use those as learning opportunities. We’re not trying to raise great kids – or even great teenagers – but great adults.

5. With a mindfulness of their growing need for independence.

Don’t treat them like they’re four years old. Allow age-appropriate freedoms. Let them earn more independence by showing that they’re responsible and trustworthy.

6. Without a need to be liked.

This is especially hard for a people pleaser like me. I just want everyone to be happy and in a good mood! But sometimes we’ll have to make a decision that our teenager doesn’t like and stick to it.

7. With prayers for wisdom.

Did you see this one coming? My prayer life changed and grew once we had teenagers. Especially when parenting your oldest, the best way to handle a situation may not be clear. Ask God for wisdom and He promises to give it.

I don’t want it to sound like having teenagers in the house is such a terrible thing! They’re also a lot of fun, as I shared in my Top 10 Things I Love About Having Teenage Daughters. Parenting teenagers has definitely grown me and changed me for the better!

If you have other suggestions of ways to parent our teenagers, please share in the comments section below!

Related posts:

• 10 Tips for Communicating with Teenagers
• 4 Bible Verses to Hold on to as We Parent Teenagers
• 7 Lessons Parenting Teaches Us About Ourselves

Good morning! We’re in the middle of a beautiful spring week here. I hope you had a wonderful weekend celebrating Easter and our Lord’s resurrection!

Our two college daughters were home for four days and it was great to have them around. We enjoyed some good family time including games, movies, and lots of good food!

After four days with our house full, I went to complete silence on Monday evening. I’d dropped our girls off at the airport to fly back to college and my husband left to go out of town. I’ve been a bit sentimental and reflective since then. It’s only three weeks until our daughters are home for the summer, but all these comings and goings take a toll on a mama’s heart.

All that led to the observations I’m sharing below about parenting. I’m sure there are more profound lessons I’ve learned over the past twenty years, but these are five that I’m reflecting on in this season.

1. You don’t get any do-overs in parenting.

This is one of those things I’ve always known in the back of my head, but I didn’t often focus on it during my early parenting years.

Parenting is such a solemn responsibility. We’re given our specific children to steward for the Lord. The opportunities we have to shepherd their hearts and train them in Bible principles are priceless.

Yes, we know that there are no perfect parents. We’re going to make mistakes. But do we daily ask God to give us wisdom and guidance as we parent our children?

2. God’s grace is over it all.

I had to follow the lesson above with this one. God’s grace is greater than any of my mistakes. He can work in their lives to develop those things I failed to teach them. His grace can help them become strong in areas where I’ve been weak.

And as the years go by, if our girls grow to love and serve God and live for Him all their days, it’s not because I was such a great mom. It’s all because of God’s grace.

3. Just when you get used to one life season, things change.

I feel like I’ve gotten used to our older daughter leaving for college and then returning home for Christmas and summer breaks. But now we have one more summer and one more Christmas break until she’s married. And I’m thrilled and excited for her…but still, it will be different.

There are lots of transitions like that with our children. They start school. They develop independence in certain areas. They start going to events without you. They get a job, start driving…the list goes on.

Those are big transitions, but there are small ones, too. And just when you feel like you have a handle on parenting in a certain stage, something changes.

4. Young adult children are delightful.

One of my favorite things in life right now is when all four of us eat a meal together around our dining room table and then sit there and talk for a while when we’re done eating. I love the conversations and the laughter and the sharing of our lives.

Is it all rainbows and sunshine parenting young adults? No. We’re still learning to navigate this. But it’s neat to see that we share some common interests. And their energy can be contagious – except that my bedtime still has to come a lot earlier than theirs!

5. In every stage, your relationship with God is most important.

We can easily get so wrapped up in our husband or in our children or really anything including jobs or hobbies. But at some point, every last one of those things is going to change in some way.

The one constant in our lives is God. He will always be there, never changing. He is our source of strength, our comfort, our joy, and our peace. May we make spending time in His Word and in prayer a priority through every stage of parenting.

Are there any parenting lessons you’ve learned lately? If so, please let us know in the comments!

Related posts:

• 5 Helpful Steps to Parenting Your Teenager Well
• 7 Life Principles from Proverbs to Teach Our Children
• 5 Things Parenting Is Teaching Me About My Relationship with God

Happy April 1st!!

Do y’all participate in April Fools’ Day? I’m not a fan of practical jokes, so I pretty much ignore it 🙂 I’m also terrible at trying to convince someone of something that’s not actually true, so there’s no need for me to even try. In the past, I’ve seen people share cute ideas for making April Fools’ Day a fun day for their kids. If that’s you, I hope you enjoy the day!

As our daughters get older, I’m learning that there are parts of being a mom that stay the same no matter their age. For example, any time your child is hurting, you hurt with and for them. Whether it’s a relationship issue, a major disappointment, academic struggles, or loneliness, we want to help them in any way we can.

But it’s not like those childhood years when you could soothe most of what ailed them with a hug and a double scoop ice cream cone. Not only are the issues bigger, but our teens are away from us a lot more, involved in school and work, and maybe even off to college.

So what can we do when that teenager we love is going through a hard time? Here are seven ideas.

1. Pray for her.

It sounds so simple, but it’s the single most effective thing we can do. Pray for her spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. Ask God to open her heart and mind so she’ll allow Him to show her what she needs to do.

Sometimes I’ve needed to put Romans 8:26 into practice. I ask the Holy Spirit to intercede for me because in certain situations, I don’t even know exactly how I should pray. But God knows my heart and understands all that’s going on.

2. Ask God for wisdom.

God has the wisdom we need and will freely give it. [James 1:5] Often we’re presented with a parenting situation we haven’t had to deal with before. We need wisdom to know how we should respond. We need guidance to know what to say to our child and what advice to give if she’s willing to accept it.

3. Keep a proper perspective.

As the parent, you’ve lived long enough to know that most difficult situations are temporary. And from our vantage point, we can look back and see how God has taken hard times in our own lives and used them for our good.

So don’t lose hope. Encourage yourself and your teenager that this will likely pass before long.

4. Remember that God is especially near to them when they’re hurting.

This verse came to mind.

“The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the Lord delivereth him out of them all.” ~Psalm 34:18-19

God is close to those who have a broken heart, to those who are hurting. We may not be able to be there in person to offer our teens comfort, but God is always close by.

5. Trust God to use this trial in their lives for their long-term good.

At this point, we control very little in our children’s lives. But God sees the whole picture. He will use this hard time to grow and mature them if they will let Him.

And if, like me, you’re tempted to worry and fret over how things will work out, refer to Philippians 4:8. Take it to God in prayer and ask Him to give you His peace.

6. Listen more than you talk.

Your teen may not want to talk about her struggle. But if she does open up, listen. Don’t interrupt her or jump in with advice. Be grateful that she’s willing to share her heart with you.

7. Remind her that you love her.

Can anyone ever hear that too much? And don’t just tell her, but show her. Write her a note, bring her a favorite treat, give her a gift card to a favorite store, or, if she’s away from home, send her a small gift that lets her know you’re thinking about her.

This is advice I need myself quite often, especially the parts about asking God for wisdom and trusting Him to use our daughters’ struggles to make them better. How thankful we can be for a God who loves us moms and our teens so much!!

Related posts:

• 5 Helpful Steps to Parenting Your Teenager Well
• 4 Bible Verses to Hold on to as We Parent Teenagers
• 17 Things I Want My 17-Year-Old Daughter to Know

Hello, my friends!! Welcome back to the blog!

March is a full month for us. My mom was here visiting last week, and I leave tomorrow to fly down to Florida to see our daughters at college. They’re currently finishing up midterm exams, so I expect there to be lots of eating, shopping, and sleeping 🙂

Yesterday one of those “4 years ago today” videos popped up, and it was from a fine arts competition our girls were in on March 15, 2018. Our younger daughter was a high school freshman and the older one a junior, and it was a walk down memory lane to watch those old performances.

We were right in the middle of the “parenting teenagers” years at that point. There were some wonderfully sweet moments and some rather difficult ones. As is true in any parenting stage, there were a few times when our children disappointed us. When they do that as teenagers, though, the stakes can seem higher. The mistakes they make in those years can have long-lasting consequences.

As we walk through those times when our teenagers frustrate us or fail to meet our expectations, here are seven things we can do to navigate the situation graciously.

1. Affirm your love for them.

When something your teenager’s done or a choice they’ve made disappoints you, let them know that you still love them. Your love is not based on anything except the fact that he or she is your child. Yes, their actions may disappoint you, but your love for them doesn’t change.

2. Wait before addressing the issue.

Make sure you have all the facts before you begin dealing with the situation. And even once you have all the information, take time for a few deep breaths or to get your emotions under control if needed. I like to take a minute and think through what I want to communicate in our discussion.

3. Have reasonable consequences.

Natural consequences are the best teacher, so let those play out if applicable. Otherwise, try to tie any consequences to their actions. For example, “You went somewhere you weren’t supposed to, so now you have to hang out at home for two weeks.” You can also have your teenager weigh in on what they think the consequences should be. They may be harder on themselves than you think they will be.

4. Refuse to focus on what others (friends, family members) are going to say about the situation.

Whatever happened is only between you, your child, and any other person that was directly involved. Otherwise, unless you seek a trusted person’s wise counsel, no one else has the right to speak into the situation.

5. Talk to God about your disappointment.

Your mama’s heart hurts. The path your child went down is not one you wanted for them. Go to God for comfort and refuge. And pray for your teenager, that they will learn from this and that God will use it to mature them.

6. Leave it in the past and refuse to bring it up again.

Once consequences, if necessary, have been given, it’s over. Don’t rehash it the next time they do something wrong. What’s done is done, so move on.

7. Don’t blame yourself for your child’s poor decision.

They made their choice and they’ll have to live with it. Should you do an honest evaluation to see if you might handle something differently in the future? Sure. But what they decided to do is not your fault, so lose the guilt.

It’s probably safe to say that every teenager disappoints their parents some time, whether in a small way or a more notable one. But we’d all admit that we’re not perfect parents either! If our teens can learn from their mistakes today, they can be better prepared for the future. Let’s ask God to give us wisdom to handle these situations and seek to maintain a loving relationship with our children throughout the teenage years.

Related posts:

• 5 Helpful Steps to Parenting Your Teenager Well
• 10 Simple But Powerful Pieces of Life Advice for Teenagers
• 7 Important Things to Remember as We Pray for Our Teenagers

Hello and thanks for stopping by Girls to Grow today! It’s been a good week here so far and I hope you can say the same. We had a quiet Valentine’s Day dinner at home on Monday night. Yesterday I worked on various blog projects and I hope to get a little more done with those today.

I’ve mentioned numerous times here how I like to use Scripture-based prayers, especially when I’m praying for my family members. I’ve given specific examples in posts like 5 Prayers to Pray When Your Child Is Hurting and 10 Important Prayers to Pray for My College-Bound Daughter.

Praying for our children is always the number one thing we can do for them. But I think the teen years highlight just how true that is. Our teenagers are gaining independence. They’re changing, they’re making big decisions, and maybe even figuring out their faith for themselves for the first time. Here are seven key things to keep in mind as we pray for them.

1. Your will may not be God’s will.

Have you asked God if the prayers you’re praying for your teenager are in line with His will? Sometimes we fill our prayers with our own plans and ideas for what should happen in our teen’s life. So let’s examine our requests and determine if they’re just our own desires or what God would truly have for them.

Here’s where praying Scripture-based prayers is a huge blessing. We know that if we’re praying God’s Word back to Him, we’re praying in His will. Let’s use Proverbs 3:5 as an example. If you pray, “Lord, please help my daughter to trust in you with all her heart and not lean on her own understanding,” you can be confident you’re praying the same thing that God would want for her.

2. God sees the big picture.

One of our daughters went through a trial recently. She certainly wouldn’t have signed up for it – nor would her dad and I have signed her up for it! However, I believe the lessons she’s been learning will prove invaluable as she matures in her faith.

All that you and I can see is the here and now. But our God knows the end from the beginning. He is doing a work in our teen’s life to prepare her for the future.

3. God is at always work.

We pray and we pray and we pray…but it seems that God’s not moving. Nothing is happening. Or at least that’s how we feel when there aren’t immediate and visible results.

But God is working. He’s aware of what’s going on with our teenagers. He has people or circumstances or situations lined up behind the scenes. God can orchestrate anything that He wants to happen in her life. In those times we don’t see God at work we get to grow our own faith by trusting Him.

4. Recognize that you – not your teenager – may be the one who needs to change.

I’m obviously not talking about going against BIble principles or your own convictions here. But maybe you’ve closed your mind against a particular idea in your teenager’s life when it’s something that’s just a preference. Be humble enough to ask God to reveal to you any area where you might need to change your mind.

5. It’s not one and done.

It might be nice to see an answer to prayer in our teen’s life and think, “Great, they’ve conquered that issue.” Rarely does it work that way. Our teenagers are still growing in their faith. They will sometimes struggle with the same things over and over again. And we do, too. When that particular struggle comes up again, give them grace and keep praying.

6. Our heart’s desire should be for God to receive glory.

It’s not about our reputation or our teenager’s reputation. It’s about God getting the glory. Yes, our prayers for our teenagers focus on them and their needs. But ultimately we want God to be glorified through answered prayer and the work that He accomplishes in their lives.

7. God answers prayer.

Keep praying. Don’t give up. As we studied in Psalm 145 recently, God is close by those who call on Him. Take the burdens of your heart to Him and have faith that He will answer in His time and in His way.

What a gift God has given us in being able to talk to Him about our teenagers! Always remember that He loves them even more than we do. As much as we want the best for their lives, He wants the same – and He knows what truly is best. Let’s cover our teens in prayer and then praise Him as we see Him answer those prayers!

Related posts:

• 4 Bible Verses to Hold on to as We Parent Teenagers
• 14 Prayers for My 14-Year-Old Daughter
• 3 Prayers to Pray as We Learn to Let Go of Our Teenagers