Girls To Grow

Sitting around the supper table recently, my family was discussing some memorable “misbehavior moments” from when our girls were younger.  It took me back to those early days of training and correction when it sometimes felt like nothing was working!

We often hear the term “strong-willed child.”  I would certainly say we have one that fits into that category!  I like this definition from Aha! Parenting.com.

“What exactly is a strong-willed child? Some parents call them “difficult” or “stubborn,” but we could also see strong-willed kids as people of integrity who aren’t easily swayed from their own viewpoints. Strong-willed kids are spirited and courageous. They want to learn things for themselves rather than accepting what others say, so they test the limits over and over.

They want desperately to be “in charge” of themselves, and will sometimes put their desire to “be right” above everything else. When their heart is set on something, their brains seem to have a hard time switching gears. Strong-willed kids have big, passionate feelings and live at full throttle.”

While we need to consistently pray for all of our children, sometimes those we would classify as strong-willed drive us to our knees more often than the others. Below, I’ve listed eight ways we can pray for those children in particular, as well as ways we can pray for ourselves as we guide them.  (I’m using the female tense here since I have daughters, but feel free to substitute “he/him” if your strong-willed child happens to be a boy!)

1. Give me wisdom to parent this child.  James 1:5 promises that God will answer this prayer!  I certainly need wisdom to know how to handle the daily struggles that come when she continually wants her own way, right then, no matter what.

2. Draw her to Yourself in salvation early in life.  Our ultimate desire in training our children is to have them be willing to submit their will to God’s.  As they yield their hearts to Jesus Christ in salvation, His Holy Spirit will begin to work in their lives. 

3. Help me to be firm in setting boundaries.   We get tired, and it’s so easy to cave in and just let her do what she wants.  If you’re like me, you just want peace in your family!  Every issue doesn’t need to turn into a power struggle (which is why I need wisdom), but when I take a stand, I need to see it through.

4. Channel her strong will into courage to stand up for what’s right.  Help me see the positive potential in her determined nature.  Use her to be a voice for those who are weaker, and to do great things for the cause of Christ.

5. On those days when I’m exhausted from the constant power struggles, remind me to find my strength in You.  Psalm 22:19 says, “But be not thou far from me, O Lord: O my strength, haste thee to help me.”  God can give us the help and strength we need for each day.

6. Grow her desire to obey.  So often that’s what it’s all about – obedience. Recognize and praise those times when she actually does do what she’s asked without a fight!  As we teach her to obey authority she can see and hear, that will hopefully lead to her obeying God and His Word.

7. As I parent her, show me how often I put my wishes and desires above Yours, so that I may repent.   I’ve learned more about myself through parenting my children than I ever dreamed I would!!  I’m not nearly as patient and easygoing as I might have thought I was before.  Often, God uses situations with my children to show me my own lack of self-control and sinfulness.

8. Even when it’s hard and I’m frustrated beyond belief, let me demonstrate Your love toward her.   Romans 5:8 tells me that even when I was steeped in my sin, Christ loved me enough to die for me.  No matter how unlovely she is in her moments of rebellion, I can allow the fruit of the Spirit to show love through me to her.

God has placed into our homes exactly the children He wants us to parent.  May we seek His help through prayer every day to train those children in a way that brings Him glory

*This was originally published in February 2017. I’m happy to report that my strong-willed child has grown into a delightful young woman.

You can also check out My Family Prayer Journal which is a printable PDF to help guide you as you pray for your children.

Related posts:

• A Prayer for Wisdom in Parenting My Children
• 7 Bible Verses to Remember When You Feel Discouraged as a Parent
• 4 Things to Do When You’ve Blown It with Your Kids

If it was going to be easy to raise kids, it never would have started with something called labor. ~Anonymous

Last month, our 22-year-old daughter got married. That particular event has caused me to be more reflective about family life and parenting than at any other time. I haven’t been in the day-to-day trenches of parenting for a while, since both of our girls have been away at college. But it’s a whole new step when a child, adult that they are, moves out and starts their own family.

In the past 22 years, I certainly never reached the point where I thought I’d mastered this parenting thing. I learned something new on a regular basis. There was a lot of trial and error, and I learned as much – if not more – from my mistakes as I did any successes.

I realize that I’m still parenting, even though that looks different now. I look forward to how my relationships with our daughters will change and grow in the coming years.

As I reflected a bit on some of the lessons I’ve learned, here are ten tips I’d like to share if you’re still in the middle of your parenting journey.

1.  Let the little things go. 

How you and I define “little” things may differ, but over the years, I took to heart the saying, “Choose your battles.” To throw in another metaphor, not every hill was one worth dying on.

One of those little (to me) things I let go of during their teen years was insisting that they keep their bedroom neat. Throughout high school, both of our girls played sports, participated in fine arts, and worked. You wouldn’t think they were home long enough for their rooms to get messy 🙂 but they were. Most of the time, they’d do a clean-up on Saturday mornings, so for the rest of the week, I just overlooked the piles of clothes and whatever else was stacked up or scattered around the room.

2.  Attitude is everything – hers and mine. 

Yes, either one or both of our daughters occasionally needed an attitude correction – but often I needed to address mine before helping her with hers. There were times when that meant setting a discussion aside until one or both of us had calmed down.

Be approachable and willing to listen. Yes, we’re the parents and we have to set boundaries and enforce consequences. But we can do all of that while showing our children that we love them and want what’s best for them.

3.  Apologize fully. 

When you’ve blown it, apologize. Look her in the eyes and say I’m sorry that I handled that situation incorrectly. Show your child what humility looks like.

4.  Remember that rearing children is a process. 

What happens today is not a full picture of you as a parent. It’s only a snapshot. It’s the weeks and months and years of training and correction and love and prayer that will make them into men and women of character and faith.

5.  A sense of humor lightens my load and theirs.

Sometimes things are just funny, so laugh. Some of our most memorable family moments came when things didn’t unfold as planned…like getting caught in a torrential downpour while walking across the Brooklyn Bridge or taking a wrong turn while driving in Arizona and ending up at the border to Mexico. I’m not saying that they were all our favorite times, but they were memorable!

6.  Losing my temper accomplishes…nothing.

Did you know that there’s a Bible verse about this? “For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” (James 1:20) Our anger will not produce God’s righteousness in ourselves or our children.

Under this point, I’ll include the value of learning to bite your tongue. Often our first response is not the best one, and, in almost every situation, taking a minute or two to think before you speak is helpful.

7.  Be firm, with no drama. 

If consequences for misbehavior are forthcoming, just state them simply and move on.  No browbeating, no lecturing, and no debating allowed.

8.  Work to build strong sibling relationships. 

By the grace of God, our girls are very close friends today. I wouldn’t have thought that would be the case during certain periods in their growing-up years! But it was always a goal of mine and something I wanted to promote as much as possible. I wrote more about this in an older post, Five “C’s” for Creating Caring Sibling Relationships.

9.  Be creative with correction.  

There are many different ways to teach your child a lesson. Natural consequences were always my favorite, but they weren’t always available. However, as much as we can, making the “punishment” fit the “crime” will make more of an impact than using the same consequence over and over.

10. Seek wisdom. 

If I had all the answers, I wouldn’t need God – and how I need Him!! Never was it more evident than during my years of parenting children in our home, especially in the teen years. How thankful I am that at every life stage, God promises to give us His wisdom if we’ll just ask and believe He’ll provide it. (James 1:5-6)

There’s also value in friendships with moms and dads who’ve already parented their children through the stage that you’re in. They can share what worked and didn’t work for them – as well as offer a sympathetic ear if you just need someone to listen!

The neat thing is that this last tip carries over to my current status of parenting young adults. Praying for our daughters and what’s going on in their lives as well as asking God for wisdom on how to best relate to them now is an ongoing process.

I’m excited about this new phase of life, adding a son-in-law to our family and watching him and our daughter grow in their young marriage. May God continue to bless us and our children as we walk with Him!

Related posts:

• 5 Truths About Trusting God with Our Kids
• 7 Important Things to Remember as We Pray for Our Teenagers
• 5 Things Parenting Is Teaching Me About My Relationship with God

Happy post-Labor Day week! My husband and I had a couple of fun outings over the long weekend, which was very nice.

On Monday I did a quick closet switchover. I moved many of my summer clothes to the back of the closet and got my fall and winter clothes front and center. I like to do that before I start shopping for fall clothes so that I have a better idea of what I already own – even though I know it will be awhile before I need warmer clothing!

This past Sunday I was talking to a friend of my daughter’s who just turned 20. It reminded me that when our younger daughter turns 20 in December, I’ll give up the title of “mom of a teenager” forever. Between our two girls, t’s been a nine-year run and it’s hard to believe that it’s almost over!

Today I’m sharing a list of seven things that our teenage daughters need to hear from us. As I look back, I wish I’d said these even more often. But it’s not too late – I know my young adult children need to hear them, too! And I’m confident they apply to teenage sons as well.

1. I love you no matter what.

Our daughters need to know that their actions don’t change our love for them. No matter what they’ve done – or haven’t done – we will always love them and want to be in a relationship with them.

Not only do we need to say these words, but our actions need to reflect them. When our daughters disappoint us, work through the situation with grace and forgiveness.

2. I’m proud of you.

In a world of competition and comparison, let’s tell our daughters often that we’re proud of them. Proud of their accomplishments, yes, but more so of their character and the wonderful young women they’re becoming.

Admittedly there may be days when it’s hard to find something positive to say. But if you look for something to praise her for, you can find it.

3. God has a plan for your life.

Our teenagers are at an age where they’re making lots of life decisions. It can be overwhelming and confusing. Remind her often that God has a plan for her life.

Share Bible verses like Psalm 32:8. “I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.”

4. Thank you.

Express your gratitude when she does something you’ve asked her to do or takes the initiative to do something on her own. Yes, this means thanking her even when she does something she’s supposed to do.

I like being thanked for making a meal even though it’s something I consider part of my “job.” If I like that, I’m guessing that she will, too. We all like to be appreciated.

5. I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?

We may find ourselves saying this more than we would like. We’re going to make mistakes as parents and we need to be humble enough to admit it.

She already knows (or should!) that we’re not perfect. Not only will this show her that we’re willing to take responsibility for our faults; it can also show her the importance of apologizing when she’s done wrong.

6. I’m praying for you.

Your daughter needs a prayer warrior on her side, someone who will go to the throne of God for her. While you likely know areas of her life where she needs prayer, ask her often if she has anything that she’d like you to pray for on her behalf.

7. You’ve got this.

Let’s give our girls some confidence when they face hard things! You can remind her of how she came through a difficult situation in the past. Let her know that you believe in her abilities and – like we just said – that you’re praying for her to have the strength and wisdom to handle what’s ahead.

While parenting a teen girl can be challenging some days, those years are also filled with many new adventures and chances to make special memories. On a regular basis, may we speak love and encouragement to these precious lives God has given us to steward for Him.

Related posts:

• A Letter to My Teenage Daughter: I Think One Day You’ll Understand
• 7 Ways to Show Love to Your Teenage Daughter
• 10 Ways to Build a Relationship with Your Teenager

(This post was originally published on August 24, 2015.  The girl who was starting her freshman year of high school is now entering her senior year of college!  Though some time has passed, this advice still holds true.)

Today our older daughter starts high school.  These are the years you remember throughout adulthood, a time to make memories and friends and earn a grade point average that actually counts toward college acceptance.

I want her to be grounded in who she is, in who she surrounds herself with, and, most of all, in her walk with God.  So many spiritual decisions that could affect the rest of her life begin here.

With that in mind, on her first day of high school, here are eight pieces of advice I’d like to share with her.

1.  Always remember that God loves you.  Whatever crosses your path each day has been foreordained by Him.  His grace is sufficient.  (2 Corinthians 12:9)  You can do all things through His strength.  (Philippians 4:13)

2.  Recognize that you are made in His image, wonderfully put together.  “I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made….How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!”  (Psalm 139:14, 17)  Your physical traits, your personality, your strengths and weaknesses were all designed by God to be used in His plan for your life and to bring Him glory.

3.  Be friendly to everyone.  “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly:….”  (Proverbs 18:24)  That 7th grader you barely know?  Say “hello” when you pass her in the hall.  The boy you’re standing in front of in the lunch line?  Smile at him.  The new girl in your grade?  See if she needs help finding a classroom.  The teacher who seems to be having a hard day?  Say something kind.

4.  Be true to yourself.  Don’t change who you are to fit into a crowd or please a friend.  Be willing to stand alone, if necessary.  Even at a Christian school, there will be peer pressure to do wrong.  Have the courage to choose to do what’s right.

5.  Use your time wisely.  “So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.”  (Psalm 90:12)  Apply yourself to your classes and learn all you can.  Outside of the classroom, explore your interests and put your time into activities you enjoy.  Choose extra-curricular activities that are fun and that introduce you to new people.

6.  Stretch yourself.  Try something you think is just outside of your comfort zone.

7.  Stay above the drama.  Don’t allow yourself to get dragged into friends’ and classmates’ disagreements.

8.  Make fun memories.  “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”  (Ecclesiastes 3:1)  With your family, your friends, and your classmates enjoy this season and remember these stories that you’ll be telling your kids in 20 years!

What other advice do you have for a new high schooler?