My dear husband,

You’ve been married to a lot of women in the past 22 years….all of them me.

There was the new wife, teaching a room full of 1st graders, both of us educating children and learning how to be married.

Then came the pregnant months, carrying the baby we knew would never live, grieving and growing together.

I morphed into the “9-to-5” working wife with the office job, enjoying lunches downtown and battling traffic on the way home.

Then you woke up next to the new mom, so excited and uncertain of what she was doing.

The mom of two littles made it through the long days, holding it together until you got home each night.

Sending the girls off to school, helping with class parties, going on field trips filled the days until….

Homeschooling mom – who knew?!  It wasn’t in our plans, but it’s been our life these past few years.

And now you live with the mom of a teen and a pre-teen, trying to figure it all out as we go, recognizing the daily need for God’s wisdom and grace.

Before we know it, I’ll be the empty nester.

Yet you’ve loved all the women I’ve been.  You’ve always reassured me in my fears, listened to my rants, and kept me grounded.  You share in every joy and console in every sorrow.

You’ve lived with me and walked beside me and been more of a husband than I could ever have imagined.

I’m grateful.  And all of us – from the newlywed bride to the long-time wife – love you so very much.

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Does your mouth ever get you in trouble?

I confess that I’ve been convicted about this more than ever lately, especially in regards to my closest relationships – my husband and children.

In his book The Purpose and Power of Love and Marriage, Myles Munroe summarizes James’ advice in James 1:19-20 in this way.  “Listen first!  Don’t be in a hurry to talk, and even then be careful what you say and how you say it.  Don’t have a short fuse because explosive anger will only sabotage your spiritual growth.”

As I considered this passage, I discovered 4 principles I can apply as I seek to communicate effectively with my husband.

1.  Listen.  Actually listen to what he’s saying – not assume that I know what he’s going to say or interject what I want to say, but actually focus on hearing his words.  I also read in the book I referenced above that typically men say what they’re thinking while women say what they’re feeling.  I want to know what he’s thinking, so I need to listen with my full attention and all the way through until he’s finished speaking.

2.  Think before I speak.  Isn’t this age-old advice?!  Once I’ve finished listening, I need to weigh my response before I start talking.

3.  The way I speak can often be as important as the words themselves.  Am I using a pleasant tone?  What facial expression do I have?  Am I being sarcastic?  Do I look at him while we’re talking?

4.  Speaking in anger does not glorify God.  James 1:20 says, “For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”  How much better it is if we can ask God to help us respond with a “soft answer.”  [Proverbs 15:1]

I want to build my husband up with my words.  Now that I’ve written this post for today, I can guarantee you that I will be tempted to fail in communicating effectively with my family today!  How thankful I am that I have the Holy Spirit to help me in this area!

As in all of life, there are different seasons in marriage.  After 22 years, my husband and I are often treading familiar ground; yet each year also has us covering some new territory – trials and struggles and joys that we’ve not experienced before.  I’m sure this will continue as we grow older together.

So in this season, I want to remember these 10 things (though there’s more!) that I love about my husband.

1.  He listens to me vent.

2.  He indulges my love of sweets.  I never know when he might come home from work with a special treat for me!

3.  He’s a wise parent.

4.  He cuts the grass.  (True story – I have never in my life used a lawnmower.)

5.  He’s a giver, always very generous with the money he earns.

6.  He plays Uno on the living room floor with our girls.

7.  He’s always up for giving me an afternoon out by myself.

8.  He maintains all the vehicles.

9.  His faith is real.

10.  He makes me want to be a better person.

My guess is that your list would look different than mine.  Love between two people grows and matures through the years and each person in the relationship has their own strengths and weaknesses.  Yet together, with God as our center, we can be a real example of marital love to our children and to others.

Tell me something you love about your husband!

I’ve read that book on love languages.

It’s pretty good, I guess.

I’ve never quite figured out what mine is….but he has.

He first spoke it during our college summers when he filled my mailbox with letters and called me on a real, landline telephone every Sunday afternoon.

He’s held my hand in a crowd and our newborn daughters in his arms.  There’ve been unexpected flowers and more surprise desserts than I can count.

When my tongue’s gotten the best of me once again, he’s kept quiet.  When I’ve felt fear, he’s pushed me through.

The afternoon we attended his dad’s funeral, he drove long into the night to take us to my parents 50th wedding anniversary celebration the next day.

He embraces my traditions of walks on the beach and first-day-of-school presents and Christmas Eve dessert.  He calls if he’s running late, so I won’t worry.

He sits at our table and reads us the Bible and leads us in prayer.

He’s painted and hammered and cut grass and fixed washers, dryers, and dishwashers, and anything else that plugs into a wall.  He’s landscaped yards and built playsets and put bicycles together and hung countless pictures.

We’ve been to the beach and the mountains and the big city and we dream about the next place we’ll go together.

He’s worked hard and he’s worked long and it’s been for me and for us and for our girls.

So whatever my love language is, he speaks it well, – yes, he lives it, and I love him for it.

Tomorrow I’m blessed to celebrate twenty-two years of marriage with the one who speaks my love language!

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I am setting an example for my daughters every day.

This is true in many areas, but especially in the way I treat my husband.  By my words and actions, I show them my respect (or lack thereof) for him and the God-given position he has in our family.  Our girls will notice and treat him – and most likely their future husband – in a similar manner.

Here are three simple ways I’m seeking to set a right example of respect for my husband.

1.  Speak positively about him to my children, parents, friends, etc.  Yes, he does have faults, but the only person that needs to hear about those is the Lord when I pray.  I want to notice and praise his good qualities.

2.  Be totally honest with him in my words and actions.  I should participate in the same activities whether he’s at home or not.  Hiding a purchase so he won’t know how much I spent is not helpful to our relationship.  I want to live my life transparently before him.

3.  Trust his judgment.  My husband has helpful insight on many matters – especially our children – and his input is valuable.  When it comes to making decisions for our family, we discuss alternatives, then he ultimately has the final say.  I want to be supportive, not second-guessing him or whining about not getting my way, regardless of the outcome.

In what other ways can we show respect for our husbands?

Models of good marriages are books in clothes.  ~John Ensor in Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart

I want to live out a good, Godly marriage before our children.  As the above quote implies, our children can learn more about how a marriage works by watching how my husband and I interact than they can from reading about it in a book.

How can I live out a good marriage before my children?  Here are a few ideas I’m working on.

1.  Show respect in my words and actions.  This means not talking badly about him (either in his presence or when he’s not around), but using my words to build my husband up to our daughters.  Just as importantly, my attitudes and actions should demonstrate respect for his position as my husband.

2.  Selfless living.  I can put his needs ahead of my own.  This one hurts!  At the end of the day, in my flesh, I most want to please myself.  However, marriage is about sacrifice and loving someone else enough to put them first.

3.  Seek to have Holy Spirit-filled reactions.  Rather than responding in the flesh to things he says or does that I don’t like, I can take a minute to pray for wisdom in my response.  This reminds me of Proverbs 31:26, “She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.”  Rather than offer a quick retort or speak angry words, I can be calm and measured in my reaction.

One of my prayers for our daughters is that they would have happy, Christ-centered marriages.  It can be a help to them in the future if my husband and I are living out what that looks like in front of them now.

Do you have other ideas for how we can model good marriages to our children?

Psalm 16:6 says, “The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant places; yea, I have a goodly heritage.”  I have been blessed with Godly parents who love each other, their family, and their Savior.  Here are thoughts I shared at our celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary this past weekend.

Like many love stories, this
one could begin with “Once upon a time.” 
This “once-upon-a-time” tale began over fifty years ago.  As is typical, it brought together a handsome
young prince and a beautiful young princess.

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as
himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. ~Ephesians 5:33

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, reverence means “honor or respect felt or shown; deference, especially.”

I think reverencing my husband begins with my attitude.  It involves training my mind to think positive thoughts about my husband, refusing to dwell on the negatives.  Then it moves to actions as I look for ways to please and encourage him.

What are some practical ways that I can reverence my husband?  Here are just a few ideas.

• Meet his basic needs.  Fix his breakfast, pack his lunch, make meals that he likes.  Provide a neat and comfortable place for him to relax at the end of the day.
• Speak to him with words of encouragement and without nagging.  Learn when it’s best not to say anything at all.
• Ask for his opinion and be willing to accept and follow through on his advice.
• Praise him in front of the children.  Let them know that he is a good man, a good father, a good provider.
• Defer to his wishes.  If he likes things done a certain way, do them that way rather than persist in doing what I think is best.

Am I to reverence my husband only if he treats me perfectly?  No.  That would be easy to do in my human effort.  It is when, in my flesh, I want to put myself first, but instead yield to the Holy Spirit and give my husband preference, that I can see God’s hand at work in my marriage.

Can you think of some other ways that we might reverence our husbands?

I am married to an amazing man.

Several years ago, after reading the book The Dream Manager, my husband and I each made a list of 100 things we’d like to accomplish during our lives.  The lists include spiritual, financial, family, and personal goals.

Friday was our 21st wedding anniversary.  My husband totally surprised me by arranging for our daughters to spend the night with friends and then fulfilling one of my dreams.  There is a classic hotel downtown that I’ve admired for years – and staying there for a night was on my list of things I’d like to do.

View through the balcony door

Sitting Area

Our lovely king-sized bed

We had a wonderful time, eating at a nice restaurant, then strolling the streets and walking through the market before having dessert.  It was a dream come true. 

Yet an even bigger dream being realized is this relationship that I’m in.  Trust me – it’s not perfect.  We still have our moments, and I know that I am not always easy to live with.  I tend to think I’m always right and so often want things my own way.  Marriage takes work every single day.

I know that I have been blessed, but I can’t rest on the past twenty-one years we’ve shared.  I want to make our future years together all that they can be, to be a blessing to my husband and to honor God through our marriage.

Whether you’re a newlywed or have been married for awhile, we can all choose today to lift up our husbands in prayer, find ways to admire them and show them our love, and do our best to fulfill our calling as a wife.