I’m always looking for a good marriage or parenting book to read.  I like books that give me new ideas for improving those relationships, or books that present ideas I already know in a different way.  I don’t want to get sloppy or neglectful in the way I treat my family, but hope to be constantly growing in my love for and service to them.

As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t keep a lot of books anymore.  (But don’t worry – the rest of the family still keeps our bookshelves plenty full! 😉  Only my favorites – those that I’m confident I’d want to re-read or share with someone else – take up shelf space these days.  That’s a good thing, because it made narrowing down my list fairly easy.  For now, these five titles are the best marriage books I’ve read.

 
1.  The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages by Shaunti Feldhahn.  While I’m reluctant to actually pick a favorite title, this one would definitely be near the top of the list.  It’s a more recent read for me, and while it’s certainly applicable in any stage of marriage, I found it particularly helpful in my “20+ years of marriage” state.  It caused me to reevaluate certain areas of my marriage where I’d grown comfortable and showed me some things that I needed to work on.  Shaunti combines her research on the topic with practical ways to live out her findings in your marriage.  You can read my full review of this book here.

2.  The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie OMartian.  I’ve read this book a number of times throughout our marriage, and always come away with a renewed commitment to cover every area of my husband’s life in prayer.  I like how Stormie breaks the book down into thirty brief chapters, each applying to an area of our man’s life, such as his work, his mind, his health, his choices, etc.  It would be easy to use this book as a guide to pray for one of these areas each day of the month.  She also includes helpful sample prayers at the end of each chapter.  I’ve underlined portions of those prayers so that I can use that wording myself when I pray.

3.  For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn.  Yes, it’s another book by Shaunti, but it’s in a little different vein than number one.  Here she shares interesting insights – again, based on in-depth research – into the thought lives of men, and how their thoughts affect they way they act.  This would be a very helpful read for a newlywed, though I found plenty to ponder in it as well.  I think the first book on this list has more in the way of practical tips, whereas this book opens up our understanding of what might be going on in our husband’s head in different life situations.

4.  Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. This marriage book comes highly recommended, and I like how the author does a deep dive into the most basic needs of a husband and wife. Eggerichs includes thorough advice for staying out of the “crazy cycle” that we sometimes fall into when we fail to communicate properly with each other.  Read a previous review I did of this book here.

5.  His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley, Jr.  I believe I got this book in college – it’s a classic!  While Eggerichs’ book above focuses on the major need of a husband and wife, this one gives a broader view of many of the issues we face in our marriages.  This is another book that I think would particularly benefit those in the early stages of marriage, though, again, it has something to teach us all.

Have you read any of these yourself?  What’s your favorite marriage book?

(This post contains affiliate links, which means that if you click on one of the product links and make a purchase, I’ll receive a small percentage from any sales.  This does not affect your price in any way.)

Related posts:
7 Ways to Let Your Husband Know You Love Him
3 Ways We Can Invest in Our Marriage
How to Drive Your Husband Away

We spent three days in Quebec City last week celebrating our 25th anniversary.

25 years ago today, I began the adventure of a lifetime.

When I look back at the pictures from our wedding day, I’m amazed at how young we looked.  We had no clue what we were getting into, but we loved each other and were excited about beginning a life together.

In anticipation of our anniversary, I started writing a list of 25 things I’ve learned in 25 years of marriage, but I’m so wordy that a post with that title would have been way too long to hold anyone’s interest!  Then I thought I’d narrow it down to five things I’ve learned, but in all honesty, I feel like I’m still learning on a daily basis how to do this marriage thing right.

I know that God has used marriage to change me, to refine me.  I know that without Him, some of the hard days we’ve faced could have torn us apart instead of drawing us closer together.

My husband is still my best friend, and the person I most want to spend time with.  He knows how self-centered I can be, but he still loves me.  He adds common sense to my crazy, a fun spirit to our family, and wisdom to our parenting.

So we’re celebrating a milestone today.  Just as we had no clue on that hot summer afternoon what the next 25 years would hold, so we’re clueless again about the path our lives will take in the coming days.  But I’m blessed and thankful to start the next 25 years of marriage tomorrow, to see what adventures lie ahead, to continue to grow and learn and dream with the man I love.

In the beginning, we stepped on each others’ toes….a lot.

And while our technique’s still not perfect, I believe we’ve learned a little bit about marriage.

It’s the back and forth, the give and take, him leading while I follow.  It’s getting comfortable with the rhythms of life, anticipating how the other one will respond, and learning to overlook the little missteps.

How could I have known that nearly 25 years into married life I’d still mess up so often and say the wrong thing, that there would still be moments of my cringe-worthy selfishness tripping us up?

And who knew how much I’d admire him, wonder at his wisdom as we parent our teenagers, appreciate his leadership of our family, respect the depth of his character, which has never come into question.  It’s focusing on these things that smooths out our steps, brings us back into unity.

The dailiness of marriage isn’t always easy.  There’s baggage from the past and pride in the present; there’s “I know best” and nagging and disagreements.  But there’s also morning hugs and goodbye kisses and funny moments and shared hopes and dreams.  There’s someone to hold you through life losses and soul-rending heartaches and surgeries and illnesses.

So where did it all go right?  It was on that cloudy summer day, when I accepted my partner’s hand, we stepped out into married life, and our two hearts committed to finishing the dance together.

To my wonderful husband, an early Happy Valentine’s Day!  I love you!!

Source

Whether it’s a hobby that we enjoy or a cause that we’re passionate about, we tend to invest time and money in those things that mean a lot to us.

So, if we want our marriage to be a rich relationship that strengthens and nourishes us and our spouse, we have to put the best of ourselves into it.

In his book What Did You Expect?  Redeeming the Realities of Marriage, Paul David Tripp shares the following.

“An argumentative moment is an investment in the treasure of being right, and from it you will get some kind of relational return.  If you aggressively argue your spouse into a corner, it is not likely that the return on that investment will be [his] appreciation for you and a desire to have one of those conversations again!  If you invest in the treasure of willing service, you will experience the return of appreciation, respect, and a greater friendship intimacy in your marriage.  If it is more valuable to have your house immaculately clean than it is for your partner to be comfortable, then you will live with the return of that in the quality of your relationship.”

(Why did he have to include that last sentence?  I have definitely fallen prey to that example!)

If I want to get a good return in my marriage, to have that prime, loving relationship with my husband, what do I need to invest in my marriage?  Here are three ideas.

Thoughtfulness.  This includes doing the little things that I know will make him happy, anticipating his needs, and even thinking of and praying for him throughout the day.

Gratitude.  From working hard at his job to repairing things around the house to sharing parenting responsibilities, my husband does so much for our family.  If I’m ever tempted to be irritated at something he does – or doesn’t – do, I need to mentally revisit all the ways he blesses us.  It’s also good to express that thankfulness, either verbally, in a note, or just in the attitude I display toward him.

Grace.  We are two sinners living together.  I say things I don’t mean, I want my own way, and forget to do things I said I would do.  (And that’s the short list!)  I need grace.  If I want that grace extended to me, how can I not extend that same grace to him?  If he has a hard day or has an impatient moment or doesn’t meet my expectations, I must give him grace.

What are other ways we can invest in our marriage?

It was twenty-four years ago today that we said, “I do.”

An overcast, slightly drizzly day, filled with the colors of baby-blue bridesmaid dresses, bow ties, and cummerbunds; the gold church pews; the white reception tents on the green grass outside the brick church building.  The faces were those of grandparents now passed on to heaven, dad conducting our ceremony, mom as mistress of ceremonies, brothers, sisters, extended family, friends, dear ladies of the church presiding at our reception.

The scene changes to that first two-bedroom townhouse apartment nearly devoid of furniture, first blue two-door Honda hatchback, first jobs, first fights.  We navigated the hills and valleys of married life, from your serious illness to the loss of our baby, job changes to the joys of children born strong and healthy, a move to North Carolina and back.

All that has brought us to what is.  You and I, parents of a teen and tween, navigating new waters nearly every week.  We’re not as fit as we used to be, our bodies speaking in occasional creaks and groans, responding more slowly than in those “what was” years.  The wrinkles and laugh lines have appeared, the hair color has changed, the eyesight’s not what it once was.  The outside of our love may look different, but the inside love has grown and flourished and strengthened over the years.

God willing, that love will carry us through what is to come.  In my mind’s eye, I see the excitement of high school graduation and college days for our daughters, their weddings, our grandchildren.  I feel you holding my hand through difficult partings, physical failings, and life’s ever unexpected moments.

My prayer for what is to come goes something like this.

Dear God, Grow us ever into Your image.  May the love we share be an example to our children and a blessing to others because it comes from You.  Knit our hearts even more tightly together.  Give us the grace to face what the coming years bring and the strength to carry out your perfect will for us as a couple.  Thank you for the home You began twenty-four years ago, and may we glorify You through whatever the future holds.

Happy anniversary, my dear sweetheart!

Whether you’re an introvert married to an extrovert or a chronic clock watcher married to a procrastinator, there are probably a number of personality differences between you and your spouse.

On days when we’re wishing our husband or wife was more like ourselves, perhaps these three truths can bring some perspective to the situation.

Source

1.  Accept the differences in your personalities.  Don’t try to change your spouse, but recognize that God made him/her that way.  Pray for any weaknesses and encourage your husband or wife in their strengths.

2.  With God’s help, your personalities can complement each other and bless many.  Qualities that your husband or wife has can cause you to become a better person.  The two of you together make a unique couple, so pray that God will use you, with your different personalities, to minister to others.

3.  If you look for the positives in your differences, you’ll find them; if you look for the negatives, you’ll find those, too.  Learn to love and embrace the differences between you!  One area in which I’m finding this helpful is in parenting.  My husband often has a better place from which to interact with our daughters based on how his personality connects with theirs.

How thankful I am that God put my husband and I – each with our own distinct personalities –  together in our own special relationship!

Source

I’m not an expert on marriage or money, but I know that the husband/wife relationship runs more smoothly when both people are in agreement on how to handle their finances.

Here are three truths I’m learning about how money works best in our marriage.

1.  Both partners should know what’s going on with the finances.  There’s no hiding shopping bags under the bed or a surprise purchase sitting in the garage.  Obviously this might exclude Christmas/birthday gifts, but even that works best for us when there’s a general expectation of how much will be spent.  We’ve found that doing a monthly budget works well for us; then we know ahead of time where the money will be going and it helps us limit overspending.  One spouse may deal more directly with the daily handling of the money, but it’s helpful when both have at least a general overview of where the money is going.

2.  It’s all “our” money.  Right now, my husband is the sole breadwinner in the family.  However, he never makes me feel that it’s “his” money; it’s always been shared, even down to the decisions on how it will be spent.  Yes, sometimes it feels weird when I’m buying his birthday present with money he earned himself, but that’s okay in this season.

3.  Working together toward a shared financial goal builds great unity in a marriage.  At the beginning of each year, we sit down together and write out a list of financial goals for the next twelve months.  It gives us direction for where our money is going and helps us delineate our priorities and dreams for our family’s spending, saving, and giving.  Whether it’s paying off debt, saving for a vacation, or giving to a missionary need, sharing the vision lets us encourage and help one another to reach the goal.

What other truths about money work in your marriage?

Love isn’t all Hallmark moments (the cards or the movies!), but having a loving marriage is one of the most fulfilling relationships we can have.

Here are three truths I’m learning about love and marriage.

Source

1.  If it’s cultivated, love grows.  It’s been over 23 years since we stood at the marriage altar.  I really loved my husband that day, but the love I have for him now is so much deeper and richer than it was back then.  I know more about him – his character, his strengths, his weaknesses – and with that knowledge has come a greater appreciation for him.  Doing life together means working through disagreements, planning for our future, sharing disappointments, and having fun together, which are just some of the elements that have helped our love grow.

2.  Love is so much more than a feeling.  That mushy, romantic, emotional feeling – while it has its place! – isn’t what keeps you going when you deal with a job loss or sit beside your husband before a surgery or grieve together over the loss of a loved one.  That love is full of dedication and commitment, a decision of the soul to be there for each other no matter what.

3.  Love takes work.  Love isn’t easy; it can be messy and involves the hard work of self-sacrifice.  It’s a daily action of putting my husband’s needs ahead of mine (or at least trying to) and working together for what’s best for both of us.

What other truths are you learning about love and marriage?

“Having a successful marriage is not about finding the perfect person to marry….It is about loving someone in a forgiving, Christlike manner.” ~Rick Johnson in Becoming Your Spouse’s Better Half

Source

 What is it like being married to me? 

Have you ever wondered that, considered how your spouse might look at being married to you?  I’m afraid that often I’m too busy thinking of some little thing my husband may have done that bothered me to consider all of the things I’m sure I’ve said and done to irritate him!

Let’s face it; neither person in a marriage is perfect.  But what marriage teaches us to do – perhaps better than any other relationship in our lives – is to love someone like Christ loves us.  We come to know our spouse better than anyone else on the planet and on any given day we can find something about them that we don’t like.  Yet we have a choice – to focus on what we don’t like in the other person or to love them in spite of it.

The love described in I Corinthians 13 doesn’t come easily or from our own flesh, but through the power of the Holy Spirit.  Patient, kind, long suffering, hopeful, unselfish love is only brought about through surrendering our own will to the One who loves perfectly and can do the same through us.

Love isn’t conditional.  I don’t love my husband because he brings me a piece of coconut cake from our favorite bakery or gives me a bouquet of roses.  I love him because of who he is and because I made a commitment on our wedding day to love and honor him till death do us part.

If I’m going to love like Christ, that’s going to sometimes mean sacrifice.  I can follow my husband’s lead, go where he wants to go, choose what he wants when it clashes with what I want, and do it with a joyful spirit, not begrudgingly.  That, my friends – that loving, gracious, selfless attitude – is where I find myself struggling so frequently.

Honestly, my husband is better at showing this Christlike love in our marriage than I am, but I want to do better!  May God continue to do a work in my heart that I might reflect His love in our marriage.