Love Archives - Girls To Grow

10 Keys to Having a Good Marriage That Lasts

October 5, 2022 by Tracey 5 Comments

Welcome to the blog today, friends! I hope you’re having a taste of beautiful fall weather like we are here in coastal South Carolina.

My husband and I just enjoyed a three-day weekend in Savannah, GA. It’s an easy two-and-a-half-hour drive from our house, perfect for a little getaway. We ate some good food (including taking a food tour around several of the squares, which we’d never done before – it was fun!), shopped, and walked around the city.

After 31 years of marriage, my husband is still the person I most enjoy spending time with. That doesn’t mean we don’t have our disagreements. But we’re committed to making our relationship work.

When it comes to long-lasting marriages, I like this quote from Amy Bloom.

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.

Today I’m sharing ten things we can do to have a good marriage that lasts.

Check out this list of ten things husbands and wives can do to have a good marriage that lasts for a lifetime.

1. Pray for your spouse.

You know their weaknesses and strengths. Hopefully, you know better than anyone else what’s going on in their daily lives. So take their needs to God in prayer. Intercede for them.

Ask God for his blessing and favor in their life. Pray for victory over temptation, for their relationships, for spiritual growth. (You can read more about this in 5 Ways to Pray for Your Husband.)

2. Forgive quickly.

When an argument is over or when your feelings have been hurt, forgive quickly. Don’t hold a grudge or let bitterness seep in.

And leave whatever caused the conflict in the past. Don’t bring it up again later.

3. Overlook the minor annoyances.

There are probably some things that you wish your spouse would do differently. Perhaps it’s just because they don’t do it the same way you do! Maybe you don’t like how they fold the towels or put their bag of snacks back in the pantry.

Decide that you’re not going to nag. If something really needs to be addressed, do it calmly, at a good time, and in a non-confrontational way. But if it truly is no big deal, give a little grace and overlook it.

4. Serve your spouse as you would serve Christ.

This one can give us pause, can’t it? Do we serve our spouse with the same attitude that we would serve Jesus if He were in our home?

We can bless our spouses when we choose to serve them with meekness and humility. Then our service becomes a blessing to them and to us!

5. Give up the right to be right.

My personality type wants to be right all the time so this one is hard for me. But you know what? I’m wrong fairly often.

But there are other times when I’m right and he’s wrong. And honestly, who cares? Are we keeping score? Not if we want a healthy relationship. So maybe I don’t need to point out when I’m right, but rather let the moment pass and be thankful for my husband.

6. Don’t think you’re so easy to be married to.

It’s fairly easy to see our spouse’s faults, and often a lot harder to see our own. Maybe we see ourselves as the perfect marriage partner. But if we’re honest with ourselves, I daresay we’ll find plenty of areas where our spouse has to exercise patience with us!

7. Don’t talk negatively about your spouse to other people.

There’s no profit in airing your grievances about your spouse behind his back – not to your mom, your sister, or your best friend. Can you ask for wise counsel or advice about your marriage from someone you trust? Of course! But complaining about our spouse doesn’t solve anything.

8. Find things to do together.

While there were many downsides to the pandemic, one upside was that my husband and I would do something outside together every week. We found some new places around town to walk or hike. Other options could be trying a new hobby together or taking lessons of some sort.

9. Keep your children in their proper place of priority.

We truly enjoyed the years of having our children at home. Family time was wonderful! But now that they’re away from home much of the time, I’m so glad my husband and I didn’t fall out of touch with each other.

Date nights worked in some seasons, but there were times we just didn’t fit them in on a regular basis. But what we did do was make it a priority to talk and connect regularly, even in the midst of those busy parenting years.

10. Laugh together.

Life is serious. But sharing something funny helps in lots of situations. As the old saying goes, “Laughter is the best medicine.”

If you have other tips for having good marriages that last, please share them in the comments!

Related posts:

How a Wise Woman Treats Her Husband

February 9, 2022 by Tracey 4 Comments

Welcome to the blog today! A couple of weeks ago, I heard someone say that it’s been a “wintry winter.” I would have to agree, based on my own weather experience here as well as the amount due on our natural gas bill!

Call it a Hallmark holiday if you want, but we all know Valentine’s Day is coming up on Monday. My husband and I don’t typically do cards or gifts for each other, but we’ll go out for a nice meal a night or two before. (We’ve found restaurants way too crowded on actual Valentine’s Day.) Then on February 14th, we’ll either make a nice meal at home or my husband will pick up a to-go order for us from a favorite restaurant.

Since there’s a lot of talk about love and relationships this month, I wanted to share posts this week and next related to marriage. We’ve been married for 30 years, but I still have a lot of room for growth when it comes to being a wise wife. Learning how to treat our husbands well is a journey and we grow in wisdom and understanding along the way.

I’m on the empty nest side of things, but you may be a newlywed, in the throes of parenting young kids or enjoying your grandchildren. Regardless, I think these five things can be a reminder to all of us of how we can be wise wives who treat their husbands well.

We're looking at five things a wise wife can do to treat her husband well.

1. She is worthy of his trust.

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. ~Proverbs 31:11

A wise wife doesn’t buy things at the store then hide the bags under the bed so he won’t see them. She’s honest and upfront about where she goes and what she does. She follows through on what she says she will do.

I like this quote from Peter Lerangis. “Trust is a fragile thing. Easy to break, easy to lose and one of the hardest things to ever get back.” Let’s earn our husband’s trust by being women of character and then treasure that trust so we won’t do anything to lose it.

2. She chooses not to argue with him.

It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman and in a wide house. ~Proverbs 25:23

It’s not that a wise wife couldn’t argue with her husband. There are certainly times when she might be right and could win the argument. But is that really a “win?”

Instead, she chooses not to argue. Are there times to speak up and explain your side of things? Of course! But not every issue has to be fought through or argued about.

3. She yields to his decisions when they disagree…with a sweet attitude.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. ~Ephesians 5:22

You didn’t think we’d get through this post without the “s” word, did you? We know that being wise means obeying God’s Word. Therefore, as wives, when we disagree with our husbands and there’s no acceptable compromise, we need to accept his decision.

Admittedly, this is much easier if we sense that our husband is truly seeking to follow God. But ultimately that’s not our call. He will answer to God for his decision. And if we submit but then don’t speak to him for three days, we might call that following the letter of the law but not the spirit of it. This isn’t easy! It may take some extra time in prayer sincerely asking the Holy Spirit to help us in this area.

4. She prays for him.

For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding; ~Colossians 1:9

Pray specifically. As much as you can, know what’s going on in your husband’s work life and in his relationships. If you want some ideas on praying for him, you can read 5 Ways to Pray for Your Husband.

5. She speaks words of life and encouragement to him.

Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. ~Ephesians 4:29

I wish all the words I speak to my husband were classified as “ministering grace to him.” Unfortunately, that’s not always true. It’s easy to nag him or to let words of accusation or bitterness fly. A wise wife seeks God’s help to control her tongue and uses spoken and written words to bless her husband.

Finally, I’ll give a bonus suggestion that I don’t have a Bible verse for, but has been helpful to me.

She doesn’t burden her husband with unspoken expectations.

There’s a quote from Barry Schwartz that says, “The secret to happiness is low expectations.” Now I think there are a lot deeper things that we could label as the secret to happiness, but there’s some truth in his statement. If you want Valentine’s Day – or any other day! – to look a certain way, tell your husband. Don’t expect him to read your mind and then be disappointed when he doesn’t.

Please share in the comments if you have other ideas of ways we can be wise wives. I trust that God will help each one of us honor Him as we treat our husbands well!

Related posts:

5 Common Enemies of a Good Marriage

September 16, 2020 by Tracey 3 Comments

Recently I sent a poll to my email subscribers about content they’d like to see here on the blog. (If you’d like to sign up for my twice-weekly e-mails, click here.) One question asked what topics people would be interested in reading more about. Marriage was one answer that came up.

Honestly, it scares me to write about marriage. I don’t do it often, because I’ve learned the hard way that it practically invites some type of disagreement with my husband within the next 24 hours!

But in order to accommodate the reader who submitted that answer, I’m taking the chance! I’ve been married to my husband for 29 years, but I still feel like I have so much room to grow in this area. I’m definitely no marriage expert, but I will share a few things I’ve learned.

We all want to have good marriages, but sometimes things get in the way. Today I’m listing five enemies of a good marriage and how to fight against them. Hopefully, if we’re aware of them, we can avoid letting these enemies sneak into our relationships.

We need to watch out for these five things that can cause difficulty in our marriage.

1. Selfishness.

Who doesn’t want their own way? It’s natural to be selfish and to think we’re always right. We may start married life trying to change our spouse to fit the mold we imagine for them. None of us want to see ourselves as selfish, but we need to be willing to evaluate our actions and attitudes.

Romans 12:10 tells us to “Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another.” Am I choosing to honor my spouse or is everything always about me? Selfishness elevates my wants and desires above anything else.

How to fight it:

Put a need of his ahead of your own. Make his coffee before you make your own. Take care of a task he needs to have done and put yours off till later. Maybe even ask if there’s anything you can do for him today.

When a conflict arises, put yourself in his shoes. Have you tried to see the situation from his side? What might be causing him to react so strongly? A little empathy goes a long way.

2. Impatience.

We are all a work in progress. Our spouses have areas in which they need to mature…and so do we. It takes time for us to grow. I’d like to think that I’m a better person than the woman my husband married at 22!

1 Corinthians 13:4 tells us that love “suffers long and is kind.” Be patient with your spouse. It was eye-opening to me when I read Linda Dillow’s book What’s It Like to Be Married to Me? What kind of question is that??? Of course, it’s great to be married to me (ha!) But it made me realize that being married to me is not a piece of cake. We want our spouse to be patient with us, so we should do the same for them.

How to fight it:

Pray for your spouse every day. We’re not asking God to change him into exactly what we think he should be, but for His Holy Spirit to grow our spouse in their spiritual walk.

Slow down. Don’t be in such a hurry to accomplish something that you run roughshod over your spouse and his opinion.

3. Neglect.

Neglect is a sneaky enemy because it happens when we just don’t pay attention. We’re caught up in good things – the kids, work, a busy schedule, ministry, keeping up with stuff around the house – and we don’t make connecting with our spouse a priority.

How to fight it:

Listen. Give him your undivided attention when he’s talking. Focus on what he’s saying, and respond positively.

Make time for each other on a regular basis. We didn’t do regularly scheduled date nights when our girls were young, though it’s a great idea if it works for you. But we did make time daily to catch up with what was going on in each other’s lives. That sometimes meant a phone call when he was on his way home from work, or just sitting on the couch to talk after the kids were in bed.

4. A critical spirit.

Isn’t it easy to focus on the negative?? “My husband drives me crazy when he ______.” If we’re looking for everything our spouse does wrong – or just not the way we would do it – we’re going to find it.

Ephesians 4:2 reminds us, “With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love.” Sometimes our facial expressions or the tone we use when talking to our spouse can convey disrespect or disgust. Over time, those seemingly simple offenses can do damage to our marriage.

How to fight it:

Let one thing go every day. Don’t comment on the cabinet door he left open or the shirt he didn’t hang up or how he forgot to get milk at the grocery store. Just don’t. say. anything.

If you journal, write down one thing you appreciate about him every day. It could be as simple as “he wiped off his shoes before he walked in the house.” This exercise helps us to look for his positive actions and qualities.

5. Unforgiveness.

It can be a little thing that you allow to fester. He may not even know it’s an issue, but you clutch it to your heart and relive it in your mind. Let it go. Otherwise, you’re inviting bitterness into the relationship.

“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” ~Colossians 3:13

How to fight it:

Say “thank you” to your husband at least once a day. This only takes a few seconds, but you do have to be paying attention. You have to notice what he’s doing that’s blessing you.

Let go of the past. Directly address whatever the issue is, and then move on. What’s done is done, so start fresh.

May we all be aware of these enemies and fight against them so that our marriages can thrive!

Related posts:

7 Tips for Staying Connected With Your Husband So You’ll Still Know Him When the Kids Are Gone

March 27, 2019 by Tracey 6 Comments

Over breakfast earlier this week, a friend and I were talking about how the seasons of our lives are changing.

‘Cause it’s getting real, y’all.

As of today, there’s just 45 school days left until my older daughter graduates from high school.

But this post – and my conversation with my friend – isn’t about our children. It’s actually about our relationships with our husbands.

My husband and I were married almost ten years before our older daughter was born. Once she leaves for college this fall, we’ll have two more years until our younger daughter leaves home. Combined we’ll have had twenty years with kids in our home full-time. But, depending on the Lord’s plans, we could have at least that many years ahead of us without them here.

As a wife, I’ve heard lots of advice about scheduling regular date nights and making sure you put your marriage relationship ahead of your kids. That all sounded good, but wasn’t always doable. Yet now that the reality of our children leaving home is here, I’m realizing how prudent that advice really is.

What I’m trying to say is that here’s what I would tell the thirty-year-old version of myself.

Let your children add to your life together, don’t let them take it over.

There are certainly times, especially during those newborn days, when your child needs so much of your focus. But those intense seasons shouldn’t stretch on for months and years.

I know I haven’t always done my best with this. I’m sure that on occasion I’ve given more attention to the kids than to him.

So if you’re in the thick of parenting little kids I get it. I’ve been there, too. And while older moms like me say that it will end one day, you’re actually wondering if it really will!

Staying connected with your husband just feels like one more thing you have to do and you don’t know how to fit that into your day.

But as often as you can, do something, no matter how small, to stay connected. Here are some ideas.

1. Pray for him.

If you know he’s dealing with a difficult customer or has an important meeting today, take a minute to pray for him. Set an alarm on your phone so you won’t forget.

2. Say one encouraging thing to him.

Thank him for taking out the trash or getting up with the baby in the middle of the night. Make a point of noticing what he does.

3. Write him a short love note or text him a thank you.

Yes, it’s a hard job being home alone with little kids every day or driving umpteen thousand miles to take them to soccer practice or being a mom who works outside the home. But it’s not like he’s on a relaxing vacation every day at his job! Make a quick connection with him during the day and let him know you love and appreciate him.

4. Find one thing to talk about that doesn’t involve the kids.

If you’re like us, many of our conversations revolve around our kids. And that’s natural. But make an effort to talk about other things that interest the two of you. It could be a sports story or a news headline or something related to his field of work.

5. Ask his advice about something. And listen to what he has to say.

My husband has so much wisdom. He often sees things through a different lens than I do. Whether it’s resolving a problem with one of our children or talking me down after a rant, it’s helpful to hear his opinion on things.

6. Respect his opinion when he gives it.

Sometimes if this is related to our kids, we may subconsciously think, “I’m the mom and I know best.” Wrong. Don’t write off his opinion. Seriously consider what he has to say.

7. Talk and dream about your future together.

This might be my favorite tip! No matter what stage you’re in, begin planning for your future. Want to attend a cooking class together? Go on a couples retreat? Take a special vacation with just the two of you? Begin anticipating what that new phase of life will look like.

We’ve never been the type to have regularly scheduled date nights. We fit them in as we could when our girls were little. And we’ve had a lifetime of fun watching them grow up, cheering them on at their basketball games, and taking them on trips.

But then one day your kids can stay home by themselves without a babysitter, and a whole new world opens up to you! Admittedly that’s about the time their ballgames and piano recitals and band concerts take over all your evenings, but at least there’s the possibility of easy date nights!

Regardless, I think we’ve made it a priority to stay connected. Now you can ask my husband – I haven’t done this perfectly by any means! But I am anticipating these years ahead when it’s just the two of us together again.

How do you stay connected with your spouse? Let me know in the comments!

5 Ways to Pray for Your Husband

February 13, 2018 by Tracey 8 Comments

My Valentine and I at the Grand Canyon last summer!

It’s Valentine’s Day Eve. ‘Tis the season to take a little time to appreciate our sweethearts, and let them know how much we love them!

And while there are many things we can do to bless our husbands, one of the best ones ties in to what I’m emphasizing in my own life in 2018 – praying for them on a regular basis.

I’ve read through Stormie Omartian’s book The Power of a Praying Wife several times. It always reminds me of how effective prayer can be in my husband’s life – and convicts me about spending more time praying for him!

I still use my monthly family prayer list to write out specific needs I want to cover for all my family members each month. However, I also consider these five key areas as I pray for my husband.

1. Pray for his purity.

Every day our men are bombarded with words, pictures, and scenes that can tempt them to have wrong thoughts. I’m obviously not a man, so I’m sure I can’t even begin to understand how their mind works in relation to these struggles. But I know that Satan would love to destroy a man who is seeking to live for God. I like to pray the words from the Lord’s prayer, “lead [him] not into temptation, but deliver [him] from evil.” (Matthew 6:13)

2. Pray for his walk with God.

If you’re married to an unsaved man, you’d begin by praying for his salvation. If our husbands know Christ as their Savior, we can pray that they will grow in their faith, and that their hearts will be tender to the conviction of the Holy Spirit.

3. Pray for his relationships.

Many men have a boss, co-workers, friends, and, of course, their children that they come into contact with every day! We can ask God to bless these relationships, to give our husbands friends who are honorable Christian men who will encourage him in his walk with God. Pray for him as a father, that he will develop strong, sweet relationships with his children.

4. Pray for wisdom.

Most of our husbands probably make many decisions every day. Yes, we need to pray for those big ones like job changes or major purchases! But let’s also remember the small ones. Every choice, every decision leads somewhere.

5. Pray for his future.

Many of our men have big dreams. Pray that they will seek God’s guidance in their careers and their ministries. We can ask God to lead our husbands in the way He would have them to go, and to make His path clear to them.

As wives, we can truly bless our husbands as we pray for them!

Thank you, dear God, for the husband you’ve given me. He’s a man of character who works hard to support his family. I pray that you would keep his mind and his thoughts pure today. Guard his eyes and his ears; build a hedge about him, and keep him from temptation.

Thank you that he desires to walk with you. Encourage him in his faith today. Open doors of opportunity, and grant him boldness to share his faith with those around him. Give him strong friendships with men who will inspire him. Help him continue to be a great dad to our girls.

Bless him with wisdom for every decision he faces today. Help him to see the long-term consequences, and give him peace about the correct decision to make. As he looks toward the future, let him have hopes and dreams to work toward. Show him Your will each and every day, and give him the strength to follow wherever You may lead.

3 Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage

February 2, 2018 by Tracey 3 Comments

I always have just the slightest bit of hesitation when I sit down to write a blog post about marriage.

It’s not because my marriage isn’t great or because my husband and I aren’t getting along. I just know from past experience that if I write something about marriage, it’s like I’m inviting a “difference of opinion” with my husband sometime in the next 24 hours. But I had a few thoughts I wanted to share about building up our marriages, so maybe we’ll defy the odds this time!

Perhaps my thoughts strayed this way because we just entered a month focused on love and Valentine’s Day. Or maybe it’s because I see our daughters growing up before my eyes, and realize that I need to step up the praying for their future spouses! Either way, I came up with three things that I think can help us strengthen our marriages. (I’m sure there’s a lot more than three, but I figured that was enough for today!)

1. Pray together.

There’s no better way to build up your marriage than by being on the same page spiritually. Having a spouse you can share burdens and struggles with – and knowing he/she will pray for you – is truly a gift.

I don’t think this idea necessarily means you have to physically pray together all the time. But it does mean that your hearts are joined in asking God for His blessings on your life. You’re also seeking Him together about meeting needs, whether it’s a financial obligation, guidance for parenting your children, wisdom about upcoming decisions, etc.

2. Play together.

There’s lots of room for personal application with this one! True confession: I’m not a big adventure taker. So cliff diving or even roller-coaster riding would not fit into this category for me. But if that’s your thing, as my teenage daughter says, “You do you!” (And let me say that my husband is an adventurer, so some of our “playing” involves me watching him do those riskier things!)

My husband and I both enjoy getting outside and finding trails to hike and, especially if we’re out-of-town, pretty areas of the country to explore. You can determine what “play” means for your relationship. It could be a game of tennis, a walk on the beach, a day trip to a nearby town, or a rousing game of miniature golf. What you do is not as important as just taking time to relax and be together.

3. Dream together.

What dreams does your husband have for his job, for his ministry, for retirement? What hobbies does he want to have more time for?

This is going to look quite different in each season of life. When you have small children, a lot of dreams center around how you’re going to build, grow, and enjoy your family. But when, like us, your kids hit those teenage years, you start to realize that there’s life after basketball games and school plays and piano recitals. Your dreams take on a new look.

Maybe there are more opportunities to travel or time to attend a class you’ve wanted to take. But no matter what stage of life you’re in, dream together. Set goals and plan activities that you can look forward to together.

We’ve been married for 26 years, and there’s no one I’d rather pray, play or dream with than my husband! May God continue to knit our hearts together with our spouse’s, and bless us with marriages that bring Him glory.

How to Have Peace in Your Home

June 28, 2017 by Tracey 4 Comments

With our daughters away at camp this week, my husband and I are getting some good one-on-one time together. We went on a date Monday night, and used a gift card we had to eat at Blossom Cafe. The food was delicious!

We’ll be celebrating our 26th anniversary next month. I’ve been thinking lately about how easy it is to become complacent in our marriages. Since I always want to be challenging myself to grow in that relationship, I started reading Gary Thomas’ book Cherish. I’m about halfway through, and have enjoyed learning ways to show my husband that I cherish him.

I also came across this quote (which I’ve shared before, but wanted to revisit) this week.

“I have come to believe that the two most potent peace-killers are the need to be right and the need to assess blame.” ~Donna Otto in Finding Your Purpose as Mom

How often, especially in my marriage relationship, do I feel the need to do one of those two things? Sadly, it is often over small, insignificant matters.

Let’s look at the first peace-killer as it applies to marriage.

Am I willing to get into an argument just to prove that I’m right about something? I’ll let you know that my personality type is such that I don’t like to be wrong (or maybe everybody’s that way?!!) I’m a perfectionist, and tend to think I’m always right. (Yes, I need a reality check.)

I hope I’ve learned over the course of the years that being right is less important than maintaining a loving spirit in the relationship. Even if I think (or know) that I’m right about something, does it really matter? Do I need to dogmatically defend myself just to prove that the story I shared was accurate? Do I need to show him the e-mail I saved so he can see with his own eyes that he put the wrong date on his calendar? There may be certain situations where demonstrating my “rightness” is important, but even then, I can approach him with humility.

I have also on occasion used this peace-killer with my children. But there are times when it’s not worth the argument to prove that they’re wrong about a certain thing. “You could be right,” can be a useful phrase at times, especially in a discussion with a teenager. (Ask me how I know…)

What about the second peace-killer, the need to assess blame?

If something goes wrong, we don’t always have to figure out who’s responsible and deal with it. (I had a great story to share here from the past week where I actually didn’t assess blame when I could have. Then I realized that someone I live with might read this, and feel like I was blaming them! So I’ll share a fictional story.)

Let’s say you’re on vacation and your husband made a hotel reservation. The family shows up to check-in, only to realize the reservation is for the wrong date. (No, I promise this did not happen to us while we were on vacation recently! It’s a made-up example that I have totally worried about happening to me when I’ve been in charge of the trip details!) Is there any point in getting all over for him for this mistake? Does it change anything? And finally, how many times have I messed something up, and been grateful when someone graciously overlooked my error?

Read about the two peace-killers, and what we can do to overcome them.

All of this leads me to what I believe helps us keep the peace in our homes, not kill it.

That word is grace.

If I want to have peace in my home, I should show grace to my husband and our girls. When we get lost following directions they’ve given or an argument arises over what day we last had spaghetti for supper, there’s no need for me to find fault or set myself up as the one who knows it all.

Just as I often need their grace extended to me when I mess up, so I must be willing to do the same for them. After all, isn’t that what God offers to us so freely? Rather than insisting that I’m right or making sure someone takes the blame for their blunder, I can offer grace. That will be a big step toward filling our home with a spirit of love and peace.

6 Tips for Giving my Husband the Respect that He Needs

February 9, 2017 by Tracey 6 Comments

If you’ve read many marriage books, you’ve probably heard it said that one of a man’s greatest needs is respect.

Our husbands need us to admire them, to appreciate them for what they do and who they are. We can admire his abilities (“You did a great job fixing the dishwasher!”), his qualities (“I appreciate that you’re always honest in dealing with others, even when it’s hard”), and/or his achievements (“I’m so proud of you for getting that promotion at work!”)

By our words and actions, we show our respect (or lack thereof) for him and the God-given position he has in our family. Our children will notice, and will treat him (and, if they’re girls, most likely their future husband) in a similar manner.

If we study our husbands, we can learn what makes them feel respected. Here are six ideas I’ve come up with.

1. Speak positively about him to my children, parents, friends, etc. I think one of the main things that will cause our husbands to feel disrespected is hearing us criticize or belittle them to other people. Yes, every husband has faults, but those aren’t for me to discuss with others. Sometimes women are tempted to have a gripe session about what’s wrong with their husband. If the situation was reversed, would I want my husband venting about me to his friends or coworkers? Um, no. Instead, I can notice and verbally praise his good qualities.

2. Be his biggest cheerleader. Be the first one to congratulate him on a success at work or in any part of his life. Make a big deal out of it, even if he downplays the accomplishment. Encourage him when you know he’s working on a big project or dealing with difficulties on the job. Express confidence in his ability to handle things well. I can also bless him by being appreciative for how he provides for and takes care of our family.

3. Listen to him. If he wants to talk about something, stop what you’re doing and listen. Sometimes I’m tempted to only give my husband half of my attention, so I can keep working on whatever I’m doing. But focusing fully on him and being totally present in the conversation is a good way to show my respect for him.

4. Overlook the little things. Perhaps this could just be worded “don’t nag.” 🙂 Whether it’s his clothes piled on the floor or the mud he tracks in from the yard, choose to be forgiving rather than making it a big deal. If it’s something that needs to be addressed, pray that you’ll approach him with a right attitude, then discuss it calmly at an appropriate time.

5. Be honest with him. It hurts our relationship if I hide a purchase so he doesn’t know how much I spent. I certainly don’t want my children to think it’s okay to keep something secret from their dad. Even after 25 years of marriage, I want to continue building trust by being truthful in every area.

6. Trust his judgment. My husband has helpful insight on every part of our lives – especially for dealing with our children – and his input is valuable. When it comes to making decisions for our family, we discuss alternatives, then he ultimately has the final say. I want to be supportive, not second-guessing him or whining if I don’t get my way. In spite of what I may think, I really don’t know it all! It also helps if I’m daily praying for him to have wisdom and guidance as he leads our family.

It’s certainly easier to implement these tips when we have a husband who is seeking to follow God. Yet even when our husbands struggle spiritually, we can still ask the Holy Spirit to help us show the love of Christ by being respectful to our spouse.

Do you have other ideas for how we can show respect for our husbands?

What Does It Mean to Serve My Husband?

January 16, 2017 by Tracey 17 Comments

My husband and I have been married for 25 years. That sounds like a really long time!

Over these years, I’ve developed so much love and respect for him. He’s a man of character, a wonderful provider for our family, and a wise, loving father to our girls.

You would think that knowing the great man that he is would have me scrambling to serve him at every turn. But in spite of all that I admire about him, it’s often not enough to motivate me to want to wash his clothes, iron his shirt, pack his lunch, or cook his meals.

You know who my heart naturally wants to serve? Myself.

While sometimes my love for my husband is enough to propel me to do all those things that will benefit him, too often I’d rather neglect them, or push them aside, so that I can do what I want to do.

Why am I even concerned about serving my husband? Jesus said in Matthew 23:11, “But he that is greatest among you shall be your servant.” I know from Jesus’ own example in His earthly life that if I want to be like Him, then I will serve others. What better place to start than with my closest earthly relationship?

I also like this reminder in I Peter 4:10. “As every man hath received the gift, [even so] minister the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.” As I minister to and serve my husband, I am stewarding or managing the amazing grace that God has shown to me. I’m demonstrating God’s grace to someone else, in this case, the one I’ve vowed to be with for the rest of my life.

So what exactly does it mean to serve? One dictionary definitions says “to perform duties or services for another person.” I can handle that one. But another one I saw said “to be a servant.” Talk about humility! Signing up to be a servant to anyone is not something I instinctively jump to do. Yet that’s exactly what Jesus did when he washed the disciples’ feet in John 13:3-5.

I like the way this particular definition is framed – “to render assistance; be of use; help.” I think that one best describes what I want to be for my husband. In fact, it relates to my calling as a wife, as God created Eve to be a “help meet” for Adam.

I certainly need the Holy Spirit’s help in this area. If my goal is to make my husband’s life easier, I think I need to start with these three basic principles.

1. It’s an attitude. I think a right attitude comes first. I can perform the actions without this, but I think my husband would sense that it’s not genuine. If I want to check myself, I can ask, “Is my attitude about doing this for my husband the same as if I were doing it for Christ?” Would I complain about serving Him? Sometimes it means we overlook a habit that annoys us, or demonstrate patience when we feel like we’ve served enough.

2. It’s actions. I think serving my husband starts with the right attitude, but if that attitude doesn’t display itself in actions, I’m not really serving! I think this looks different for every couple. What does YOUR husband like? Mine likes a hot breakfast most mornings. Your husband may not care about that one bit. What specific actions show him that you are wanting to help him?

3. It’s prayer. I know I’ve recommended it before, but Stormie O’Martian’s book The Power of a Praying Wife does a good job detailing areas of your husband’s life to cover in prayer. Kat Lee from Inspired to Action typically tweets out a daily post of something to pray for your husband, like “God, fill him with your joy. Refresh him with your spirit.” Our husbands need to know that they have a wife who is praying for them. (I’ve gotten back into doing my monthly family prayer list in January. Having that list of five requests for the month helps me make sure I pray specific prayers for him daily.)

Do we only serve our husband when he’s in a good mood and treating us well? No. I think that’s where the love of God can really shine through us. We can be lovely even when he’s not. It is, however, an act of the Spirit through us, since it’s not our natural reaction to serve a person who’s not loving us in the way we want to be loved.

Easy words to write here, hard to live! Already knowing I’ll be tested in this area very soon! 🙂

Put This Under My Tree, Please

December 8, 2016 by Tracey 6 Comments

I want a lot for Christmas this year.

My list is kind of long, but every item is exactly what I would choose if I could have just what I wanted.

Give me a box of hugs from my daughters, the surprise kind where they slip up beside me and share a quick squeeze. Stick in my stocking the quick “I love you’s” I send behind them as they head out the door to school each morning.

You can package together the driving lessons, the pile of basketball uniforms to be washed, and the stack of books to return to the library.

Just a small box will do for the conversations we share about boys – the nice guys, the thoughtful kind. No need to give that topic too much importance just yet. 😉

All the sounds will need at least three packages. The large one should be the sound of music coming from the piano as my girls practice their Christmas songs. The sound of my husband coming in the door each evening should be the special box with lots of hearts on it. It’s one of those I look forward to every day. Those after-school talks on my drives home with my girls will probably need to be squeezed into a pretty big container.

Why the big box of money? That’s to dole out for lunch money and school fundraisers and youth group activities and Starbucks drinks on a regular day, just because.

The next one I open will have all the smells…bacon ’cause it makes all the breakfasts better, a mixed scent of Bath and Body Works body sprays coming from both girls’ bedrooms, my husband’s new cologne.

There’s an almost empty box since there haven’t been any new hand-crafted ornaments made from hand prints or chip can tops or craft sticks put on my tree in quite awhile. We’re lacking in the glitter-encrusted, white-glue dripping kind. Perhaps that season of life has passed us by….

Yes, a second empty box reminds me to check my closet for what might be missing since the last time a daughter borrowed it – the pair of shoes, the sweater, the necklace.

No need to wrap up those lunchboxes…they greet me early every morning as it is.

Bundle up the sound of the four of us talking around the supper table, riding in the car together, singing Christmas carols side by side in church, our relief at another annual family photo session completed. Tuck in all four of our stockings, currently hung in the living room, anticipating their filling on Christmas Eve.

It’s getting crowded under the tree, but I think there’s room for a few more presents.

Gather the two leftover birthday cakes waiting on the counter, courtesy of two girls born two years and two days apart, early in December. Those contact cases, bobby pins, and flatirons by the bathroom sink get a box all their own.

Give me that contented feeling of falling into bed beside my husband after another late night of ball games or recitals or concerts. Let me watch another cheer routine, sit through another piano recital, watch another JV Girls basketball game, enjoy another band number,

Let me drive a daughter to one more party, buy her one more white elephant gift to exchange, pray another prayer perched on the side of her bed before she drifts off to sleep.

Make that final gift a box of tissues, ’cause at this point I’ll be needing them.

The neat thing about this list is that it’s what I already have. Won’t cost anyone a cent, but will be more treasured than anything that’s frequently deposited on my front porch in a cardboard Amazon box. 🙂

Because these won’t be the gifts of next Christmas. Those will be different, because it will be 2017, and some things, even slightly, will have changed. That’s as it should be, and will bring its own joys, as God wills. But these gifts are the gifts of the present, those to be held close to my heart.

These are the memories my family is making this Christmas season. Yours are just as precious, because they’re yours, and they may never be the same again. What’s a memory you want placed under your tree?

Related posts:
Are You Getting What You Want for Christmas?
3 Gifts I Want My Children to Receive This Christmas
To Simplify This Season…Or Not?