Girls To Grow

Nurturing moms in their walk with God

How to Prepare for the Empty Nest: 7 Tips to Stay Connected to Your Husband

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Over breakfast earlier this week, a friend and I were talking about how the seasons of our lives are changing.

Our children are mostly grown. While we’re still involved in their lives, our days of active parenting are over.

But this post – and my conversation with my friend – isn’t about our children. It’s actually about our relationships with our husbands.

My husband and I were married almost ten years before our older daughter was born. We had twenty years with one or both girls in our home full-time. But, depending on the Lord’s plans, we could have at least that many years ahead of us without them here.

As a wife, I’ve heard lots of advice about scheduling regular date nights and making sure you put your marriage relationship ahead of your kids. That’s good counsel, but it wasn’t always doable. Yet the reality of our children leaving home can come up on us quickly! We want to be prepared as we move into the empty nest season with our spouse.

What I’m trying to say is that here’s what I would tell the thirty-year-old version of myself.

Let your children add to your life together, don’t let them take it over.

There are certainly times, especially during those newborn days, when your child needs so much of your focus. But those intense seasons shouldn’t stretch on for months and years.

I know I haven’t always done my best with this. I’m sure that on occasion I’ve given more attention to the kids than to my husband.

So if you’re in the thick of parenting little kids I get it. I’ve been there, too. And while older moms like me say that it will end one day, you may be wondering if it really will!

Staying connected with your husband just feels like one more thing you have to do and you don’t know how to fit that into your day.

But as often as you can, do something, no matter how small, to stay connected. Here are seven tips to stay connected to your husband as you prepare for the empty nest.

As we prepare to enter the empty nest season of life, here are seven tips to help us stay connected to our husbands.

1. Pray for him.

If you know he’s dealing with a difficult customer or has an important meeting, take a minute to pray for him. Set an alarm on your phone so you won’t forget. Then follow up with him in the evening to see how it went.

It’s also good to have an ongoing list of things you pray over in your husband’s life. Pray for his spiritual growth, his work, his physical health, etc.

2. Say one encouraging thing to him.

Thank him for taking out the trash or getting up with the baby in the middle of the night. Make a point of noticing what he does. Build him up with your words.

3. Write him a short love note or text him a thank you.

Yes, it’s a hard job being home alone with little kids every day or driving umpteen thousand miles to take them to soccer practice or being a mom who works outside the home. But it’s not like he’s on a relaxing vacation every day at his job!

Make a quick connection with him during the day and let him know you love and appreciate him. Tuck a note into his work bag or lunch box. Send a quick text in the middle of the day to let him know you’re thinking about him.

4. Find one thing to talk about that doesn’t involve the kids.

If you’re like us, many of our conversations revolve around our kids. And that’s natural. But make an effort to talk about other things that interest the two of you. It could be a sports story or a news headline or something related to his field of work.

5. Ask his advice about something. And listen to what he has to say.

My husband has so much wisdom. He often sees things through a different lens than I do. Whether it’s resolving a problem with one of our children or talking me down after a rant, it’s helpful to hear his opinion on things.

6. Respect his opinion when he gives it.

Sometimes if this is related to our kids, we may subconsciously think, “I’m the mom and I know best.” Wrong. Don’t write off his opinion. Seriously consider what he has to say.

7. Talk and dream about your future together.

This might be my favorite tip! No matter what stage you’re in, begin planning for your future. Want to attend a cooking class together? Go on a couples retreat? Take a special vacation with just the two of you? Begin anticipating what that new phase of life will look like.

We’ve never been the type to have regularly scheduled date nights. We fit them in as we could when our girls were little. And we’ve had a lifetime of fun watching them grow up, cheering them on at their basketball games, and taking them on trips.

But then one day your kids can stay home by themselves without a babysitter, and a whole new world opens up to you! Admittedly that’s about the time their ballgames, piano recitals, and band concerts take over all your evenings, but at least there’s the possibility of easy date nights!

Regardless, let’s make an effort to stay connected to our spouse. We can begin to look forward to the years ahead when it’s just the two of us together again.

How do you stay connected with your spouse? Let me know in the comments!

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Put This Under My Tree, Please

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I want a lot for Christmas this year.

My list is kind of long, but every item is exactly what I would choose if I could have just what I wanted.

 
Give me a box of hugs from my daughters, the surprise kind where they slip up beside me and share a quick squeeze.  Stick in my stocking the quick “I love you’s” I send behind them as they head out the door to school each morning.

You can package together the driving lessons, the pile of basketball uniforms to be washed, and the stack of books to return to the library.

Just a small box will do for the conversations we share about boys – the nice guys, the thoughtful kind.  No need to give that topic too much importance just yet. 😉

All the sounds will need at least three packages. The large one should be the sound of music coming from the piano as my girls practice their Christmas songs.  The sound of my husband coming in the door each evening should be the special box with lots of hearts on it. It’s one of those I look forward to every day.  Those after-school talks on my drives home with my girls will probably need to be squeezed into a pretty big container.

Why the big box of money?  That’s to dole out for lunch money and school fundraisers and youth group activities and Starbucks drinks on a regular day, just because.

The next one I open will have all the smells…bacon ’cause it makes all the breakfasts better, a mixed scent of Bath and Body Works body sprays coming from both girls’ bedrooms, my husband’s new cologne.

There’s an almost empty box since there haven’t been any new hand-crafted ornaments made from hand prints or chip can tops or craft sticks put on my tree in quite awhile.  We’re lacking in the glitter-encrusted, white-glue dripping kind.  Perhaps that season of life has passed us by….

Yes, a second empty box reminds me to check my closet for what might be missing since the last time a daughter borrowed it – the pair of shoes, the sweater, the necklace.

No need to wrap up those lunchboxes…they greet me early every morning as it is.

Bundle up the sound of the four of us talking around the supper table, riding in the car together, singing Christmas carols side by side in church, our relief at another annual family photo session completed.  Tuck in all four of our stockings, currently hung in the living room, anticipating their filling on Christmas Eve.

It’s getting crowded under the tree, but I think there’s room for a few more presents.

Gather the two leftover birthday cakes waiting on the counter, courtesy of two girls born two years and two days apart, early in December.  Those contact cases, bobby pins, and flatirons by the bathroom sink get a box all their own.

Give me that contented feeling of falling into bed beside my husband after another late night of ball games or recitals or concerts.  Let me watch another cheer routine, sit through another piano recital, watch another JV Girls basketball game, enjoy another band number,

Let me drive a daughter to one more party, buy her one more white elephant gift to exchange, pray another prayer perched on the side of her bed before she drifts off to sleep.

Make that final gift a box of tissues, ’cause at this point I’ll be needing them.

The neat thing about this list is that it’s what I already have.  Won’t cost anyone a cent, but will be more treasured than anything that’s frequently deposited on my front porch in a cardboard Amazon box. 🙂

Because these won’t be the gifts of next Christmas.  Those will be different, because it will be 2017, and some things, even slightly, will have changed.  That’s as it should be, and will bring its own joys, as God wills.  But these gifts are the gifts of the present, those to be held close to my heart.

These are the memories my family is making this Christmas season.  Yours are just as precious, because they’re yours, and they may never be the same again.  What’s a memory you want placed under your tree?

Related posts:
Are You Getting What You Want for Christmas?
3 Gifts I Want My Children to Receive This Christmas
To Simplify This Season…Or Not?

What Was, What Is, What Is To Come

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It was twenty-four years ago today that we said, “I do.”

An overcast, slightly drizzly day, filled with the colors of baby-blue bridesmaid dresses, bow ties, and cummerbunds; the gold church pews; the white reception tents on the green grass outside the brick church building.  The faces were those of grandparents now passed on to heaven, dad conducting our ceremony, mom as mistress of ceremonies, brothers, sisters, extended family, friends, dear ladies of the church presiding at our reception.

The scene changes to that first two-bedroom townhouse apartment nearly devoid of furniture, first blue two-door Honda hatchback, first jobs, first fights.  We navigated the hills and valleys of married life, from your serious illness to the loss of our baby, job changes to the joys of children born strong and healthy, a move to North Carolina and back.

All that has brought us to what is.  You and I, parents of a teen and tween, navigating new waters nearly every week.  We’re not as fit as we used to be, our bodies speaking in occasional creaks and groans, responding more slowly than in those “what was” years.  The wrinkles and laugh lines have appeared, the hair color has changed, the eyesight’s not what it once was.  The outside of our love may look different, but the inside love has grown and flourished and strengthened over the years.

God willing, that love will carry us through what is to come.  In my mind’s eye, I see the excitement of high school graduation and college days for our daughters, their weddings, our grandchildren.  I feel you holding my hand through difficult partings, physical failings, and life’s ever unexpected moments.

My prayer for what is to come goes something like this.

Dear God, Grow us ever into Your image.  May the love we share be an example to our children and a blessing to others because it comes from You.  Knit our hearts even more tightly together.  Give us the grace to face what the coming years bring and the strength to carry out your perfect will for us as a couple.  Thank you for the home You began twenty-four years ago, and may we glorify You through whatever the future holds.

Happy anniversary, my dear sweetheart!

What Those Wedding Vows Really Mean

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Dear 1991 Bride,

My, how lovely you look today!  You found the wedding dress in a short amount of time, pulled everything together with the help of your family and so many precious church ladies, and now your wedding day is here.

Your groom is quite handsome!  The music you’ve chosen is beautiful and this special day is going well.

Now, let’s have a little talk.

Those words you’re about to say so smoothly in your wedding vows…those aren’t just words.  There’s a lifetime of meaning behind them.

Take, as an example, “for better or worse.”  Yes, in spite of what you think now, there will be “worse.”  Most days will be of the “better” variety, but there will be the “worse” days.  Days when selfishness wins, and silly arguments prevail, and patience goes out the window, and words you’ll later wish you could take back will come out of your mouth.

“For richer for poorer”…yeah, that, too.  Budgeting and sacrifices and not buying that new dress and throwing a meal in the slow cooker instead of eating out is part of maturing and acting like an adult with your money.  Enjoy the richer days, too, when they come.  But realize that “richer” encompasses so much more than money, and take to time to enjoy the shared laughter and his arm around you in church and holding hands in the car and sitting together quietly at the end of the day.

“In sickness and in health”  will mean a middle of the night ER visit for your kidney stones, his stay in the hospital with a lung disease, a miscarriage, and his back surgery.

“To love and to cherish” won’t be just the romantic nights and the unexpected gifts and the fun vacations.  While those will be nice, loving and cherishing will more often involve serving each other when you don’t feel like it – you washing his laundry and his washing your car, you cooking supper and him mowing the lawn.

But you won’t ever be sorry that you’ve kept those vows.  When it’s July 27, 2014, and you celebrate 23 years of marriage, you’ll be so glad that God gave you him for a husband and that the commitment you make today is still being honored.

Love,

Your 2014 Self, A Married Woman of 23 Years

Happy 23rd anniversary (as of Sunday), sweetheart!!

It’s a Love Story

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Psalm 16:6 says, “The lines are fallen unto me in pleasant places; yea, I have a goodly heritage.”  I have been blessed with Godly parents who love each other, their family, and their Savior.  Here are thoughts I shared at our celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary this past weekend.

Like many love stories, this
one could begin with “Once upon a time.” 
This “once-upon-a-time” tale began over fifty years ago.  As is typical, it brought together a handsome
young prince and a beautiful young princess.

The plot has had many twists
and turns, its share of ups and downs. 
He was drafted into the army, they moved far away from family and
friends.  But these were no random
events, for this story has the perfect author. 
God, who drew them to Himself early in their married life, had a plan.  He called Dad to be a preacher and Mom a
preacher’s wife.

The chapters have unfolded
one by one, bringing the joys of children and family, a church full of people
to love, and a host of opportunities to serve their Saviour.  Several chapters chronicle their travels as
they marked miles from Chesterfield to Pensacola, Charleston, and the Amish
Country of Pennsylvania.

Interspersed among the happy scenes
are tear-stained pages with words so difficult to read – a miscarriage, the
tragic loss of a sister, later a brother, then parents and dear church members
– all gone ahead to heaven before us.

Yet the theme of this story
remains constant – love.  I see it in the
way he places his hand on hers as they ride down the road in the car.  It’s in her voice as she reminds him –
repeatedly – to be careful going down the steps.  For me, this love has always meant security,
growing up confident in the knowledge that my parents loved each other and me.

Now I get to live a love
story of my own with their example always before me.  In their own book, there are still blank
pages with plenty of room to write some more. 
The grandchildren are filling those pages up rapidly, yet another
continuation of the love that began in Princess Anne County over fifty years
ago.

Today we thank God for
bringing them together, for shaping their lives to influence so many.  And we celebrate their love story with those
magical words that we all like to hear – “and they lived happily ever after.”