Recently I sent a poll to my email subscribers about content they’d like to see here on the blog. (If you’d like to sign up for my twice-weekly e-mails, click here.) One question asked what topics people would be interested in reading more about. Marriage was one answer that came up.
Honestly, it scares me to write about marriage. I don’t do it often, because I’ve learned the hard way that it practically invites some type of disagreement with my husband within the next 24 hours!
But in order to accommodate the reader who submitted that answer, I’m taking the chance! I’ve been married to my husband for 29 years, but I still feel like I have so much room to grow in this area. I’m definitely no marriage expert, but I will share a few things I’ve learned.
We all want to have good marriages, but sometimes things get in the way. Today I’m listing five enemies of a good marriage and how to fight against them. Hopefully, if we’re aware of them, we can avoid letting these enemies sneak into our relationships.
1. Selfishness.
Who doesn’t want their own way? It’s natural to be selfish and to think we’re always right. We may start married life trying to change our spouse to fit the mold we imagine for them. None of us want to see ourselves as selfish, but we need to be willing to evaluate our actions and attitudes.
Romans 12:10 tells us to “Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another.” Am I choosing to honor my spouse or is everything always about me? Selfishness elevates my wants and desires above anything else.
How to fight it:
Put a need of his ahead of your own. Make his coffee before you make your own. Take care of a task he needs to have done and put yours off till later. Maybe even ask if there’s anything you can do for him today.
When a conflict arises, put yourself in his shoes. Have you tried to see the situation from his side? What might be causing him to react so strongly? A little empathy goes a long way.
2. Impatience.
We are all a work in progress. Our spouses have areas in which they need to mature…and so do we. It takes time for us to grow. I’d like to think that I’m a better person than the woman my husband married at 22!
1 Corinthians 13:4 tells us that love “suffers long and is kind.” Be patient with your spouse. It was eye-opening to me when I read Linda Dillow’s book What’s It Like to Be Married to Me? What kind of question is that??? Of course, it’s great to be married to me (ha!) But it made me realize that being married to me is not a piece of cake. We want our spouse to be patient with us, so we should do the same for them.
How to fight it:
Pray for your spouse every day. We’re not asking God to change him into exactly what we think he should be, but for His Holy Spirit to grow our spouse in their spiritual walk.
Slow down. Don’t be in such a hurry to accomplish something that you run roughshod over your spouse and his opinion.
3. Neglect.
Neglect is a sneaky enemy because it happens when we just don’t pay attention. We’re caught up in good things – the kids, work, a busy schedule, ministry, keeping up with stuff around the house – and we don’t make connecting with our spouse a priority.
How to fight it:
Listen. Give him your undivided attention when he’s talking. Focus on what he’s saying, and respond positively.
Make time for each other on a regular basis. We didn’t do regularly scheduled date nights when our girls were young, though it’s a great idea if it works for you. But we did make time daily to catch up with what was going on in each other’s lives. That sometimes meant a phone call when he was on his way home from work, or just sitting on the couch to talk after the kids were in bed.
4. A critical spirit.
Isn’t it easy to focus on the negative?? “My husband drives me crazy when he ______.” If we’re looking for everything our spouse does wrong – or just not the way we would do it – we’re going to find it.
Ephesians 4:2 reminds us, “With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love.” Sometimes our facial expressions or the tone we use when talking to our spouse can convey disrespect or disgust. Over time, those seemingly simple offenses can do damage to our marriage.
How to fight it:
Let one thing go every day. Don’t comment on the cabinet door he left open or the shirt he didn’t hang up or how he forgot to get milk at the grocery store. Just don’t. say. anything.
If you journal, write down one thing you appreciate about him every day. It could be as simple as “he wiped off his shoes before he walked in the house.” This exercise helps us to look for his positive actions and qualities.
5. Unforgiveness.
It can be a little thing that you allow to fester. He may not even know it’s an issue, but you clutch it to your heart and relive it in your mind. Let it go. Otherwise, you’re inviting bitterness into the relationship.
“Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” ~Colossians 3:13
How to fight it:
Say “thank you” to your husband at least once a day. This only takes a few seconds, but you do have to be paying attention. You have to notice what he’s doing that’s blessing you.
Let go of the past. Directly address whatever the issue is, and then move on. What’s done is done, so start fresh.
May we all be aware of these enemies and fight against them so that our marriages can thrive!
Related posts:
- 7 Ways to Let Your Husband Know You Love Him
- The Women You Married
- 5 Marriage Books Every Wife Should Read
Your post is full of great advice, but I particularly appreciate the one about thanking him everyday. I need to do that because it’s so easy to focus on where he’s not living up to my expectations rather than on the things he does well.
Yes, I seem to naturally find the negative, so need to regularly remind myself to look for the positive. And there’s LOTS of positive – I just tend to focus on the other.
THANK YOU for the “How to Fight It” sections! I know these enemies, but beyond that list, the practical applications are so quality!!!