Have you ever parented through a really tough season?  Ever been ready to just throw up your hands because you don’t know how to deal with your child?

If so, I’m right there with you!

I currently have two teenagers.  You may have a toddler, a seven-year-old, a pre-teen, or one of each.  Regardless, we may sometimes need to stop and ask ourselves, “Why am I parenting the way that I am?”

Sometimes I find that I’m not parenting for my child’s sake.  I’m not disciplining and discipling them for their own good and for God’s glory.  Instead, I’m parenting for other people.  I care more about what outside observers think of me as a mom than I do about what’s best for my child and our family situation.

In other words, if I’m parenting so that people will think we have the “perfect” family and that I’m a great mom, then I’m missing the point.

But for me, this can be hard. 

I want people to think I’m a good mom.  I can get caught up in worrying about how my child’s behavior reflects on me.  If she’s obeying, following all the rules while smiling and being respectful, I look like a good mom.  On the other hand, if she’s throwing a temper tantrum in the grocery store aisle – or worse, in the church nursery – people will think I’m a “bad” mom.

But our kids are people who are going to make mistakes.  They will make poor choices, and sin…just like we do.  But if they make those mistakes now, while they’re living in our homes, we can process them together.  We can find truth in God’s Word to guide us, and hopefully turn the situation into a valuable life lesson.

The closer I get to releasing teenagers out into the world to fend for themselves, the more I see that it is THE GRACE OF GOD that makes the difference in our parenting.

Are we responsible to train our children to the best of our ability and to set a Christ-like example for them to follow?  Absolutely.

But no matter how hard we try, we’re never going to do that perfectly.  I’m human.  So are you.  We’re going to blow it way more times than we’d like.

But God can use even that to show our children that they, too, need to repent and ask forgiveness.  Sometimes they’re going to mess up quietly, and hardly anyone will know about it.  And sometimes it may be spectacularly, where everyone knows.

In either case, they need to know that we as parents still love them, and are there for them.  We walk through the struggle together.  So much more important than what other people think is the relationship I have with my child, and the relationship we each have with God.

And one of the best – yet hardest – parts of all this is how God is changing me through parenting.  I’ve grown in trusting Him, in understanding grace, in realizing how much I need His wisdom.  He gave me my individual kids with their unique personalities for a reason.  I believe a big part of that is to show me how weak I am on my own, and how much I need Him to help me on a daily basis.

So here are a few things to remember when we start to focus on what others think of us as a mom.

1.  Be kind to other parents.  Most of us are just trying to get this right, and doing the best job we can.  Lose the judgment, and be encouraging instead.
2.  Parent your children according to Bible principles.  God knows more than anyone else about the best way to teach and train our kids.
3.  Let your kids fail sometimes.  Don’t micromanage their lives so much that they never get a chance to learn the consequences that come from making a mistake.  Whether it’s forgetting their homework or not turning in that sports form on time, there’s rarely a better way to learn a life lesson than having to deal with the consequences.
4. Don’t assume you know the whole situation, in your own family or someone else’s.  When dealing with your own child, don’t jump to conclusions.  Make sure you know exactly what happened.  And if you see someone else’s child struggling in some way, don’t assume that the parents don’t know or don’t care.  Give grace to that family in the same way you’d want grace shown to yours.
5. Live honestly and sincerely before your kids.  Teenagers especially can spot a hypocrite a mile away.  Ask your children for forgiveness when you’ve wronged them.  Let them know you face some of the same struggles they do.

As we parent our precious children, may God give us wisdom to do what’s best for them.  And may we all grow together in loving one another, and in glorifying God with our lives.

Related posts:
Parenting My Child’s Heart
How to Pray for my Strong-Willed Child (and Her Mother)
Am I a “Good-Enough” Mom?
7 Bible Verses to Remember When You Feel Discouraged as a Parent

Don’t tell my kids this, but when I was a senior in high school, my best friend and I skipped school one afternoon.  We went to her house because both of her parents worked, so nobody was at home.  We ate some snacks, and watched a movie.

I had to be back at dismissal time to pick up my younger brother, so we were only gone for a couple of hours.  But things took a turn for the worse when the school principal called my friend’s house, and she answered the phone.  (Not the smartest move when no one’s supposed to be home!!)

I remember a lot of things from that experience, but one of the most memorable is the way my dad handled it.  I’m sure he was disappointed that I’d made a poor choice, but there was no shaming or hefty punishment.  We talked about it, and he just seemed to believe that I wouldn’t make that same choice again.  He was right.

Would he have been justified in taking away my access to the car or denying me some of my other freedoms?  Of course.  But in my eyes, he gave me grace.

Denny Kenaston, in the book The Pursuit of Godly Seed, takes a chapter to contrast the Old Testament covenant of the law with New Testament grace, and relates them to parenting.

Listed below are just a few of the points he makes as he explains the differences between parenting by law and parenting by grace.

“The spirit of law discourages; the spirit of grace encourages.”

We can be our children’s chief encouragers!  Constantly critiquing them causes them to lose confidence, and can keep them from wanting to try new things.  And while we definitely have to correct them at times, we can do it in a way that isn’t a personal attack.

I’ve learned that timing is another important key to correction.  It’s like the old saying, “Don’t kick him when he’s down.”  If he’s had a rough day, it’s okay to wait a little while before addressing a problem.

“The spirit of law is never good enough; the spirit of grace blesses each new step.”

If, like me, you have a bent toward perfectionism, this can be an easy trap to fall into.  Your child can feel like they have a hard time meeting the “perfect” standard you’ve set for her.  We certainly want our children to do their best, but they are, after all, kids.

This reminds me of another saying, “Praise progress, not perfection.”  Find ways that they’re improving or just notice that they’re really trying to do better, and cheer them on.

“The spirit of law criticizes; the spirit of grace gives the benefit of the doubt.”

Assume the best. Look for the good in your child.  I think of how awful it would be for me to live under a spirit of criticism, and I certainly don’t want that for my daughters.

“The spirit of law exposes sin and remembers it; the spirit of grace forgives and forgets.”

Try not to bring up the past in a bad way.  “You never obey me.  This is exactly what happened last week, and you still haven’t learned your lesson.”  If you’ve dealt with the previous experience, move on, and don’t refer back to it.

After all, do I want my children to remember the times I’ve spectacularly failed as a mom?  Do I want them to remind me of the time when I raised my voice or totally lost my patience?  No.  So let me give them the same consideration.

“The spirit of law is performance oriented; the spirit of grace is relationship oriented.”

Our love for our children shouldn’t be based on how they’re acting today.  It’s not, “I love you (because you’re being good/obeying me/making me look like a good mom).”  I want our girls to know that they are loved no matter what.

That means I’m taking the time to listen to them and take an interest in what they’re doing.  As long as we have a relationship with our children, we can still have influence in their lives, even as they go through the teenage years and beyond.

So how can we, practically speaking, parent in grace today?

1. Say something encouraging to your child about a specific action he takes or a character trait he displays.  (“Thank you for taking your plate to the sink without me asking you.”  “I like how diligent you are to put your book bag away when you get home from school.”)

2. Don’t re-do any task they’ve already completed.  Just leave it like it is, and thank her for doing it.

3. Assume your child had a good day at school, and don’t ask if he got into trouble.

4. If you need to discipline your child, don’t bring up any past bad behavior in the process.

5. Find one way to show your child how important she is to you.  It could be as simple as an extended hug, reading an extra story at bedtime, baking together, or putting a note or special treat in their lunch box.

Rules and discipline are a necessary part of life.  But let’s show our children that there’s also love, encouragement, and forgiveness for them in our homes.  Just as Jesus has extended his “grace beyond measure” to me, a sinner, so may I live out that grace in all of my relationships.

Related posts:
Parenting the Hard Way
5 Parenting Mistakes I’ve Made
It Always Comes Back to His Grace

Praying for our children is something we can do every day of their lives.  There’s not much else that can claim that significance!

And while I’ve always been mindful of the need to pray for our girls, I would definitely say my prayers have changed since they were little.  When they were younger, I felt like I had more control (though in reality, we know I didn’t!}  The older they get, the more I see my need to trust God with their lives.  I’m not there 24/7 to help shelter or guide them.  But He is.

I’ve talked about my monthly prayer list, and how I tailor that to specific needs in our family.  I’m still using that format.  But today I wanted to share a few general areas that are important to cover in prayer as well.

1. Pray for their physical safety.

Proverbs 21:31b says “….safety is of the Lord.”

When my girls were younger, my concerns had more to do with them falling off a piece of playground equipment or being taken by a stranger.  Now it’s more along the lines of asking God to protect them during their drive to school, and for them not to get seriously injured during a basketball game.  Whatever the physical threat to our children is, we know that God can keep them safe.

2. Pray for protection from evil and wrong influences.

Children lose their innocence at such young ages today!  Because of our current culture, we’ve felt it necessary to discuss certain topics with our girls at earlier ages than I would have liked.

And no matter how you educate your children, there’s always an opportunity for them to see or hear something that can influence their thoughts the wrong way.  Our girls attend a Christian school, but I’m not naive enough to think that they don’t encounter serious temptation there.

My prayer is that God will protect them from those temptations to sin and from any person who would be a bad influence.  I’m thankful that Psalm 121:7 tells me, “The Lord shall preserve thee from all evil; He shall preserve thy soul.”

3. Pray for spiritual growth.

Since we as parents live with our kids day in and day out, we often know where they’re struggling.  It could be a bad attitude, dishonesty, or selfishness (yes, exactly some of the same sins their parents battle!)

Regardless of what sin it is, we can pray for God to convict their hearts.  We want them to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s leading, and to quickly ask forgiveness when they realize they’ve done wrong.

4. Pray that they’ll make good decisions and wise choices.

Our girls have memorized many Bible verses over the years.  Now my prayer is that those verses will sink into their souls and guide them in the choices that they make.  You’re probably familiar with Isaiah 55:11, which reads, “So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.”

If our daughters will hide God’s Word in their hearts, and apply it to their daily lives, they will be blessed in many ways.  We know that living out those Bible truths will spare them from the heartache that sin brings.

 5. Pray for their relationships.

This includes friendships, teachers, coaches, and certainly siblings.  I think it makes all our mama hearts happy when our kids are getting along with one another!

Our children’s friends play an important role in their lives, as do other adults.  I’ve written before about wanting good role models for our children.  We can pray that God will give them friends who will encourage them in their walk with God, and adults who will live out a Christ-like example.

Yes, prayer takes time.  But I don’t think there’s any better way to spend our time than asking for God’s blessing and watch care over our precious children.

Related posts:
10 Prayers to Pray for Your Daughter
A Prayer for Wisdom in Parenting My Children
Teaching Our Children to Fear the Lord

I haven’t written much about parenting lately.

I think it’s because the teen years are a whole different ballgame.  It’s easy to overshare and include stories my daughters may not want out in the public arena.  I need to respect their privacy.

And if any phase has revealed how inadequate I am as a parent, it has to be these teen years!  There are many wonderful parts of having teenagers – really, there are!!  But, especially as they move further into the teen years, there’s an ongoing struggle between giving them independence while still monitoring what’s happening in their lives.  Letting go is a process that takes time and work as you shift your relationship with your child from one of authority to one of influence.

Recently I was looking back over some of the goals I had written out for our girls when they were younger.  I like having goals as a mom because they make me evaluate what I really want to aim for as I parent.  They also give me a greater purpose as I look toward the future when it’s so easy to get bogged down in the day-to-day routine.

I realized that these goals are still applicable, so I’m sharing them here today.  I’m certainly not doing this parenting thing perfectly, but it was good to review the long-term vision for the impact we can have in their lives.  Maybe this list will encourage you to develop some of your own goals as you raise your children.

Spiritual Goals for Our Children

1. Salvation.

The spiritual “first step” is having our children make the decision to accept Jesus Christ as their Savior. Praise the Lord, as best I can tell, both of our girls have done this. However, should they ever have doubts, I want to take those seriously and make sure they have assurance in their own hearts that they are saved.

2. Live in God’s will for their lives.

I hope I’m always open to letting God lead our girls where ever He wills.  My part is to encourage them to pursue their interests and follow the path God has for their lives.  May I never allow the plans that I think would be good for them to supersede what God may be doing in their lives.

3. Actively serve God and others.

Whatever their life’s calling, I hope that our daughters serve God in their local church. The very best use of their God-given talents would be using them to encourage other believers and reach out to the unsaved.

Emotional Goals for Our Children

1. Self-confidence.

I hesitate to use the word self-esteem, but the idea here is that they are confident in their abilities and believe that, with God’s help, they can accomplish whatever task is set before them. I believe they can maintain a spirit of humility while still reaching for their dreams.

2. Self-control.

This one is certainly a life-long struggle, but being able to control your emotions is an important part of maturing in Christ.

3. Joy.

My goal here would be for them to experience Christ’s joy throughout their lives, regardless of circumstances.

Mental/Intellectual Goals for Our Children

1. Have our girls always be reading and learning new things.

I want to do this right alongside them – be a lifelong learner!  Whether it’s by reading a book, watching a video or taking a class, there’s always a new skill to be learned.

2. Be financially savvy.

We’ve trained our girls to divide their allowance (and any other money they receive) into the categories of giving, saving, and spending. Our older daughter now has a budget and knows how to balance her checkbook.  We want them to learn how to handle money wisely while they’re still under our roof.

3, Develop an appreciation for good music and quality entertainment.

We’ve always enjoyed take our girls to plays and concerts.  Exposing them to fine arts and quality productions will hopefully enrich their lives and cause them to choose good entertainment as they get older.

Physical Goals for Our Children

1. Teach my daughters how to properly care for their bodies..

This would include knowing how to eat healthily, and get enough exercise and sufficient sleep.

2. Know how to run a household, including cooking, cleaning and basic maintenance.

They’re learning to wash and iron their own clothes, fix meals, and clean up after themselves.  We also want to train them to make wise purchases, whether it’s selecting furniture or buying a new car.

3. Help them to develop their physical abilities.

Work with them to develop whatever physical abilities they have, including playing musical instruments, athletics, and fine arts

Here are some practical ways I’ve tried to work toward these goals with our children over the years.

• Talk frequently about salvation. Read biographies and other devotional stories that involve someone coming to Christ, and that explain the plan of salvation.
• Create an environment that makes it comfortable to talk about spiritual things. Discuss what they’re learning in Sunday School, children’s church, youth group, or in the other services at church.
• Expose them to preaching that gives the gospel and encourages them to follow God’s Word.
• Have them help me when I serve others. They can work with me in the nursery or children’s church, play an offertory on the piano, and help make a meal for someone who’s sick.
• Help them find activities in which they can excel, and provide opportunities for them to flourish.  Be an enthusiastic supporter and cheerleader at their games, concerts, etc.
• When one of the girls comes to me with a problem, remembering to pray about it with them as a first resort, not a last. Some months ago, one daughter was talking to me about a difficulty she was having with a friend. We were riding along in the car and I was waxing eloquent about the best way to deal with the issue, when my other daughter piped up, “Why don’t you just pray about it?” I was convicted!!  That should have been my first response as well!
• Create an attitude of gratitude in our home. It’s easier to live in joy when we notice all that we have and purposefully give thanks for it.
• Invest time and money into character-building books, activities, and entertainment.

You may choose different goals than these, but I do think it’s helpful to see exactly where we want to go with our parenting.  We’ve been given such a great responsibility to steward these gifts from God.

I’d love to hear any ideas you have as you set some goals for your parenting!

Related posts:
Pondering the Positive in Our Parenting
Parenting My Child’s Heart
A Mom’s Prayer for Today