As I go through the process of parenting two teenage girls, I’ve found something I often heard to be true.  Friends play a big part in their lives. 

While I believe that the most important influence continues to be us as parents, their friends can either help or hinder what we’re trying to teach our children during these years.

As with every area of their lives, the most important thing we can do is to pray over their friendships.  I pray almost daily that our girls will have wisdom and discernment in their relationships.  I desire for them to have strong, life-giving friendships with those who will be loyal, honest, and loving.  Most of all, I want them to be surrounded by peers who will encourage them to grow in their relationship with Christ.

Below are six quotes, wisdom from others, that I want to pass along to my daughters as they consider how to be and how to find good friends.

1.  “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.”  ~Proverbs 18:24. 

With our oldest daughter heading off to a college where she doesn’t have close friends, she’ll be in a position to reach out in friendship to others.  And if/when loneliness starts to creep in, I want her to realize that Jesus will always be her closest friend.  In fact, He can meet needs in her that no friend, no matter how close, ever can.

2.  “My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.”  ~Henry Ford  

A true friend makes us a better person. It’s good to ask, “Am I blessed and encouraged when I’m with this friend, or do I feel ‘less-than’ or discouraged after we’ve been together?”

Conversely, ask “Am I able to help my friend grow and shine through the way I treat her?”

3.  “Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity.”  ~Khalil Gibran  

View friendships through the lens of what you can give to others, not what you can get from them. Be the friend you would like to have.

4.  “Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence.”  ~George Washington  

It takes time to build trust, so be careful who you share your deepest thoughts and feelings with. Be just as careful to keep the trust that is given to you by a friend.

I’ve heard it said that you will only have a few truly close friends throughout your lifetime. Treasure those people with whom you can build lasting relationships!

5. “Never do a wrong thing to make a friend or to keep one.” ~Robert E. Lee

A true friend will not ask you to do anything that he or she knows goes against your beliefs. Don’t let peer pressure cause you to act foolishly. Remember Proverbs 13:20. “He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.”

6.  “When you choose your friends, don’t be short-changed by choosing personality over character.”  ~W. Somerset Maugham

Value those who are true to themselves and who live in a way that is God-honoring. It’s easy to be attracted to those who are popular or funny, but make sure they are also good, kind people.

I think it goes without saying that these truths apply to our adult friendships as well! Good friends can be a blessing in the lives of our teenagers and in our lives, too.

Related posts:

• Finding the Friend in the Seat Beside Me
• 5 Prayers to Pray for Your Children Every Day
• 3 Pieces of Advice for My Children in the New School Year

When August 1st arrived, I knew it was real. The countdown to dropping our oldest daughter off at college was on and moving fast.

I’m processing lots of feelings and emotions over here…which I’m sure is delightful for everyone around me! In the midst of that, I’m gathering encouragement for when that day arrives.

These five thoughts are helping me so far. And while my situation deals with college separation, it could also apply to a child starting any new phase of life.

1. God’s not done with your child…and He’s not done with you.

We see our children the way they are today, 18 and 16-years-old, in my case. And while much about them might be wonderful, they still have a lot of maturing to do. When I think back to how I was at 18, I’m glad I’ve grown up some more since then!

I love the words of Paul in Philippians 1:6. “Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.“

Not only will God continue to perfect His work in our children, but He will do the same for us as parents. This change in our family situation will give me more opportunities to trust Him and grow my faith – especially since our daughter will be almost 600 miles away.

2. It’s okay to feel sad about the “lasts,” but make time to celebrate the “firsts.”

Process the feelings of sadness. They’re natural and okay. But also have fun buying for and decorating her dorm room (or book bag or school locker). Put together a care package with some of her favorite things and be ready to send it at the first sign of homesickness.

Endings usually lead to new beginnings. One of my favorite verses about the changing seasons of life is Isaiah 42:19. “Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.“

Even when change is hard, there’s always room for God to do a new thing. Let’s look ahead to the good things in store for us and for our child.

3. Remember that God never fails.

Change doesn’t mean that God leaves you or walks away. In fact, sometimes we recognize Him more in the difficult times.

“My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.” ~Psalm 73:26

I remember the season of new motherhood. I had no idea what to do with a baby. Yet through the sleepless nights, high fevers, terrible-two tantrums, middle school drama, and teenage disappointments, God has guided me as a mom to this daughter. He will continue to do so.

Not only will He not fail me, He won’t fail my daughter. I’m excited to think about the lessons she will learn about God’s faithfulness in the coming months.

4. This too shall pass.

My husband and I have said this about several stages in our children’s lives!

At first, I’ll cry when I drive past the Chick-fil-a where she’s worked for the last 2 1/2 years. I already dread walking back into the house after college drop off and seeing her empty bedroom. It won’t ever be the same again, but there will be a new normal.

“But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.” ~1 Peter 5:10

I might not classify this situation as suffering, but I do know that God can use it to continue to grow us. We’ll learn lessons through this adjustment, and move on to what God has for us next.

5. Other moms are walking this same road.

There’s comfort in shared experiences. I have a number of friends who’ve either just come through this stage, are in the middle of it, or are beginning it just like me. We all experience it differently, as do our kids, based on personalities and expectations. However, it’s reassuring to know that I’m not alone in this.

“Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man’s friend by hearty counsel.” ~Proverbs 27:9

If any of you have already passed this milestone, I’d love to hear what advice was most helpful to you!

Related posts:

• 6 Pieces of Advice for a Daughter Who’s Beginning Her Life’s Voyage
• 4 Bible Verses to Hold on to as We Parent Teenagers
• A Letter to My Teenage Daughter: God Made You Special

When our daughters were young, I often had to prompt them to say “thank you” or coach them in other proper responses. I’m sure I asked the typical “What do you say?” when they’d get candy or a toy from someone until I was even tired of hearing myself!

Maybe you’ve done the same with your kids. So why do we do that? Yes, we want them to appear to be civilized human beings with good manners. But I think we want more than that. I think we want those feelings that we’re trying to force them to express to become a natural part of who they are.

In the beginning, when they say those certain phrases, it’s just an automated response that’s usually lacking the desired emotion. But we can begin training them early to actually think about how they’re interacting with other people.

There are typically plenty of opportunities to practice these sentences at home. Using them with parents and siblings provides a great training ground for learning to use them in public.

1. Thank you.

An attitude of gratitude goes a long way in life. Whether expressing appreciation for a gift or a thoughtful gesture, these are the words that many of us automatically teach our kids to say.

And by the way, this doesn’t end when they get to be teenagers. We encouraged (“made”) our oldest daughter to write thank-you notes for all of the graduation gifts she received. I know that not everyone does that anymore, but I think it’s a good way to be grateful and acknowledge the giver.

2. I’m sorry; I was wrong. Please forgive me.

Okay, that’s two sentences, but you get the point. These words can be difficult to say at any age, so the earlier our children can learn to acknowledge their wrong words or actions and ask for forgiveness, the better it is.

How much you get into having your child apologize certainly depends on their age. A two-year-old who just hit another kid because he picked up the toy she was playing with probably isn’t going to understand the dynamics of saying “I’m sorry.” But talking through a situation with a six-year-old who’s learning how to empathize with others can help them understand the need to ask for forgiveness.

3. I’m happy for you.

Much of our culture promotes self-centeredness and comparison. If we can help our children learn to be excited for someone else when that person succeeds, we can potentially give them a head start on fighting those negative feelings.

I’ve mentioned before how much I love Kay Wyma’s book I’m Happy for You (Sort Of…Not Really). It addresses this issue for moms. And it reminds me that the best way to help my children learn to say these sentences is to set the example by using them myself!!

Are there other phrases you emphasize with your children? Do you have tips on helping them remember to use these words at appropriate times? Please share!

Related posts:

• How to Have Peace in Your Home
• Parenting Is Not About Making Me Look Like a Good Mom
• I Can Be Happy for You

(This post may contain affiliate links, which means that if you click on a product link and make a purchase, I’ll receive a small percentage from any sales.  This does not affect your price in any way.)

Here’s a scenario that’s happened at our house on more than occasion.  Maybe you can relate…

One of our daughters had been looking forward to something for weeks.  We got news at the last minute that it wasn’t going to work out like she’d hoped.  Actually, my husband and I knew first, and I DREADED telling her.  I knew how disappointed she was going to be.  And what if she cried???  I’m not one to cry easily, and neither are my girls, so when there are tears involved, my heart just melts.

She took it like a champ, and in the end, it all worked out okay.  But that wasn’t the first time – and certainly wasn’t the last – that she’d receive disappointing news.  Maybe our daughter won’t get the job or the invitation or the scholarship or the guy.

That particular day, I was able to share with her a disappointment that I’d experienced…because haven’t we all had our share of those moments?  Whether it’s missing an event you’ve looked forward to or not receiving something you expected to get, we’ve all known what it’s like to feel disappointment.

No one likes to be disappointed.  But learning to accept and deal with it is part of life.  And since we know that our children will face disappointment, it’s helpful if we can give them strategies for handling it.

The following is a quote by Thomas Monson.

The principles of living greatly include the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and trial with humility.

I don’t know that I’m at the point of facing disappointment with cheerfulness, but that’s a great goal to have!  Here are six tips I try to remember when walking our children through a disappointment since even our older kids get disappointed at times.

1.  Empathize.  Don’t just brush off their disappointment as no big deal.  Take time to acknowledge their feelings.  Show compassion for the situation, and let them know that you’ve suffered disappointments, too.

2.  Remind them that God knows all about it.  Gently remind them that God is in control, and has allowed this to happen.  We know that God loves us and only wants what’s best for us, so we can trust that it is in His good plans for us.

Do this on an age-appropriate level; it will likely be a shorter conversation with younger kids.  Since my daughters are teenagers, we can really get into a discussion on this – and I did with a daughter who recently faced disappointment.  Let your child know that we can talk to God about this disappointment, and hopefully see it as a way God is growing our trust in Him.

3.  Allow some time to grieve the disappointment.  I’m not talking about whining and pouting or allowing it to drag on for hours.  But even as an adult, I need a few minutes to adjust my thinking and try to get back into a positive mindset when I’ve had a sudden change of plans or gotten disappointing news.  Taking a little while to reframe the situation and adjust our attitudes is helpful.

4.  Think of something new to anticipate.  Part of maturing is learning to bounce back from disappointments.  Once they’ve had a little time to grieve, help them think of something else to look forward to.

With younger children, maybe there’s a distraction, or something fun you can do instead.  Take the focus off of the current situation and begin to look forward to another outing, activity, etc.  Or a good strategy for any situation is to come up with a list of things to be grateful for.

5.  Set a good example.  When you suffer a disappointment, deal with it as you would want your children to do.  Seeing how you handle these situations can help your children as well.

6.  Don’t try to shield your child from ever feeling disappointed.  Disappointment is a fact of life.  We’ll all experience it on multiple occasions.  Helping your child learn to deal with it well will help them as they go through life.  I’d rather them learn now how to handle it rather than have to do it by themselves when they’ve left our home.

Going through disappointments helps our children realize that there are things in life that can be changed and there are those that can’t.  And here’s where my dad’s wise, age-old advice comes in handy.

Attitude is everything.

Adjusting our attitude as we manage our disappointments gives us the capacity to live life greatly!

Do you have other suggestions for handling disappointment?

Related posts:

• When You’re Parenting a Teen Girl, and It’s One of Those Days
• 7 Life Lessons Our Child is Learning from Team Sports
• 3 Parenting Truths for Those Tough Days

While our weather here feels like it’s been summer for a while, I realize the actual season just began last week! Our family is at the point where it feels like we’re actually in summer rather than “just-finished-school” mode.

Summer looks different when your kids are working and driving themselves wherever they want to go. I’m not required to be as hands-on with them as in previous years, but we’re definitely on a different schedule and I have to be a lot more flexible with my time.

How well I remember the days with littles and trying to get something “profitable” done around the house, yet wanting to spend time with our children, too.

None of us can do it all, but I know that as moms we want to make sure we’re fitting in some special family time during these summer months. This list of ten things might help us focus on creating those moments – and they can apply whether we have toddlers or teens!

1. Make a memory.

Not every day, maybe not even every week, but try to think of ways to make a memory with your kids. This could be small, like a trip to a new-to-you ice cream shop or a different playground. Blow bubbles in the park or stock up on glowsticks at a dollar store and play hide-and-seek in the dark.

2. Establish a tradition.

This could actually tie into number one if you wanted it to! Make homemade ice cream every weekend or have build your-own-pizza night on Fridays. Take an after-dinner walk or bike ride in the neighborhood on Tuesdays or organize family game nights on Saturday.

3. Let go of something.

Perhaps Wednesday is laundry day, but your kids are asking for you to play with them. It’s okay to step outside of the routine once in awhile. Give yourself a break. Let go of the regularly scheduled programming and try something different. Maybe lighten up the bedtime routine for the summer or decide to make only simple suppers on weeknights.

4. Be outside.

South Carolina summers are HOT and HUMID. I’m not naturally an outdoorsy girl anyway and pretty much avoid staying outside during the day. But I know my mood is better when I can spend time outside.

Early mornings or late evenings aren’t so bad for a walk or bike ride with the family. If you like to garden, get out and plant flowers or vegetables with your kids.

5. Do something for someone else.

Make a card or art project to send to a grandparent. Bake cookies for a Sunday School teacher. See if a neighbor needs help with their yard or housework.

6. Eat seasonal and local foods.

We eat lots of watermelon at our house in June and July! And I’ve already mentioned ice cream at least twice in this post, but it’s a summer favorite here.

7. Play in water.

We’ve had many kiddie pools over the years! Let your children run through the sprinkler, paint the house (or playset or shed or driveway) with water, or wash the car or their bikes. If you’re near the lake or the beach, that makes it easy!

8. Give extra hugs and kisses.

if your kids are normally in school all day, you now have them at home a LOT more than usual. My teenagers may not appreciate me giving random hugs and kisses, but I can still maneuver around for a side hug or back rub.

9. Work together.

This is probably not going to sound fun to the family, but tackling a project together can be profitable in more ways than one. Clean out the garage, build something, or organize the playroom. You can offer a reward at the end, or just let the satisfaction of a job well done be enough.

10. Pass along truth.

Choose a verse or brief Scripture passage to memorize and study this summer. Read a new Bible storybook with younger kids or find a new devotional one for older kids. We enjoyed books like Wisdom and the Millers (and other books in this series) and Those Kids in Proverbsville. These had stories that were like parables and taught character-building lessons.

While some summer days drag by, the first day of school will be here before we know it. Let’s plan a few things today that will help us when we look back to count this as a successful summer.

Related posts:

• 5 Ways to Make the Most of This Summer
• A Different Kind of Summer; or, When Kiddie Pools and Sand Boxes Don’t Cut It Anymore
• 3 Good Things to Have in Your Home This Summer

*I originally published this post three years ago.  We no longer have an official summer learning program (although our rising high school junior will be working on algebra/geometry and Spanish on her own this summer).

And while I’m working on a reading list for her as well, it definitely looks different for her at 16.

However, I need to keep these five things top of mind this summer just as much as I did back then!*

The countdown is on!

We are wholeheartedly looking forward to the end of the school year.  Just a few more days to go!

I’ve created a summer learning program and written out reading lists for my girls.  But I know that within the first week, things can take a turn for the worse!  Settling into a different routine and figuring out how best to spend our less-regulated days can take a little getting used to.

As the summer progresses, I’m hoping to remind myself often of these five ways to make the most of these few months.  When school starts again in late August, I want us to look back over a summer in which we’ll have created new memories and enjoyed the time we had together.

1.  Realize that our children will never be this age again.  This is the only summer ever that I’ll have a 13-year-old daughter and a 15-year-old daughter living in our house.  We’ll be spending a lot more hours of our day together than we have over the past nine months, so I want to enjoy what they’re enjoying in this season.  I also want to seize opportunities to teach them things they need to learn at these ages.  I can encourage and appreciate their individuality and try to help them develop the strengths God has given them.

2.  Understand that our days will not all unfold exactly as we planned.  We all know I’m a planner; I love a schedule!  But summer has a way of throwing a wrench in my well-thought-out plans.  It might involve bad weather, someone getting sick, or friends canceling a get-together.  I’m hoping that I’ll see these disruptions as God’s hand at work and move on to plan B without too many issues!

3.  Consciously choose our attitude each day. This especially comes into play when #2 happens! I can be grumpy about having to drive the girls somewhere on days I want to stay home.  I can go off like a firecracker when they start arguing.  I can wish that we’d made different plans for the summer.  Or, I can choose joy and gratitude, and try to pass those feelings on to them.

4.  Include what works for our family, not anyone else’s.  Maybe friends are doing crafts every day or going to really cool camps or having family campouts out in the backyard.  (I’m allergic to tents 😉 Those are all good, fun things, but they may not be what our family enjoys or what fits into our lifestyle.  We like backyard badminton and cornhole; homemade ice cream in our simple Cuisinart ice cream maker; a family game night; an after-supper trip to Dairy Queen; or watching reruns of old TV shows.  You do what works for your family without comparing it to what others are doing.

5.  Know that God has something He wants to teach us each and every day.  Whether it’s patience or forgiveness or grace, I want to be more like Him when this summer is over.  Sometimes I struggle with being faithful in my Bible study and prayer time when our regular schedule is disrupted.  I don’t want that to be the case this summer.  In fact, I’m hoping that doing a devotional with our daughters will keep us accountable to each other!

Whenever you begin your summer break, I hope that this season will be a wonderful time for you and your family!  Let me know if you have other ideas I should include to help make the most of our summers.

So maybe you have the perfect teenager. Maybe he or she does everything you ask them to do with a smile and a sweet attitude. Perhaps they never question why they aren’t allowed to do something, or are required to do something else. If that’s the case, you don’t need this post, but I’d certainly like to know your secret!

Admittedly some children are easier to parent than others at any stage. But when you mix a strong-willed child with their growing bid for independence, it can be natural to have disagreements.

Don’t get me wrong; we have good daughters. But we occasionally have different ideas about what they are and aren’t allowed to decide for themselves in these teen years.

And with every parenting post these days, I feel like I need to offer a disclaimer! I’m just a mom of two teenage girls who’s tried different strategies and found this one helpful in our current season. Our girls aren’t perfect children, neither are we perfect parents. Your mileage with this strategy may vary!

This idea comes from the book Inside the Teenage Brain by Sheryl Feinstein. She tells parents to write down the top ten sources of conflict or tension with your teenager. In other words, what do you disagree about the most?

Once you have your list, put each of the ten items into one of three groups.

1. We need to establish a firm boundary here.
2. We can negotiate.
3. We can let this go.

Obviously the goal is to not have all ten items go under number 1!

Every family is different, so what you would put under number 1 will be different than what we would put there. And items may even change categories as our children mature.

You establish a firm boundary with those things that are most important to your family. They’re your Biblical convictions, your family values. This becomes a valuable teaching tool, because you’ll likely get the chance to explain to your teenager why these are so important to you. (And that’s best done in advance, not in the heat of a conflict!)

For example, attending church regularly with the family is a “number 1” item for us. We also have firm boundaries around our girls’ cell phone usage. Does that mean they’ll never have an issue with church attendance or their cell phones? No. But those are examples of areas in which we’re trying to teach them discipline and self-control.

Then there are issues that are negotiable. You and your teenager start with two different viewpoints. You discuss what each side wants or expects, then agree to a solution you can both accept. This is a helpful skill that your teen can carry with them into future relationships!

We might negotiate on things like hairstyles or color; what household chores have to be done, and when; and our younger daughter is currently negotiating for a hedgehog, but she hasn’t convinced us yet!!

Things you choose to let go are those that, in a sense, you just decide aren’t worth the conflict. Yes, you could be on them about every little thing, but that can make for some long, discouraging days.

Things we’ve let go include making our girls have a scheduled bedtime, keeping their rooms neat on a daily basis, and checking behind them to see if their homework is done. Those just aren’t battles I’m willing to fight.

I also noticed that a few of those items I’ve let go actually have natural consequences built in. The shirt you wanted to wear is dirty because you left it in a pile on the floor instead of in the laundry basket? Oh, well. Guess you’ll be wearing something else today. Get a bad grade in Science class because you didn’t turn in an assignment? Hopefully you’ll get the next one done in time.

Now that our oldest daughter is 18, we’re allowing her to make more and more decisions on her own, though there will always be a few non-negotiables if you’re going to live in our house.

The point is I can find 22 things to nag my girls about every day. But that doesn’t contribute to peace in our home. And every time they see me coming, I don’t want them to wonder what I’m going to get on them about now. I want to have many more positive and encouraging conversations than negative ones.

In the end, you’ll experience a lot more conflict if the boundaries you do set aren’t grounded in an actual relationship with your teenager. I’ve heard it said that rules without relationship equals rebellion. If your teen knows you love them and truly want what’s best for them, it will make walking through the conflicts a little easier.

I don’t have fully grown adult kids yet. Maybe some of you do, and have your own tips for handling conflict with teenagers. I’m learning as I go here, and would certainly love to hear your advice. I’ve still got a few years of parenting teens left!

Related posts:

• 4 Bible Verses to Hold on to as We Parent Teenagers
• 10 Simple but Powerful Pieces of Life Advice for Teenagers
• 7 Ways to Help Your Teenage Daughter

Dear Daughter,

The doctors and nurses don’t tell you when you leave the hospital with a tiny newborn baby all that lies ahead of you as a mom. And that’s probably a good thing…

All these years later, we’ve landed in the middle of your teenage years. We’re learning to walk a tight rope between our parental input and your independence.

It’s not easy for any of us. The wisdom that we’ve gained from years of living and your desire to make your own choices clash at times.

And even when you dutifully (and sometimes sweetly) follow our directives, I know you don’t necessarily understand.

You don’t understand…

~ why I remind you to “be careful” nearly every time you get behind the wheel of the car.

~why I want you to text and let me know when you’re leaving the school to drive home after a late night ball game.

~why I said “no” to that sleepover, and the only excuse I had to give you was that it just didn’t feel right.

~why I probably drive you crazy with how often I ask if you’re okay.

~why I want to know where you’re going and who with…all the time.

~why I won’t let you watch that movie or listen to that song.

~why your cellphone has to be in a basket in the kitchen by 10pm.

~why we’ve taught you to budget and work a job instead of just handing you money.

~why I buy you books titled Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For and send you blog posts about not settling for bad relationships and ask you to read them.

~why I pray for you so often (though I know I should be on my knees even more).

When, if God wills it, you have a newborn of your own, you’ll begin to understand. When that cuddly baby becomes a toddler, then a kindergartener, you’ll get it even more.

And when that 16-year-old, license in hand, heads out the door to drive all by herself for the first time, then, my sweet daughter, you will understand.

As hard as it is to believe today, I see you doing many of the same things that right now you think you’ll never do as a mom.

Because your heart will be like mine…overflowing with love for a nearly grown child whom you want desperately to protect from the hurts of life and the scars of sin. A child for whom you want only the best.

And in the process of learning to let go, you, as I do, will find yourself leaning ever more on the God who ultimately has control and who loves that child more than you ever could.

So thank you, in these days when you don’t understand, for being patient with your dad and I. We’re all together in this new stage of the growing-up journey.

You’ll make mistakes, and so will we. But if we keep our relationships with God and with each other front and center, we’ll make this transition successfully. We’ll see you go on to become the amazing adult we know you can be.

Then one day, my dear, I believe you’ll understand. Because you’ll see for yourself that all we did stemmed from a heart of love for the precious daughter you are.

Love,

Mom

Related posts:

• A Letter to My Teenage Daughter: God Made You Special
• A Letter to My Teenage Daughter: Hold On to Your Heart
• 6 Pieces of Advice for a Daughter Who’s Beginning Her Life’s Voyage