I don’t know if it’s just my personality or if this is totally a mom thing.  (Since I’ve seen plenty of laid-back moms, I’m guessing it’s more my own issues.)

Sometimes I feel that my approach to parenting is simply to move from one small crisis to the next, getting worked up over whatever needs to be taken care of in the moment.  Or, if there’s actually nothing I need to be addressing in the present, I’m probably worrying about what the next issue will be!

I think it’s the worst with the oldest child.  As my parents would say, she’s the “learner child.”  Working through problems with her is typically a brand new process for me.  With just two children, I guess my youngest is the only one who will benefit from my (hopefully!) learning from my mistakes.

Essentially, I find that I sometimes make EVERYTHING a big deal.  I’m writing these words today to remind myself to take deep breath, followed by a step back, and remember this advice.

Only make things that really are a BIG DEAL a big deal.  Let the little stuff go.  Not every battle is worth fighting, especially if winning is going to drive a long-lasting wedge into the relationship I have with my child.

Let the BIG DEAL stuff be my big deal, not someone else’s.  To me, eating to a certain level of healthiness and getting enough sleep most nights are a big deal.  Yes, we have PopTarts® in the pantry and chocolate yogurt in the fridge.  But the girls get fruit in their lunch box every day.  Several times a week, I try to serve a vegetable they at least tolerate enough to eat.  And as for getting enough sleep, that’s to benefit me as much as them, ’cause nobody likes to deal with a sleep-deprived, emotional teenage girl!  Someone else’s big deal stuff may be totally different than mine, and that’s okay!

Remain calm and let the drama flow around you.  I can get sucked in to whatever the current issue is…I lost my homework!  My friend won’t play with/talk to me!  My favorite outfit is still in the dirty clothes hamper!  Guess what?  There will be a new drama tomorrow.  But if I get drawn into it, I can’t give good advice or help them see past the problem and come up with a solution.  (Honestly, this is what my husband’s for, too!  He’s much better at remaining calm through it all.)

Hitting milestones ahead of time is fine…but so is letting my child develop at her own pace.  Everything doesn’t have to be a race to be first.  I can encourage my child to excel whenever she can.  But if her ability in a certain area is average, that’s okay.  If she can improve by working hard, great.  But if average is her best in that area, I can deal with that.

Focus on what’s really going to matter when my kids are 30.  That’s their walk with God, their character, their generosity, and their relationships with others.  If I want to be hyped up about something, I should focus on what I can do to grow my children in those areas.

If I’d mastered all this as a mom, I wouldn’t be writing about it!!  I’m sure today will be a challenge in one of these areas, so I’d better print this out and hang it on my refrigerator!

If you haven’t done this yet, check out the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle sale for a great list of homemaking resources at a super price!

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A Prayer for Wisdom in Parenting My Children

Here’s my latest version of “Kids Say the Funniest Things” – and it brought to mind such an important principle for our parenting!

I work with the Kindergarten through Second Grade children at our church on Wednesday nights.  Last week, during Bible verse memory time, I had a 6-year-old girl and a 5-year-old boy in my group.  The girl was studying Philippians 2:14, “Do all things without murmurings and disputings.”

At the top of the page in her Awana book was a picture of a boy with a plate of food in front of him, and some words printed next to the picture describing what the verse was about.  Once she had memorized the verse, I asked her to tell me what it meant.

She glanced up at the picture (obviously not reading the words), and said, “Oh, it means, don’t eat your food too fast.”  I smiled and said, “No, that’s not what it means.”

The little boy started saying, “I know what it means!  I know what it means!”  He’s quite smart for his age, so I figured he probably did.  I said, “Okay, tell me what the verse means.”  He started making stabbing motions toward himself, and said, “It means don’t kill people!”

He obviously mistook the word “murmuring” for “murdering!”  After I gently told him that his description was also incorrect, I explained that the verse meant to do everything without whining and complaining.  Honestly, I think they had two thoughts – they both liked their interpretations of the verse better, and they also probably understood that they’re guilty of whining and complaining at times (aren’t we all!)  What the verse really meant was more convicting than the meanings they had come up with.

This experience reminded me of the importance of explaining God’s Word to our children.  While memorizing Scripture is great, how much more valuable it is when our kids learn to apply those verses in their lives.

Our daughters are at the age now where they sometimes hear views that differ from ours.  Whether it’s from their friends, at their Christian school, through media, or in other arenas, they are slowly being exposed to a wide range of opinions about what’s right and wrong, how they should act, and what they should believe.

Since they’re 16 and 14, my husband and I are able to actually have discussions with them about these topics.  My burden lately is that every time a new question comes up, we will not just share our opinion, but that we will point them straight to the Bible, and share specific verses about why we believe what we believe.  Because in the long run – and actually not long from now for our 16-year-old! – she will have to make her own judgments and decisions about what she will and won’t do, and I want her to decide based on God’s Word.  It’s not enough for her to say “Well, that’s how I was brought up.”  That will fail her at some point.  Her convictions need to be based in the truth of God’s Word if she’s going to stand firm.

Over Sunday lunch, a certain movie was the topic of conversation.  While we had already decided that it wasn’t going to be viewed by our family, I wanted the girls to think it through, and come to a conclusion about why we should or shouldn’t watch it (even if this particular decision had already been made for them).  With teenagers, we are way beyond the point of “Do this/Don’t do this because I said so.”  We are on the threshold of our daughters making all their choices on their own, so it’s vital that we point them to the Bible.  Part of our training them is to help them learn to think critically and apply what they know from the Bible to every situation.

No matter what age your kids are, get them thinking!  Help them understand the Bible, not just regurgitate its facts or spout off verses that they don’t comprehend.  If they’re saved, the Holy Spirit can take the Word of God, use it to convict them of wrong, and show them the right way to live.

Related posts:
6 Ways to Expose Our Children to God’s Word
10 Bible Verses for Little Ones
8 Verses from Proverbs to Teach Your Children

If we’re going to talk about boy/girl relationships, I’ll tell you a bit of my history.

I didn’t really date in high school.  While I found plenty of boys that I liked and that I thought should be interested in me 😉 it was my freshman year of college before I actually started to date.  The Christian college I attended had fairly strict rules, so most of my dates were on campus, and consisted of lots of talking, eating meals together, playing games and/or studying in common areas – or going to church services together, which was where my husband and I went on our first date!

Since I now have a daughter in high school, we get to have some fun conversations about boys.  I encourage both of our girls to get to know guys as friends while they’re in high school, to use these years to learn what types of personalities work well together, and to begin to understand what attributes might be important to them in a future husband.

When it’s time to get serious about the type of guy they want to marry, there are a few qualities that are key.  The neat thing is that this is not a theory I have to explain to our daughters or a lecture they have to sit and listen to me give.  I get to point out these qualities in their dad – so he has a major role in helping define what the right guy is going to look like for them!

Here’s a list of nine traits to help them get started as they consider the type of man they want to marry.

1. He’s a Christian.  Our girls already know the Bible verse (2 Corinthians 6:14) about not being unequally yoked together with unbelievers, so this needs to be the determining factor before their heart and emotions get involved with a young man.

2. He walks with God.  More than just having a salvation testimony, I hope our daughters seek a man who has an authentic relationship with Christ, and who demonstrates that through his words and actions.  For example, since going to a local church to worship God and minister with others has been important to our girls, the man they’re getting to know should have the same interests.

The rest of these traits should naturally flow from this one, but we’ll break them down anyway.

3. Character.  He has a good moral reputation and is a man of integrity.  This is one of the greatest things that my husband models for our girls.  He is determined to always do what’s right in a situation to the best of his ability.

4. Kindness.  It sounds like such a simple thing, but not every guy is going to be genuinely kind to others.

5. Hard worker.  A guy’s work ethic is going to play a very important part in how life goes for their family.  He doesn’t have to start out with a great job making lots of money, but he does need to be willing to work hard and to look for opportunities to improve himself.  Watch out for laziness!

6. Sense of humor.  Life is going to be serious enough; you need someone to laugh with as you go along!

7. Comfortable in his own skin.  Not only do you want someone to laugh with, but you want a guy who can laugh at himself.  He is who he is, and doesn’t “put on airs” to try to impress other people.  A man like this will also be humble enough to ask for forgiveness when he’s done wrong.

8. Not self-centered.  I remember one guy that I dated briefly in college.  He spent most of the few dates we had talking about himself – specifically telling me what a great soccer player he was.  I appreciate that he helped me to see one of the things I didn’t want in a husband, and I’ve already warned my girls about this kind of guy. 🙂

9. Honest.  A lifetime relationship of marriage requires trust.  Don’t just consider how he interacts with you, but watch how he deals with other people.  Is he always looking for a short cut to get things done rather than doing the job thoroughly?  Is he totally up front about all the details when he’s conducting business?

I remind my girls that they’re not perfect, and that there’s no perfect guy out there, either!  You’re not likely going to find an 18-year-old who has matured in every one of these areas, but he can certainly have a heart that is bent toward God, and be pursuing a life that will glorify Him.

God can give our daughters the wisdom and discernment they need as they begin to develop dating relationships in the coming years.  And as for me?  I can be on my knees praying!!

Related posts:
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Sitting around the supper table recently, my family was discussing some memorable “misbehavior moments” from when our girls were younger.  It took me back to those early days of training and correction, when it sometimes felt like nothing was working!  (Not that we still don’t have those days now, but that’s a post for another day 😉

We often hear the term “strong-willed child.”  I would certainly say we have one that fits into that category!  I like this definition from Aha! Parenting.com.

“What exactly is a strong-willed child? Some parents call them “difficult” or “stubborn,” but we could also see strong-willed kids as people of integrity who aren’t easily swayed from their own viewpoints. Strong-willed kids are spirited and courageous. They want to learn things for themselves rather than accepting what others say, so they test the limits over and over. They want desperately to be “in charge” of themselves, and will sometimes put their desire to “be right” above everything else. When their heart is set on something, their brains seem to have a hard time switching gears. Strong-willed kids have big, passionate feelings and live at full throttle.”

While we need to consistently pray for all of our children, sometimes those we would classify as strong-willed drive us to our knees more often than the others. Below, I’ve listed eight ways we can pray for those children in particular, as well as ways we can pray for ourselves as we guide them.  (I’m using the female tense here since I have daughters, but feel free to substitute “he/him” if your strong-willed child happens to be a boy!)

Give me wisdom to parent this child.  James 1:5 promises that God will answer this prayer!  I certainly need wisdom to know how to handle the daily struggles that come when she continually wants her own way, right then, no matter what.

Draw her to Yourself in salvation early in life.  Our ultimate desire in training our children is to have them be willing to submit their will to God’s.  Teaching them to obey authority they can see and hear will hopefully lead to their obeying God and His Word.

Help me to be firm in setting boundaries.   We get tired, and it’s so easy to cave in and just let her do what she wants.  If you’re like me, you just want peace in your family!  Every issue doesn’t need to turn into a power struggle (which is why I need wisdom), but when I take a stand, I need to see it through.

Channel her strong will into courage to stand up for what’s right.  Help me see the positive potential in her nature.  Use her to be a voice for those who are weaker, and to do great things for the cause of Christ.

On those days when I’m exhausted from the constant power struggles, remind me to find my strength in You.  Psalm 22:19 says, “But be not thou far from me, O Lord: O my strength, haste thee to help me.”  God can give us the help and strength we need for each day.

Grow her desire to obey.  So often that’s what it’s all about – obedience. Recognize and praise those times when she actually does do what she’s asked without a fight!

As I parent her, show me how often I put my wishes and desires above Yours, so that I may repent.   I’ve learned more about myself through parenting my children than I ever dreamed I would!!  I’m not nearly as patient and easy going as I might have thought I was before.  Often, God uses situations with my children to show me my own lack of self-control and sinfulness.

Even when it’s hard and I’m frustrated beyond belief, let me demonstrate Your love toward her.   Romans 5:8 tells me that even when I was steeped in my sin, Christ loved me enough to die for me.  No matter how unlovely she is in her moments of rebellion, I can allow the fruit of the Spirit to show love through me to her.

God has placed into our homes exactly the children He wants us to parent.  May we seek His help through prayer every day to train those children in a way that brings Him glory.

Related posts:
A Prayer for Wisdom in Parenting My Children
7 Bible Verses to Remember When You Feel Discouraged as a Parent
4 Things to Do When You’ve Blown It with Your Kids

Do you have any goals for your family?

I’m not talking about a written-down list of what you want to accomplish together, though I think that’s a great idea! The only list of that type we have at the moment is a general list in our heads of trips we’d like to take, places we’d like to visit as a family.

Let’s go deeper than that.  How do you want your family members to feel when you’re all together?  I know that I want each person to feel safe, loved, and accepted exactly as they are. Whether it’s a wacky sense of humor or a deep-seated fear of spiders, we all should feel comfortable being ourselves when we’re together.

I want us to enjoy spending time with each other, to create family memories, to have moments that we can all look back on with shared fondness. I love hearing our daughters talk about memories from their younger years, though that often turns into retelling stories about when they got in trouble for something!

I think we all want to build this sense of love and security into our families.  I need to actively look for ways to cultivate that spirit, so I wrote out a list of ten ways that we can build strong family ties.

 
1.  Pray together.  Here’s a great foundation for the rest of the list!  Our hearts are united as we pray for needs to be met, then rejoice together when prayer is answered.  We all know when someone in the family is going through a difficult time, and it’s a comfort to know that the whole family is praying for you.

2.  Share family meals.  Do this as much as you can when your children are small, even though it will be hard at times and all kinds of messy. 🙂  Speaking from experience, it gets much harder when your kids are teenagers and have practices, games, and other activities in the evening.  These days I really treasure the nights we’re all around the table at the same time!  It’s fun to hear about the girls’ school day, and to just slow down and reconnect after a busy day.

3.  Support each other’s interests.  As much as possible, we all go to the girls’ piano recitals, basketball games, and school concerts.  It’s fun to rehash the highlights together afterwards!  It also helps us be able to encourage each other in our interests.  My parents were wonderful examples of this when I was growing up.

4.  Volunteer as a family.  Whether at church or in the community, take advantage of every opportunity to serve others as a group.  I like to have the girls help me when I work in children’s church, vacation Bible school, or the church nursery.

5.  Read an exciting book aloud.  It’s fun to experience the story together and discuss what might happen next. We might also listen to radio series like Adventures in Odyssey in the car when we’re on long trips.

6.  Set family goals and work toward them together.  You could choose long-term or short-term goals to strive for.  Even manual labor can be fun, if you’re working together towards a goal, like cleaning out the garage so you can have a yard sale to make money for a family trip.  You could also choose a fun project, like putting together a large puzzle.  (Okay, so that’s fun for some people 😉

7.  Have friendly competitions and include a prize for the winner.  Each March, we all fill out NCAA basketball tournament brackets; the person who gets the most points chooses a restaurant for our next night out.  Even though the girls and I aren’t that knowledgeable about which teams are the best, we still have fun competing.

8.  Explore new places.  While an actual vacation is nice, this could also just be a visit to the local zoo or a bike ride at a park you’ve never checked out.  Once they’re old enough, involve your children in the planning of trips and activities when possible.

9.  Respect each other by listening – and not interrupting – when someone else is talking.  This is a valuable skill both inside and outside of our families!  We need to listen to each other and really hear what the other person is saying instead of just forming our answer and sharing our opinion.

10.  Institute family traditions.  If you’ve read here long, you know this is one of my favorite ideas!  Our next tradition on the calendar is in February.  Each of our girls always get heart-shaped boxes of candy from their dad on Valentine’s Day.  I’ve tried to create a certain tradition around every holiday.

As Gretchen Rubin says, “The days are long, but the years are short.”  Let’s gather our families around us and build strong ties that will give us great companions as we walk through life, those who will celebrate our victories and walk with us through our struggles.

(And if you’re having a particularly hard day today, go read The Best Response to ‘The Days Are Long, But the Years Are Short.‘  Because I do remember those days, and they can be really, really long.)

What are other ways we can strengthen ties within our families?

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Have you ever experienced information overload?

I’m a planner by nature.  If my family is taking a trip to a location we haven’t visited before, I want to check out everything the area has to offer – all the hotels, restaurants, and the sights we might want to see.  But it doesn’t take long until I just feel overwhelmed with ALL the information.

There are so many websites to check out – I could get lost in the internet for days.  How do I know which reviews are reliable?  Is that tourist attraction really worth our time?  Is that the best hotel rate I’m going to find?

Here’s my point.  Sometimes we’re so overwhelmed with information that we don’t know where to start.

I believe that as Christian moms, we want to raise wise children.  This doesn’t necessarily involve book smarts; rather, we want them to make good decisions and insightful choices.  I’m glad to know that we don’t have to search all around to find the best ways to teach our children about wisdom.

The book of Proverbs gives us advice for every area of life, from relationships to money to how to conduct business to generosity and self-control.

Below I listed eight verses from Proverbs, each containing a basic principle you can teach to your children.  They’re all fairly short, short enough that you could even memorize them together as a family after you discuss them.  (I’ve included a free printable of these verses at the bottom of this post.)

 
1.  He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed. ~Proverbs 13:20  This boils down to choose your friends wisely.  This is important when our children are young, but even more so as they hit the middle school and high school years.  We become like those we spend our time with.

2.  Lying lips are abomination to the LORD: but they that deal truly are his delight. ~Proverbs 12:22  Tell the truth always, even when it’s hard – and it will be sometimes, even as adults.

3.  He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city. ~Proverbs 16:32  Learning to control your temper takes hard work – and the help of the Holy Spirit.  The second part of this proverb deals with any area of self control.  Handling your emotions wisely is more valuable than being physically strong.

4.  The soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing: but the soul of the diligent shall be made fat. ~Proverbs 13:4  In other words, the lazy man wants lots of things, but has nothing, while the diligent person will be made rich.  Work hard, be thorough, and you will be rewarded.  Gaining wealth isn’t in and of itself a worthy life goal, but it’s typically a byproduct of hard work and perseverance.

5.  He that hath a bountiful eye shall be blessed; for he giveth of his bread to the poor. ~Proverbs 22:9  Bountiful here means “generous.”  When you work hard – as we talked about above – you will be able to be generous, which brings further blessings on your life.

6.  A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favour rather than silver and gold. ~Proverbs 22:1  Your reputation is important.  As Benjamin Franklin said, “It takes many good deeds to build a good reputation, and only one bad one to lose it.”

7.  Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end. ~Proverbs 19:20  Listen to those who are older and wiser than you, and you will learn much.

8.  Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles. ~Proverbs 21:23  How much trouble we would all avoid if we could control what we say!  While it will take more than a lifetime to work on this, it’s good to help our kids begin to understand the importance of the words they use.  Those words can wound or heal, hurt or help.

When our kids were younger, I loved having stories that illustrated the principles in Proverbs.  I haven’t mentioned them in a while, but Wisdom and the Millers and Those Kids in Proverbsville were books of short stories that we enjoyed reading together.

I created a free printable of these eight Proverbs if you’d like to have an easy way to reference it.

Is there another verse from Proverbs that you would add to this list?

Related Posts:
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[This post contains affiliate links. If you click a product link and make a purchase, I receive a small percentage from any sales.  This does not affect your price in any way.]

Dear Daughter,

To quote a famous novel, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”  (You know I’m a Dickens fan, though I’ve never made it all the way through A Tale of Two Cities. 😉

I think that captures what it’s like to be a teenage girl sometimes.

On a good day, life is, like, ultimately good, like, happiness unbounded, like, dancing around the house and hugging your sister.  Yes, that marks the best of times indeed.

Then there are the worst of times.  The tears for no reason…though those are better than the tears flowing because of a friend’s betrayal, or a classroom humiliation, or rejection from some group to which you so desperately wanted to belong.  The worst of times brings self doubt, and a critical eye turned inward, and sometimes, a broken spirit.

I know you think I’m just saying that because I’m your mom…and I am.  But I’m also saying it because it’s true.

In these teen years, while you’re growing and changing and learning who you really are, it’s easy to want to be someone else.  You see what makes a certain girl popular, why that girl has so many friends, how she seems to know just what to say or do to attract boys.  Perhaps it’s that other girl’s confidence when she gets up in speech class or another friend’s ability to excel in every sport that you want for yourself.  And maybe you feel less than, inadequate, because you don’t have those same skills.

It’s so easy to say “be comfortable in your own skin.”  Yet sometimes you can feel like your skin doesn’t fit, that it doesn’t look right to other people, that it’s not who you want to be.

But who you are is special.  God created you.  He tells us in Psalm 139 that we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Yes, you know that phrase, “fearfully and wonderfully made.”  But that’s certainly not always the first thought you have about yourself.  Let’s dig into it for a minute and see what it means.

In the original Hebrew text of the Bible, the word fearfully means with great reverence, heart-felt interest, and with respect. The word wonderfully means unique, set apart, marvelous [Darling Magazine, May 2012]

You were created with great reverence and heart-felt interest,  The very God of the universe is interested in you and in how your life plays out every day.  You are unique and marvelous, a one-of-a-kind creation.  Every personality trait, every quirk, the activities you enjoy, the pursuits you’re really good at ~ they’re all gifts from a Creator who makes no mistakes.

Introverted or extroverted, musical or artistic, a watcher or a doer, detail-oriented or a free spirit, you are the way you are for a reason.  God has a plan for your life, a purpose for you to fulfill, a life to live that no one else can live in the same way.  You’re not exactly like anyone else, and that’s just how it should be.

Remember these three important things.

You are made in the image of God.  Cultivate that part of you that longs for a relationship with Him.  Let His love, peace, and grace seep into your soul.

Be authentic.  Like what you like, be who you are, don’t conform to fit someone else’s standard for you.  Be gracious, kind, and thoughtful, but be you.

Give grace to all those girls around you.  In spite of what it may look like from your vantage point, they have doubts and insecurities just like you do. You might never know how an encouraging word helps them through their own difficult day.

So, on those worst of days, my dearest daughter, take heart.  God has a plan for you, a plan to bring you a future full of hope and promise. (Jeremiah 29:11)  He will never leave you or fail you.  (Deuteronomy 31:8)

And your dad and I?  We’re your biggest fans, your loudest cheerleaders, your prayer warriors.

We love you, just the way you are.

Love,

Mom

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