Parent Archives - Girls To Grow

Just Say No or Let It Go? Limiting Conflict with Your Teenager

March 6, 2019 by Tracey 4 Comments

So maybe you have the perfect teenager. Maybe he or she does everything you ask them to do with a smile and a sweet attitude. Perhaps they never question why they aren’t allowed to do something, or are required to do something else. If that’s the case, you don’t need this post, but I’d certainly like to know your secret!

Admittedly some children are easier to parent than others at any stage. But when you mix a strong-willed child with their growing bid for independence, it can be natural to have disagreements.

Don’t get me wrong; we have good daughters. But we occasionally have different ideas about what they are and aren’t allowed to decide for themselves in these teen years.

And with every parenting post these days, I feel like I need to offer a disclaimer! I’m just a mom of two teenage girls who’s tried different strategies and found this one helpful in our current season. Our girls aren’t perfect children, neither are we perfect parents. Your mileage with this strategy may vary!

This idea comes from the book Inside the Teenage Brain by Sheryl Feinstein. She tells parents to write down the top ten sources of conflict or tension with your teenager. In other words, what do you disagree about the most?

Once you have your list, put each of the ten items into one of three groups.

We need to establish a firm boundary here.
We can negotiate.
We can let this go.

Obviously the goal is to not have all ten items go under number 1!

Every family is different, so what you would put under number 1 will be different than what we would put there. And items may even change categories as our children mature.

You establish a firm boundary with those things that are most important to your family. They’re your Biblical convictions, your family values. This becomes a valuable teaching tool, because you’ll likely get the chance to explain to your teenager why these are so important to you. (And that’s best done in advance, not in the heat of a conflict!)

For example, attending church regularly with the family is a “number 1” item for us. We also have firm boundaries around our girls’ cell phone usage. Does that mean they’ll never have an issue with church attendance or their cell phones? No. But those are examples of areas in which we’re trying to teach them discipline and self-control.

Then there are issues that are negotiable. You and your teenager start with two different viewpoints. You discuss what each side wants or expects, then agree to a solution you can both accept. This is a helpful skill that your teen can carry with them into future relationships!

We might negotiate on things like hairstyles or color; what household chores have to be done, and when; and our younger daughter is currently negotiating for a hedgehog, but she hasn’t convinced us yet!!

Things you choose to let go are those that, in a sense, you just decide aren’t worth the conflict. Yes, you could be on them about every little thing, but that can make for some long, discouraging days.

Things we’ve let go include making our girls have a scheduled bedtime, keeping their rooms neat on a daily basis, and checking behind them to see if their homework is done. Those just aren’t battles I’m willing to fight.

I also noticed that a few of those items I’ve let go actually have natural consequences built in. The shirt you wanted to wear is dirty because you left it in a pile on the floor instead of in the laundry basket? Oh, well. Guess you’ll be wearing something else today. Get a bad grade in Science class because you didn’t turn in an assignment? Hopefully you’ll get the next one done in time.

Now that our oldest daughter is 18, we’re allowing her to make more and more decisions on her own, though there will always be a few non-negotiables if you’re going to live in our house.

The point is I can find 22 things to nag my girls about every day. But that doesn’t contribute to peace in our home. And every time they see me coming, I don’t want them to wonder what I’m going to get on them about now. I want to have many more positive and encouraging conversations than negative ones.

In the end, you’ll experience a lot more conflict if the boundaries you do set aren’t grounded in an actual relationship with your teenager. I’ve heard it said that rules without relationship equals rebellion. If your teen knows you love them and truly want what’s best for them, it will make walking through the conflicts a little easier.

I don’t have fully grown adult kids yet. Maybe some of you do, and have your own tips for handling conflict with teenagers. I’m learning as I go here, and would certainly love to hear your advice. I’ve still got a few years of parenting teens left!

A Letter to My Teenage Daughter: I Think One Day You’ll Understand

February 6, 2019 by Tracey 5 Comments

Dear Daughter,

The doctors and nurses don’t tell you when you leave the hospital with a tiny newborn baby all that lies ahead of you as a mom. And that’s probably a good thing…

All these years later, we’ve landed in the middle of your teenage years. We’re learning to walk a tight rope between our parental input and your independence.

It’s not easy for any of us. The wisdom that we’ve gained from years of living and your desire to make your own choices clash at times.

And even when you dutifully (and sometimes sweetly) follow our directives, I know you don’t necessarily understand.

You don’t understand…

~ why I remind you to “be careful” nearly every time you get behind the wheel of the car.

~why I want you to text and let me know when you’re leaving the school to drive home after a late night ball game.

~why I said “no” to that sleepover, and the only excuse I had to give you was that it just didn’t feel right.

~why I probably drive you crazy with how often I ask if you’re okay.

~why I want to know where you’re going and who with…all the time.

~why I won’t let you watch that movie or listen to that song.

~why your cellphone has to be in a basket in the kitchen by 10pm.

~why we’ve taught you to budget and work a job instead of just handing you money.

~why I buy you books titled Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For and send you blog posts about not settling for bad relationships and ask you to read them.

~why I pray for you so often (though I know I should be on my knees even more).

When, if God wills it, you have a newborn of your own, you’ll begin to understand. When that cuddly baby becomes a toddler, then a kindergartener, you’ll get it even more.

And when that 16-year-old, license in hand, heads out the door to drive all by herself for the first time, then, my sweet daughter, you will understand.

As hard as it is to believe today, I see you doing many of the same things that right now you think you’ll never do as a mom.

Because your heart will be like mine…overflowing with love for a nearly grown child whom you want desperately to protect from the hurts of life and the scars of sin. A child for whom you want only the best.

And in the process of learning to let go, you, as I do, will find yourself leaning ever more on the God who ultimately has control and who loves that child more than you ever could.

So thank you, in these days when you don’t understand, for being patient with your dad and I. We’re all together in this new stage of the growing-up journey.

You’ll make mistakes, and so will we. But if we keep our relationships with God and with each other front and center, we’ll make this transition successfully. We’ll see you go on to become the amazing adult we know you can be.

Then one day, my dear, I believe you’ll understand. Because you’ll see for yourself that all we did stemmed from a heart of love for the precious daughter you are.

Love,

Mom

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Only Three Pennies Left

November 6, 2018 by Tracey 6 Comments

In spite of the title above, this blog post has very little to do with money! But I love a good object lesson, and I wanted to share this one with you today.

Last week I was listening to Eryn Lynum talk about her book 936 Pennies: Discovering the Joy of Intentional Parenting on a podcast episode of Family Life Today.

She shared the story of when she and her husband dedicated their little boy to Christ during a service at their church. The pastor gave each of the families a jar filled with 936 pennies.

He explained that each penny represented one week of their child’s life from the time they were born until they turned 18. At the end of each week, the parents were to remove one penny from the jar. This visual aid was to remind parents of the passing of time and to encourage them to be intentional in how they spent the weeks they had with their children.

As Eryn finished the story, I thought about how our jar would look if we’d been given 936 pennies when our oldest daughter was born.

Right now, there’d be only three pennies left.

It's hard to believe, but our time of hands-on parenting with our oldest child is almost over.
Yes, in just over three weeks, our oldest daughter turns 18.

That’s hard for me to fathom. To visualize a big glass jar, once full of pennies and heavy to lift, now basically empty.

Admittedly, she’ll still be living in our home for another nine months, until she goes off to college. But looking back, I have to ask myself, “How have I spent the last 933 weeks?”

There’s lots of good to look back on. There are certainly also those mom moments that I’m not proud of. Hopefully, those will fade from both her memory and mine.

I have to wonder at this stage if she’s caught the most important things, what really matters in life. And I wonder if I’ve lived before her a Godly example she can follow.

So while I’m taking a moment to look back, there’s room for all of us to look forward.

How many pennies are left in your child’s jar? Maybe you’ve only taken out a handful, perhaps it’s half full, or maybe, like me, the jar is almost empty.

Regardless of how what your jar looks like, you get to choose how you parent today.

Let’s remember the overall lesson here. Be intentional in our parenting. For whatever time you have left with your child in your home, purposely decide what’s most important to you that they learn. Keep the list small, and refer to it often. Maybe it’s simply five things, that could look something like this.

~ God loves you.

~ Character counts.

~ Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

~ Attitude is everything.

~ God is always good.

These are just some of my ideas, but you can come up with your own list. What are the values you want your child to have ingrained in their heart when you pull that last penny out of the jar? Make your times of discipline, the teachable moments, every meaningful interaction with your child tie back to one of these principles.

Instead of mindlessly letting the weeks go by, we want to seize the opportunity to train and guide our children in the way that they should go.

And while there are only three pennies left in our oldest daughter’s jar, I’d like to think there’s something else in there. It’s the unseen grace of God that’s covered each day of her life. For even if I’d tried to seize every moment of every week, I’d still have things I wish I’d done better or lessons I know I should have taught her.

But praise God, it’s not all up to me. God’s grace covers those weeks when I lost my temper or was too lazy to grab that teachable moment. It was also His grace that allowed me to connect with her heart and share truths from God’s Word.

And when there’s only an empty jar left, He’ll continue to work in her life. As for me, I’ll continue to pray for and influence her in the best way I know how.

So let’s visualize our jars of pennies and look for ways to be intentional in our parenting. Then remember to thank God for His grace that covers it all.

When You’re Parenting a Teen Girl, and It’s One of Those Days

October 18, 2018 by Tracey 7 Comments

I am NOT an expert on teenage girls. In fact, I don’t know that I’m much of an expert on anything, except maybe finding the best desserts at a buffet (ha!)

We have our rough days around here just as often as anyone else does. But I hope that after parenting one daughter through five of the seven teenage years, and another through three, that I’ve learned a little something.

I do know that each child provides a very different parenting experience. Their personalities play a big part in how much they challenge authority, how they respond to correction, and pretty much every other part of the process!

Some are easy-going, naturally want to please, and seek to avoid conflict. They may seem easier to parent, but I think they sometimes cover up what’s going on inside. Other daughters put it all out there, never leaving you to wonder what’s going on with them!

As a mom, I continue to be a work in progress. But here are a few helpful ideas I’ve discovered along the way.

Five tips for parenting a teen daughter when it's one of those tough days.

1. Wait for a calm moment to address the issue.

In the heat of the moment, when emotions run high, I’m likely to say something I shouldn’t. And my daughter’s not going to be listening to my advice/correction, because her focus is totally on how unfair I’m being, how her life is falling apart, etc. (You get the idea.)

This waiting thing goes against my nature, because I want to settle things right away and move on. But over and over (I’m a slow learner), I’ve found out that nothing productive comes of jumping right in to the discussion. Better to let both of us take time to process the situation. When she’s calm, she’s much more likely to think like an adult, and something productive can be accomplished.

2. Know that being the parent isn’t always fun or easy.

Sometimes it means saying “no,” and being very unpopular with your daughter for a while. Other times, it may mean insisting she follow through with something she doesn’t want to do.

I don’t want to sound all “gloom and doom,” because there are so many great parts of having a teenage daughter. But the advice you’ve probably heard before is true…your child needs a parent, not another friend.

3. Realize that she’s listening to you more than you think she is.

How do I know this? Because she’ll bring up something I said when I thought she was paying no attention to me whatsoever. That can be good – as in, “Wow, you really are learning something!” Or it can go the other way – as in, “Oh, no, you really did hear me say that!”

4. Understand that she can get just as overwhelmed by stress and busyness as you do.

Our teenagers have a lot going on in their lives. Between school, sports, work, and other extra-curricular activities, our daughters can get very busy. Not only that, they’re learning to drive (a huge responsibility!) and beginning to make decisions about their future.

They may have high expectations for themselves, and not meeting those goals can bring disappointment. It’s not an excuse for disrespect or poor behavior, but make sure you try to understand all that they’re dealing with on a daily basis.

5. Recognize that only God can change her heart.

If you ever lived under the illusion that you were in control of your child’s life, now is the time you realize you have none. The older and more independent they become, the more you realize that they have the power to make good choices or bad ones.

So pray. This is what I need to remember every. single. day. We’re neck-deep in the season of college choice and “what should I major in.” I’m not arrogant enough to think that I know God’s will for her life. It is for Him to do His work in her heart… and for her to allow it.

I can’t soften her heart any more than I can control her emotions. Only the Holy Spirit can do that. And honestly, isn’t that a relief??? While I have a responsibility to teach her about our Savior, and to train her in His commandments, it’s the work of God to grow her in her faith.

For you mamas who’ve already parented a teenage girl through a few rough days, I’d love to hear your perspective. This non-expert mama enjoys hearing from those who’ve walked this road before me!

Choosing a Bible Verse to Pray for Your Child in the Coming School Year

August 3, 2018 by Tracey 4 Comments

So, I had a moment last night.

My husband and I were home alone. After we cleaned up the kitchen from supper, I felt drawn to our older daughter’s bedroom. I went in, sat down on the bed, and started praying for her.

My heart was overwhelmed with several things. First of all, my love for her. Secondly, the reality that just over a year from now, she’ll no longer be living in that room full-time. She won’t be in and out during the day, or returning every night to sleep in her bed. What’s ahead is the next right step, but it didn’t stop the tears from flowing.

I asked God to bless her, to draw her close to Him, to guide and protect her. Then I wrote her a letter, sharing my heart, and left it under her pillow for her to find when she got ready for bed.

All of that coincided with what I heard on the podcast Grit ‘n’ Grace Girls earlier in the day. Co-host Amy Carroll shared an idea she got from the book The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children. She said the author suggested choosing one Bible verse to pray for your children each year. Amy had taken that challenge for her sons, and shared the verses she had chosen.

While my children aren’t adults yet, they’re getting close! I really like this idea. And with the start of a new school year in a couple of weeks, I figured it would be a great time to initiate it. Even if your children are younger, this might be something you’d want to do, too.

What would you like to see developed in your child's life this school year? Pray about it, using God's Word.

For my 17-year-old, I chose Proverbs 3:5-6.

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

She has so many decisions to make as she enters her senior year of high school. She needs direction. While I won’t pray these exact words every day, I thought it would be helpful to write out the general idea for my prayer.

Dear God,

Please help our daughter to trust in you with all her heart. Don’t let her lean on her own understanding, but help her to acknowledge you in all her ways. We know that if she does that, you have promised to direct her paths. Your Word assures us that the only way to true joy and happiness is in following your will. May we as her parents encourage her to trust you, and allow you to guide her steps.

For our 15-year-old, I chose Proverbs 4:23.

“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.”

She’ll be entering her sophomore year of high school. I think this is an age where it’s easy to get caught up in all the high school activity. Time goes into friendships, studying, homework, and extracurricular activities. It’s easy to let the spiritual side slide. Here’s my prayer for her.

Dear God,

Help our daughter keep her heart, and be diligent in protecting it. Give her wisdom and discernment to seek out good influences and run from bad ones. May she realize the importance of what she allows into her life and her mind. May her relationship with you grow and flourish this year.

I realize that I’ve written a lot about praying for our children on the blog! Here are five of my favorite posts on this topic from the past.

5 Prayers to Pray for Your Children Every Day

10 Prayers to Pray for Your Daughter

A Prayer for Wisdom in Parenting My Children

A Mom’s Prayer for Today

Praying God’s Blessings on My Family

Is there a Bible verse you’d like to pray for your children in the upcoming school year?

4 Bible Verses to Hold on to as We Parent Teenagers

July 2, 2018 by Tracey 8 Comments

I’m writing fewer and fewer parenting posts these days. Which is interesting, considering that each day that passes gives me more experience as a parent. But it also reveals how little I know when it comes to raising these children that God has given us.

I used to think I knew a lot about being a mother. In the early years, most decisions were clear-cut. It’s fairly straightforward to discipline my child when she’s directly disobeying me, lying, or being mean to her sister.

Yet the older they get, the more that changes. I see parenting as less and less formulaic. Our approach depends more on the personality of that child, as well as their maturity level, and their history of making (or not making) wise decisions.

It’s become less and less about parenting through authority, and a lot more about exercising influence. Each year that passes has us releasing a little more control to them to make their own decisions.

All that to say that more than ever, I need guidance from God’s Word. The four Bible verses below are a foundation I know I need to return to again and again when I’m unsure of what to do. They apply no matter what stage of parenting we’re in, but have certainly become even more treasured as my girls get older.

When I'm struggling as a parent, these verses remind me that God has the answers I need.

“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” ~James 1:5

I need this verse every. single. day. I took part of this verse and made it the pass code for my smart phone. That way, every time I put it in, I’ll remember to pray for wisdom!

This verse is a promise. I simply have to recognize that I lack wisdom (not a problem!) Then I ask in faith, believing that God will give me wisdom, and He will. My husband and I have both experienced times when we were dealing with one of our daughters, and God gave us insight in that moment that we hadn’t had before!

“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.” ~Hebrews 4:16

When it comes to parenting situations, I don’t always feel like I’m coming boldly…it’s more like crawling up to God’s throne begging for help! But that’s the place we need to be if we want to find the grace we need to get us through the hard days.

This also reminds me of the daily grace God provides to us, even when we sin yet again. In that same way, I need to extend grace to my daughter when she messes up…and she will. I don’t live perfectly, so why do I expect her to do so? While our children’s actions will produce consequences, it’s not wise to hold them over their heads or continually bring them up. We deal with it, we move on, and give grace.

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~Romans 8:38-39

Paul was persuaded that nothing could separate him from God’s love. The same is true of me, and of my children. No matter how they’re acting today (that’s driving me crazy) or the poor decision they made that I’m having to deal with, God still loves them.

And when, as parents, we lose our temper or miss an opportunity to invest in our children, God’s love for us is still there. It’s constant and comforting.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

There may be a day when we experience disappointed hopes and dreams. Our children’s lives may not be playing out in the way we’d hoped. Our relationship with them may look different from what we’d mapped out in our minds when our children were little.

But God thinks about our children. He has thoughts about them, and plans for their future. Each part of their story can be used for His glory…as can ours.

How thankful I am for God’s Word that gives us hope and comfort for every situation we face!

Three Good Things to Have in Your Home This Summer

June 8, 2018 by Tracey 3 Comments

We managed to fit a whole bunch of stuff into the first week of summer break!!

We packed up all the leftover notebook paper and locker shelving, had the first summer piano lesson, made homemade ice cream, spent an hour at a cat cafe downtown, swam in our neighborhood pool, stayed up late to watch a movie, ate snow cones, shopped for clothes and sunscreen for camp, visited friends, and stocked up on books from the library.

Now you know why there was no blog post earlier this week!

I attended high school graduation at our daughters’ school on June 1st. My prayer that night was that God would bless the coming 12 months, the next 364 days (my daughter and friends already started a countdown : ) until our oldest graduates from high school.

I’m a realist. I know that every moment won’t be sweet. There will likely be just as many – and probably more! – ups and downs as there were during her junior year. But, as much as possible, I want to savor the days. Life already looks so much different than it did just a few short years ago.

Our girls chose to bring their band instruments home from school for the summer. Which means that if you walk into our house right this minute, you’ll see two saxophone cases lined up by the wall in our living area. And there’s the music stand I just ordered them from Amazon. Along with a wicker basket full of music books and sheet music.

As I walked past this unplanned music corner, I realized that we show our families what’s important to us by the space we give things in our homes. While looking around, I thought of three things I hope we’ve provided – and continue to provide – for our daughters.

(And by the way, I think these are also important if it’s just you and a spouse, or even if you live alone!)

1. Good music.

Music can set the atmosphere in our homes. I’ve mentioned before that I like to play music in the mornings while everyone’s getting ready for work and school. (Sadly, this doesn’t come naturally for me! I’d gotten fairly bad at remembering to do this by the end of the school year.)

We also get to enjoy live music in our house. Both girls play the piano and saxophone, and one of them brought home a flute for the summer (because why not add another instrument???) Going to concerts, musicals, or band concerts can also be a fun family outing.

I’m not here to define what “good” music is for you. I know that just within our family, we like different styles of music. With any kind of entertainment, I try to consider Philippians 4:8.

“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

2. Good books.

We are a family who loves to read! It’s been a constant struggle to find age-appropriate books for our girls through the years since they go through books so fast!

Just like when I was a girl, fiction is their favorite, and I always want them to embrace the joy of getting lost in a good story. However, we make sure to include non-fiction in their assigned summer reading so that they can cultivate a taste for that as well.

Here are some of the books our daughters (ages 17 and 15) are reading this summer.

Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot

How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Choosing Gratitude by Nancy Leigh DeMoss

A Young Woman’s Guide to Making Right Choices by Elizabeth George

Lessons from Madame Chic by Jennifer L. Scott

Love Your Life, Not Theirs by Rachel Cruze

3. Good conversation.

Taking the time to sit down and talk with each other is a great way to stay connected. Many of our family’s conversations revolve around mealtimes. Sunday lunch, which we usually eat out at a restaurant, is a prime time for catching up on life or talking about plans for the week ahead.

We try to eat supper together as many weeknights as possible – though it doesn’t happen as often with both daughters involved in extracurricular activities, and one of them working a job as well. Conversation topics range from what happened during the day to news or sports (my older daughter’s currently interested in the NBA playoffs) or what I heard on a recent podcast.

When our daughter comes in from work at night, we try to be available to hear about her day. Occasionally I plan “mom-and daughter” conversations, and grab a few minutes with my girls to discuss a particular topic. I’ve found it much better to make those talks as informal as possible!

Whether your summer’s off to a slow or a fast start, I hope you’ve had a great week! Let me know what good things you’re keeping around your house this summer.

10 Simple But Powerful Pieces of Life Advice for Teenagers (that work for their parents, too)

May 23, 2018 by Tracey 8 Comments

My teenagers aren’t always (if ever!) sitting around waiting to soak up any parental wisdom that comes out of my mouth. They’re more likely to be too involved in what’s going on in their own lives to let me “bless” them with my advice.

But on the off-chance that they want me to share a bit of knowledge with them, I decided to be ready. I rounded up some quotes that are short, sweet, and to the point, yet pack a powerful punch. It’s ten pieces of life advice to help them navigate the coming years with a healthy perspective on what’s truly important.

1. “Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” ~Corrie Ten Boom

Here’s a great place to plug-in one of my favorite Scriptures, Proverbs 3:5, 6. “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.”

The more we know about God – His goodness, love, and mercy – the easier it is to trust Him with our future. That future could be as close as tomorrow, and as far away as eternity.

2. “Wherever you are, be all there.” ~Jim Elliot

Don’t spend your time wishing you were somewhere else or with a different person. In other words, live in the moment. Instead of longing for the past or wishing for the future, embrace the exact circumstances God has placed you in today.

3. “Expect nothing and appreciate everything.” ~Unknown

This ties together contentment and gratitude, two of the most valuable traits a person can have. When we place too many expectations on a person or a particular circumstance, we’re often disappointed. And living with a grateful heart will keep us focused on how blessed we are.

4. “Wisdom makes decisions today that will still be good tomorrow.” ~Lysa TerKeurst

This is the quote that led me to write this post. Teenagers especially can make decisions that feel good in the moment. But if they will take the time to think about where the consequences of that decision might lead, they can determine if it’s a wise decision or not.

I find myself needing this advice, though I’m supposedly older and wiser! From the words I say to the things I do – if I’ll look back tomorrow and wish I hadn’t said or done it, I shouldn’t do it in the first place.

5. “Fill your life with adventures, not things. Have stories to tell, not stuff to show.” ~Unknown

We’ve found that experiencing events together as a family is usually much better than giving physical gifts. We’ll always have great memories of outings and travels that we’ve had during these years of our children living at home. I hope we’re passing on to them a love for sharing adventures with those closest to them.

6. “Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don’t.” ~Bill Nye

My dad exemplifies this one. He is just as interested in talking to and getting to know his car mechanic as he is the VIP of a Fortune 500 company. Strive to learn something from each person that you meet.

7. “Go the extra mile. It’s never crowded.” ~Wayne Dyer

Don’t try to get by with doing as little as possible to finish the job. Give your all in everything you do, and you’ll stand out. Follow the advice of Ecclesiastes 9:10. “Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might…”

8. “Be somebody who makes everybody feel like a somebody.” ~Robby Novak

Humility and thoughtfulness are qualities that seem rarer than ever these days. Smile at people. Thank anyone who does the smallest thing for you. Just notice other people, and go out of your way to make them feel special.

9. “Don’t get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.” ~Dolly Parton

Prioritize people and relationships over work. Let the to-do list go at some point in the day, and just enjoy being with your people.

10. ”Attitude is the difference between an ordeal and an adventure.” ~Bob Bitchin

Or, as my dad often told us, attitude is everything. You can make the best of a situation, or you can bring yourself and everyone around you down. The choice is up to you. (I need this advice plastered on my wall!)

Hopefully I can continue to work these ideas into future conversations with my teenagers. If you have any bits of life advice you’ve found helpful, share them with us in the comments!

Parenting Is Not About Making Me Look Like a Good Mom

April 4, 2018 by Tracey 4 Comments

Have you ever parented through a really tough season? Ever been ready to just throw up your hands because you don’t know how to deal with your child?

If so, I’m right there with you!

I currently have two teenagers. You may have a toddler, a seven-year-old, a pre-teen, or one of each. Regardless, we may sometimes need to stop and ask ourselves, “Why am I parenting the way that I am?”

Sometimes I find that I’m not parenting for my child’s sake. I’m not disciplining and discipling them for their own good and for God’s glory. Instead, I’m parenting for other people. I care more about what outside observers think of me as a mom than I do about what’s best for my child and our family situation.

In other words, if I’m parenting so that people will think we have the “perfect” family and that I’m a great mom, then I’m missing the point.

But for me, this can be hard.

I want people to think I’m a good mom. I can get caught up in worrying about how my child’s behavior reflects on me. If she’s obeying, following all the rules while smiling and being respectful, I look like a good mom. On the other hand, if she’s throwing a temper tantrum in the grocery store aisle – or worse, in the church nursery – people will think I’m a “bad” mom.

But our kids are people who are going to make mistakes. They will make poor choices, and sin…just like we do. But if they make those mistakes now, while they’re living in our homes, we can process them together. We can find truth in God’s Word to guide us, and hopefully turn the situation into a valuable life lesson.

The closer I get to releasing teenagers out into the world to fend for themselves, the more I see that it is THE GRACE OF GOD that makes the difference in our parenting.

Are we responsible to train our children to the best of our ability and to set a Christ-like example for them to follow? Absolutely.

But no matter how hard we try, we’re never going to do that perfectly. I’m human. So are you. We’re going to blow it way more times than we’d like.

But God can use even that to show our children that they, too, need to repent and ask forgiveness. Sometimes they’re going to mess up quietly, and hardly anyone will know about it. And sometimes it may be spectacularly, where everyone knows.

In either case, they need to know that we as parents still love them, and are there for them. We walk through the struggle together. So much more important than what other people think is the relationship I have with my child, and the relationship we each have with God.

And one of the best – yet hardest – parts of all this is how God is changing me through parenting. I’ve grown in trusting Him, in understanding grace, in realizing how much I need His wisdom. He gave me my individual kids with their unique personalities for a reason. I believe a big part of that is to show me how weak I am on my own, and how much I need Him to help me on a daily basis.

So here are a few things to remember when we start to focus on what others think of us as a mom.

Be kind to other parents. Most of us are just trying to get this right, and doing the best job we can. Lose the judgment, and be encouraging instead.
Parent your children according to Bible principles. God knows more than anyone else about the best way to teach and train our kids.
Let your kids fail sometimes. Don’t micromanage their lives so much that they never get a chance to learn the consequences that come from making a mistake. Whether it’s forgetting their homework or not turning in that sports form on time, there’s rarely a better way to learn a life lesson than having to deal with the consequences.
Don’t assume you know the whole situation, in your own family or someone else’s. When dealing with your own child, don’t jump to conclusions. Make sure you know exactly what happened. And if you see someone else’s child struggling in some way, don’t assume that the parents don’t know or don’t care. Give grace to that family in the same way you’d want grace shown to yours.
Live honestly and sincerely before your kids. Teenagers especially can spot a hypocrite a mile away. Ask your children for forgiveness when you’ve wronged them. Let them know you face some of the same struggles they do.

As we parent our precious children, may God give us wisdom to do what’s best for them. And may we all grow together in loving one another, and in glorifying God with our lives.

Parenting with a Spirit of Grace

March 15, 2018 by Tracey 5 Comments

Don’t tell my kids this, but when I was a senior in high school, my best friend and I skipped school one afternoon. We went to her house because both of her parents worked, so nobody was at home. We ate some snacks, and watched a movie.

I had to be back at dismissal time to pick up my younger brother, so we were only gone for a couple of hours. But things took a turn for the worse when the school principal called my friend’s house, and she answered the phone. (Not the smartest move when no one’s supposed to be home!!)

I remember a lot of things from that experience, but one of the most memorable is the way my dad handled it. I’m sure he was disappointed that I’d made a poor choice, but there was no shaming or hefty punishment. We talked about it, and he just seemed to believe that I wouldn’t make that same choice again. He was right.

Would he have been justified in taking away my access to the car or denying me some of my other freedoms? Of course. But in my eyes, he gave me grace.

Denny Kenaston, in the book The Pursuit of Godly Seed, takes a chapter to contrast the Old Testament covenant of the law with New Testament grace, and relates them to parenting.

Listed below are just a few of the points he makes as he explains the differences between parenting by law and parenting by grace.

“The spirit of law discourages; the spirit of grace encourages.”

We can be our children’s chief encouragers! Constantly critiquing them causes them to lose confidence, and can keep them from wanting to try new things. And while we definitely have to correct them at times, we can do it in a way that isn’t a personal attack.

I’ve learned that timing is another important key to correction. It’s like the old saying, “Don’t kick him when he’s down.” If he’s had a rough day, it’s okay to wait a little while before addressing a problem.

“The spirit of law is never good enough; the spirit of grace blesses each new step.”

If, like me, you have a bent toward perfectionism, this can be an easy trap to fall into. Your child can feel like they have a hard time meeting the “perfect” standard you’ve set for her. We certainly want our children to do their best, but they are, after all, kids.

This reminds me of another saying, “Praise progress, not perfection.” Find ways that they’re improving or just notice that they’re really trying to do better, and cheer them on.

“The spirit of law criticizes; the spirit of grace gives the benefit of the doubt.”

Assume the best. Look for the good in your child. I think of how awful it would be for me to live under a spirit of criticism, and I certainly don’t want that for my daughters.

“The spirit of law exposes sin and remembers it; the spirit of grace forgives and forgets.”

Try not to bring up the past in a bad way. “You never obey me. This is exactly what happened last week, and you still haven’t learned your lesson.” If you’ve dealt with the previous experience, move on, and don’t refer back to it.

After all, do I want my children to remember the times I’ve spectacularly failed as a mom? Do I want them to remind me of the time when I raised my voice or totally lost my patience? No. So let me give them the same consideration.

“The spirit of law is performance oriented; the spirit of grace is relationship oriented.”

Our love for our children shouldn’t be based on how they’re acting today. It’s not, “I love you (because you’re being good/obeying me/making me look like a good mom).” I want our girls to know that they are loved no matter what.

That means I’m taking the time to listen to them and take an interest in what they’re doing. As long as we have a relationship with our children, we can still have influence in their lives, even as they go through the teenage years and beyond.

So how can we, practically speaking, parent in grace today?

1. Say something encouraging to your child about a specific action he takes or a character trait he displays. (“Thank you for taking your plate to the sink without me asking you.” “I like how diligent you are to put your book bag away when you get home from school.”)

2. Don’t re-do any task they’ve already completed. Just leave it like it is, and thank her for doing it.

3. Assume your child had a good day at school, and don’t ask if he got into trouble.

4. If you need to discipline your child, don’t bring up any past bad behavior in the process.

5. Find one way to show your child how important she is to you. It could be as simple as an extended hug, reading an extra story at bedtime, baking together, or putting a note or special treat in their lunch box.

Rules and discipline are a necessary part of life. But let’s show our children that there’s also love, encouragement, and forgiveness for them in our homes. Just as Jesus has extended his “grace beyond measure” to me, a sinner, so may I live out that grace in all of my relationships.