Can I go to the mall with some friends on Saturday?

What time do I have to be home after the game?

Do I still have to text you when I get where I’m going?

How old do I have to be to…(go on a date/ride in a car with a friend who just got her license/take a three-hour road trip with friends/etc, etc, etc)?

My husband and I have been asked some version of these questions – and many others! – over the last five years. In two weeks, our daughters will be 20 and 18. We are definitely still in the process of giving our girls their independence!

Today I’m sharing eleven things we’re learning as we go through this process. I’ll likely need to update it in another few years! And since I’m a girl mom, that’s my perspective here. But I think many of these apply to teenage sons as well.

1. Cover your daughter in prayer.

Let’s start with the absolute most important thing! Pray for your daughter. God has brought us to this point in our parenting. He is the one we can trust to walk with our children through whatever these teen and young adult years hold.

Our Heavenly Father, who loves our daughters even more than we do, is always with them, even when we are not. His Holy Spirit can work in their lives and guide them when we cannot. Let’s continually pray that they will be open to His leading. (Here are three prayers based on Scripture that we can pray as we’re learning to let go of our teenagers.)

2. Get wisdom.

Go to your Bible. Read passages about the wise and the foolish in Proverbs. Look for Scriptural principles that will help you make good decisions. Ask counsel from older moms you respect who have already walked through this season of life.

And while we pray for our daughters, let’s also pray for ourselves. Ask God to grant us wisdom to release them in a way that will honor Him and be good for our girls.

3. Give independence a little at a time.

It’s like learning to drive. You start out in a large, empty parking lot. Then it’s on to quiet, neighborhood streets, followed by slightly busier roads, a four-lane highway, and finally the interstate!

This applies to many areas from having cell phones to participating in certain activities to how often they can go out with friends. Don’t throw them in the deep end, so to speak. Slowly allow them to have more privileges…once you’ve dealt with number four.

4. Have some definite boundaries that don’t change.

These will vary based on your family and situation. But whatever you determine your boundaries are, communicate them clearly to your teenager. It could be a curfew, rules about driving, or places they’re not allowed to go alone.

Even though our children likely won’t understand, we can explain that we’ve set these boundaries for their own protection. Also share how you’re feeling about the letting go process and challenge them to build trust by following the guidelines you’ve set.

5. Base privileges on her level of responsibility.

In our married life, my husband and I have owned one dog. We had her until right before our now 17-year-old daughter was born. Since then, for various reasons, we’ve never had a pet.

However, when our college freshman daughter came home because of the pandemic back in March, she bought a fish. (That counts as a pet, right??) Now she’s preparing to come home between semesters and wants to bring the hamster she and her roommate currently have. Because she regularly took care of that fish (meaning I never smelled anything weird in her room, which is my litmus test), we don’t have a problem with that.

That’s a minor example, but you get the point. As our daughters prove themselves able to handle a little independence, we give them more.

6. Let her make some decisions on her own.

How late can she stay up at night? Can she sleep in on Saturday and skip that extra sports practice? At some point, she has to work out in her mind if she would rather get that extra sleep or deal with the consequence of not getting to start in the game because she missed practice. I’m good at trying to impose what I think she should do, but at a certain age, she needs to own her decisions.

You can feel pretty good about yourself as a parent when they make what you deem is the right decision. However, you’ll remain humble because…

7. Know that she’ll likely mess up a time or two.

You’ve given her a curfew and she’s late. You told her to text you when she was leaving her friend’s house, and she forgot. We’re not perfect and neither are they. I heard someone say recently, “As parents, we’re just sinners raising sinners.” It’s okay to give grace occasionally, but…

8. Allow natural consequences to happen.

If her poor decision has repercussions, don’t rescue her from them. I think the lesson is most effective if it’s a natural consequence, but that doesn’t always happen. If you’ve agreed that a certain restriction will be enforced for a particular action, follow through.

9. Maintain some oversight until she’s proven she can handle her independence.

Our children build trust by being responsible. One easy example is cell phones. While we haven’t managed them perfectly, we tried to guide our girls by maintaining the ability to check their texts or monitor their Instagram account, especially as they were starting out. As they handled those things well, we felt there was less of a need to oversee it. However, that would change if they were misusing their phones.

10. Have frequent conversations about how her decisions now can impact her future.

Teenagers tend to live in the moment, so it’s up to us as the adults to help them think long-term. Now she’s likely not going to be excited about these conversations, but bring them up anyway – especially when she’s a captive audience, like when you’re in the car together or eating out at a restaurant.

11. Be excited with her as she experiences new milestones.

The first time each of our daughters drove off in the car by herself, I was a nervous wreck! I prayed from the time they left the driveway until they got back home!! Yet they were each thrilled with the independence that came from driving, so I made sure to be excited with them.

Offer your love, support, and encouragement. After all, this is what we’ve been working toward all these years. What a blessing to see our daughters growing up, learning to be independent, and stepping into all that God has for their future!

Related posts:

• 8 Truths to Teach Our Teenagers from Proverbs 13
• 10 Tips for Communicating with Teenagers
• 10 Bible Verses to Pray When Your Teenager Needs Direction

We’re one month into our youngest daughter’s senior year of high school, and the countdown is on. Not literally, because I’m not ready to actually dwell on that yet! But in the back of my mind, I know that we’re now looking at months – not years – before she steps out on her own.

As parents, we have a lot we want to teach our children in the eighteen or so years while they live in our homes. There are some practical skills that will come in real handy for them – like brushing their teeth, doing laundry, and driving a car. But there are also character traits we want them to develop as they mature.

Teaching our children truth from the Bible is much more valuable than just giving our opinion or sharing our life experiences, though those can be helpful. When our children are young, we can introduce principles very simply, ideally in the form of a story. Isaiah 28:9-10 talks about teaching “precept upon precept…line upon line…here a little, and there a little.” As they become teenagers, we can move into deeper conversations.

I recently went through Proverbs and found seven principles that our children can benefit from. There are many more in this particular book of the Bible, but these are a good place to start.

1. You need to guard your heart.

“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” ~4:23

We have to be proactive in setting a guard. In other words, be on the lookout for things that would turn you away from following God. To me this especially means guarding your thought life. Protect it from sinful influences. This could help you explain to your child why your family doesn’t watch certain movies, read particular books, or listen to some styles of music. What we think about comes out in our words and actions.

I pray this verse daily for one of our daughters, that she will diligently guard her heart. Negative emotions like fear, doubt, or a lack of confidence can also cause infiltrate our hearts and cause us to make poor decisions.

2. Sin makes you a slave.

“His own iniquities shall take the wicked himself, and he shall be holden with the cords of his sins.” ~5:22

We think freedom comes when we get to choose whatever we want to do. Let’s help our children understand that when we choose sin, it eventually makes you do whatever it wants you to.

Too often we think we can commit a sin once or twice, and then walk away from it, but that’s rarely the case. As Christians, we can get the victory, but it takes God’s grace and the power of the Holy Spirit.

3. Laziness makes you poor.

“How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? when wilt thou arise out of thy sleep? Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep: So shall thy poverty come as one that travelleth, and thy want as an armed man.” ~6:9-11

Here are the basics. Work hard. Be responsible. Get rich quick schemes don’t work. Let me just add that as parents, one of the qualities we most value in a potential spouse for our children is someone who knows the value of hard work.

4. Don’t talk too much.

“In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.” ~10:19

We’ve all had times when we said something we immediately wished we could take back. That goes back to the old adage of “think before you speak!” And no one likes being around a person who doesn’t have an off button! If you talk alot, something you say is going to get you into trouble. And an easy way to be wise is just to get control of your tongue. (Much easier said than done!)

5. Be generous.

“The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.” ~11:25

Give. Not just your money, but your time. No matter how little you think you have, it would appear abundant to someone else. Look for ways to bless others, and you’ll find that you’re blessed as well.

6. If you go looking for trouble, you’ll find it.

“He that diligently seeketh good procureth favour: but he that seeketh mischief, it shall come unto him.” ~11:27

Let your child know that their reputation proceeds them, even at a young age. Don’t let yourself be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Pay attention to the people you hang around with and the situations you put yourself in.

7. Listen to wise advice.

“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.” ~12:15

Don’t be a know-it-all! Find wise people to advise you when you need to make a decision. Sometimes we want to be in control and forge ahead with our own plan, but listening to the prudent counsel of others can cause us to avoid some costly mistakes.

Teaching our children these seven principles – and incorporating them into our own lives! – can help all of us have good character and walk in wisdom.

Related posts:

• How to Develop a God-honoring Thought Life
• 8 Truths to Teach Our Teenagers from Proverbs 13
• 7 Lessons Parenting Teaches Us About Ourselves

I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. What I write about here is often what I’m dealing with in the moment.

There’s a lot of uncertainty about how the coming school year will begin, especially here in South Carolina. We’re having some of our highest numbers of coronavirus cases since all this started, especially in Charleston County, which is where my younger daughter’s school is located. Across the country, many parents are having to make decisions about whether their child will attend school in person, only virtually, or some mix of the two.

Uncertainty is not where I thrive!! In the midst of all the upheaval, it’s the familiar Bible verses that are bringing me comfort. Yesterday it was this one.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

The God who knows the end from the beginning has peaceful thoughts toward us, not evil ones. “An expected end” is also translated as “a future and a hope.” God has plans and hope for our and our children’s future. (And couldn’t we all use some hope about now??!!) He has a purpose for us as parents and for our children as we walk through unsettling times.

I already know that my high school daughter’s senior year is not going to look like we expected. Even if they have in-person school, I don’t see her cheer squad traveling to games or the fine arts program competing in events. And what if things get worse and, after starting in-person, they switch back to only online learning?

You may be facing different decisions for your child right now, maybe totally unrelated to schooling. But as I try to come to grips with my own current situation, I developed eight tips to help me get started on making a decision. This post is geared toward making schooling decisions, but the tips can certainly be applied to choosing extracurricular activities or determining how old your child needs to be to have certain privileges!

1. Pray for wisdom.

“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” ~James 1:5

Claiming this promise on a daily basis! God has the true wisdom we need to make decisions. No, we won’t find a Bible verse that says, “Choose this schooling option for your child” or “Sign your child up for this activity.” But we can find principles in His Word and ask for Holy Spirit guidance as we pray.

2. Lay out all of the options.

Admittedly, if you’re in a situation like ours, you’re not sure exactly what the options are at this point. But write out the ones you do know. If you choose to homeschool on your own, what programs are available to you? Do you know yet what options the school your child normally attends are offering? You may need to consider any financial implications related to each option as well.

3. Decide what the long-term goal is.

Because our daughter’s planning on attending college in a year, one of our goals is for her to complete a couple of dual enrollment classes. Those will earn her high school and college credit. Maybe your children are younger, and you want them to have a solid math foundation or they need to catch up in a certain subject. Determine what the desired outcome is and look at which choice is most likely to get you there.

4. Don’t let fear decide for you.

Fear can affect our decisions, and usually not in a positive way. There are certainly risk factors to consider. This could be a child going a long way off to college or having your child try a new curriculum or, in today’s reality, catching the coronavirus.

So use common sense. Take your particular situation into consideration. Drill down into what you’re afraid of and then make the call from a place of confidence. Which leads to…

5. Gather helpful information.

Don’t be obsessive about it (a tendency of mine!), but research your options. Be informed. Figure out what the results might look like if you choose one way over another.

6. Get wise counsel from others.

Talk to those who have already made the choice you’re considering or who have direct knowledge of the situation. Don’t listen to every talking head, news pundit, or distant relative who is convinced that if you don’t do it their way, you must be crazy.

7. Base your decision on what’s best for your individual child and your family as a whole.

You know your child better than anyone else does. Some children work well independently. Others need teacher direction or more social interaction. There may not be a perfect fit, but choose what best meets your child’s needs. At the same time, consider how that choice will affect your whole family.

8. Pray for peace.

We’ll start and end this discussion with prayer. Here’s another one of those familiar verses that’s always applicable.

“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:6-7

God can give you peace that you’re making the right decision. Take it to Him in prayer, then make your call. And rest in knowing that there are very few decisions that can’t be changed when they no longer work for you!

Related posts:

• 10 Ways to Manage All the Hopes and Dreams We Have for Our Children
• 7 Lessons Parenting Teaches Us About Ourselves
• 10 Bible Verses to Pray When Your Teenager Needs Direction

It’s crazy to realize that my “baby” is 17!! That’s a lot of years that she’s lived in our house…and a lot of chances we as parents have had to try to share advice and wisdom.

I don’t know how much of it has stuck. We’re all still learning and growing together around here. But today I thought I’d give it another shot with this list of 17 things I want her to know.

1. You’ll never regret being kind.

At the end of the day, it’s usually not the number of times I was kind that I dwell on. No, it’s those moments when I lost my temper or snapped in anger or said something unkind that I wish I could do over.

2. Ground your life now in God’s Word and prayer.

Developing spiritual disciplines in this period of major life decisions is vital. Getting into the habit as a teenager will serve you well for a lifetime.

3. True beauty begins within.

You like makeup and hairstyle trends and that’s all fun and good. But always remember that real beauty shines through from a kind heart and thoughtful gestures and a love for others.

4. Stay true to yourself.

Don’t change who you are to impress a guy or to fit in with a particular group of girls. Find someone who shares that unusual hobby or enjoys the same genre of books. Be you.

5. Be thoughtful about what you post on social media.

People who know you in real life know your heart. Those who only read your online posts don’t.

6. Conversely, know that what someone posts on social media (or how you interpret it) may not be who they really are.

For better or worse, not everyone is a sum total of their tweets or Instastories.

7. Have truth-tellers in your life who will gently show you your mistakes.

This could be a best friend, a husband, a sibling, or a mentor. But have someone who loves you enough to help you grow into a better person, even when it hurts.

8. Be a lifelong learner.

Always be learning. Have a thirst to know more about God and His Word. Read non-fiction books. See the world from other perspectives than your own.

9. Don’t allow the news media or online influencers to dictate your beliefs.

Think for yourself. Base decisions on truth from Scripture. Don’t just fall for the latest political trends or blindly follow a currently popular teacher.

10. Give grace to others.

Parents, teachers, friends who are figuring out life alongside you – they’re all going to make mistakes, and they need the same grace you’ll want extended to yourself.

11. Make good memories.

Be present with your friends. Plan things to do together that don’t involve your phone. And even join in making memories with your family!

12. Look past a guy’s physical appearance to his character.

Yes, you want the physical attraction to be there, but it’s his character – loyalty, honesty, work ethic, sense of humor – that will make him someone you want to spend a lifetime with.

13. Listen to your body.

Are you sick? Do you need to drink more water? Have you not moved your body in three days? Have you been sleeping enough? Treat your body well ’cause it’s the only one you get.

14. Develop firm boundaries around your entertainment choices.

What types of books will you read and not read? How about the movies you’ll allow yourself to watch? Is there music you need to protect yourself from? Set Biblical guidelines today to guide you. Make decisions ahead of time to inform your choices in the moment.

15. Enjoy life’s simple pleasures.

Never get over a beautiful sunset, a walk on the beach, or the taste of a perfectly ripe strawberry. No matter how much money you make or how many amazing experiences you have, always treasure the simple pleasures.

16. Remember that very few decisions are permanent.

Marriage, yes. But in many other areas, don’t get locked into one thing and never try something new. Want to live in the city? Try it for a year. You can always move back to the suburbs. Really don’t like the career you’re in? Develop a plan to try something new.

17. Leave it all on the field.

So that’s a sports metaphor, but basically I’m saying give it all you’ve got. Do your best in the classroom and on the court and at work. Love well. Put relationships first.

At seventeen, you have some wonderful, exciting, and challenging years ahead of you. You’ve got this!! So proud, thankful, and blessed to be your mom.

Related posts:

• Grace for the Gaps in Our Parenting
• 12 Things I’m Glad I Did as a Mom
• 10 “Don’ts” for Moms of Teenage Girls

As parents, one of the great privileges we have is teaching God’s Word to our children. They soak up so much information in their early years! We can use this time to build a foundation in Scripture for them. I’ve found that the Bible verses I memorized as a child come to mind so much more easily than those I’ve learned in later years!

In Deuteronomy 6:6-7, we’re instructed to diligently teach God’s Word to our children. We’re to do it constantly and give it careful attention. Having a plan makes it more likely that this will happen.

We can be grateful for those teachable moments that present themselves with no preparation on our part. But for all those other times, here are seven tips you might find helpful. (Now that our children are almost grown, I can only say that I wish I’d done these even more!)

1. Play scripture songs.

Make a playlist on your phone, stream children’s songs through a speaker, or just put in a good ol’ cd! When our girls were younger, a couple that we had on repeat were Hide ‘Em in Your Heart Volumes 1 and 2 as well as Cedarmont Kids Bible Songs.

Turn the music on while everyone is getting ready in the morning or while you’re in the car together. Or play it softly in their bedroom as they’re falling asleep.

2. Practice Bible memory verses together.

If your child is learning verses for school or church, take a couple of minutes after a particular meal or at another designated time to have them say the verse to you. You could also write them on 3×5 cards to practice while you’re waiting for an appointment or something else to start. Or keep verse cards in the car and use travel time to practice.

3. Have a scheduled family devotional time.

We had periods of our girls’ lives when we were fairly consistent with this, and at other times, not so much. It worked best to have ours on weeknights right after supper while we were all still at the table.

Family devotions don’t have to be long and drawn out. They can range from reading and commenting on a Bible passage to reading a missionary biography or other book with character-building stories. The Miller Family series was our favorite when the girls were younger.

4. Read a brief Bible story or devotional book together at bedtime.

You can find children’s devotional books for almost every age group. We read through several different Bible storybooks by just reading a small portion to our daughters every night at bedtime. Whether for our children or us, what better way to close our day than by focusing on God’s Word.

5. Connect with your child over what they learned at church.

During the drive home from church on Sundays, we used to ask our girls what they’d learned about in Sunday School and children’s church. When one of our daughters was around 4 years old, she actually lied to us about what the lesson had been about! I saw the paper she’d completed in children’s church, and it was nothing close to what she said they’d learned. I checked with the teacher later, and sure enough, our daughter just made something up. It just struck me as strange that that was our daughter chose to lie about!

Hopefully your conversations with your children about what they learned at church will go more smoothly than that one did!

6. Use Bible verses as you deal with your children and their life situations.

When situations arise that your child needs help resolving, seek to use Bible verses to help them figure out what to do. Whether it’s a conflict with a friend or a need for peace or a bad habit for them to conquer, there’s a Bible verse that addresses it. This also encourages us to know the Bible ourselves so we can direct them to appropriate verses.

7. Let your children see you having your own personal time with the Lord.

You know the old saying, “More is caught than taught.” Allow your children to see you reading your Bible and hear you praying or memorizing Scripture for yourself.

Some of these opportunities have passed for me since our daughters are in their late teens. They’re not around nearly as much, and my bedtime is now way earlier than theirs! So from this side of things, let me say that you will never regret the time you spend helping your children learn more about God and His Word.

If you have additional tips to add to this list, I’d love to hear them!

Related posts:

• 10 Bible Verses for Little Ones
• 8 Verses from Proverbs to Teach Your Children
• 10 Bible Verses for Teens to Memorize

How’s parenting life going today?

Maybe it’s a great day. The kids are entertaining themselves and playing well together. They’ve been relatively obedient and no one’s crossing the boundaries you’ve set.

Or maybe your teenager has a bad attitude and doesn’t want to do anything with the family. Perhaps there’s been one argument after another with a child who wants to do the opposite of whatever you suggest.

We all have a mix of those types of days, though to be fair, it does seem like the difficult days outweigh the easier ones sometimes! And no matter the gender, age, or personality-type of child we have, we always need wisdom as we parent.

As I’ve mentioned here before, one of my favorite Bible passages is Proverbs 3:5-6. Today I wanted to take those verses and see how they might apply to our parenting.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

It didn’t take me long after becoming a mom to realize that trusting myself to parent well wasn’t going to go smoothly. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t tried to do it in my own strength on many occasions!

If I’d only had one of my children, I’d have been patting myself on the back thinking what a great parent I was. She just has a milder temperament and is easy to get along with. She was one of those who, when she was young, could get teary-eyed if you just gave her a stern look.

But God also gave us a strong-willed child, perhaps to keep me humble. Parenting her has specifically shown me how much I need Him in order to parent well.

There are many ways we could talk about trusting God in parenting, but here are three.

• Trust Him with the past. We all know there’ve been times we blew it as parents. Ask God for forgiveness, apologize to your child, and move on. God’s grace is there for us and our children.
• Trust Him with the present. Ask for wisdom as we’re told to do in James 1:5. Every stage of life brings challenges, and what worked with your child before will likely change. Pray, get good counsel if needed, and then walk forward in your parenting having faith that God will guide you.
• Trust Him with the future. Parent a teenager and you will quickly realize that any control you thought you had was an illusion. You could pick up that screaming two-year-old and take him to his room. That doesn’t work so well when he’s twelve! But God is still able to work in his heart. Every situation our children will face in the coming years can be trusted to God’s care.

Don’t lean on your own understanding.

My “understanding” would include a variety of things. Like jumping to conclusions instead of waiting to hear the whole story. Thinking that my unruly three-year-old will never learn to obey. Worrying about a situation involving my child and giving in to fear about what will happen if I’m not around to step in.

Or it might be thinking that what I want for them (which would include a life of ease and no disappointments) will lead to them becoming the mature adult they should be. But we know our way – the easy way – isn’t really what’s best for them.

It’s probably natural to rely on our own experiences or even our particular desires for our children. But this passage tells us not to rest in how we perceive things. God alone sees the whole picture and knows how to work in the life of our child.

In all your ways acknowledge Him.

“God, I need your help.” That’s a daily prayer for us as we realize our inadequacies as parents. It seems like the longer I parent, the more I see those deficiencies!

Whatever decisions we need to make, regarding discipline or direction or just patience for daily parenting, let’s recognize God as our all-wise provider. We can set a wonderful example for our children as they see us putting Him first…even ahead of them. More than we want to make our children happy we should want to please our Lord.

He will direct your paths.

We’d all agree that we want God to lead us in our parenting journey! For us, one aspect of this has been the Holy Spirit revealing issues to us that need to be addressed in our children’s lives. Our discovering things “behind the scenes” have sometimes led our girls to believe that we find out everything. But it’s God’s grace that has allowed us to spot areas of weakness and then walk through them together.

I’ve found that He will also direct you in letting go. It’s a hard line to walk. At what age do we allow what freedoms? We’re dealing with this in a couple of areas now. I hope (!) I’m learning that as I trust Him fully and acknowledge His authority, He will lead and guide us.

I’m thankful that all of God’s Word is given to us to help us meet our daily challenges and to encourage us in every aspect of our lives!

Related posts:

• 4 Bible Verses to Hold on to as We Parent Teenagers
• Grace for the Gaps in Our Parenting
• 8 Truths to Teach Our Teenagers from Proverbs 13

Judging by the title of this post, you could be led to believe that it’s not always easy to communicate with our teenagers. If it were, we wouldn’t need tips on how to do it!

I’m not an expert in this area. I’m definitely still learning what works and what doesn’t, partly because every teenager’s personality and communication style are a little different. Some teens are much more likely to share their thoughts and feelings, while it takes real strategizing to get another one to open up.

After parenting two teen daughters for quite a while now, I’ve found a few things that could be helpful. Choose a few to try the next time there’s a breakdown in communication!

1. Be available.

The other morning, our 19-year-old toasted a bagel for her breakfast and sat down in our kitchen to eat. Even though I’d already cleaned up the kitchen from my breakfast, I found something else to do in there so I’d be close by in case she wanted to talk.

We obviously don’t put our lives on hold waiting for our teen to speak to us, but conversations won’t happen if we’re not around. If we’re available when they get home from school or their job or when we know they’ll be hanging out near the fridge looking for something to eat, they might just want to talk to us.

(Where I totally fail is in the late-night talks. I’ve heard that many teens open up at the very end of their day, but I just don’t have the stamina to make it much past 10pm!)

2. Don’t ask a lot of questions.

This is somewhat dependent on a child’s personality. We have one daughter who doesn’t seem quite as annoyed by our questions as the other one does.

But we don’t want to come across as an interrogator. That’s been me when they come home from an event. “Who was there?” “What did you eat?” “What else did you do?” I’ve found that if I wait until later, much of that information will actually flow out in normal conversation.

3. Don’t jump to conclusions.

This goes a little bit against number two above, because in certain situations you do need to ask questions to get to the bottom of something. But be careful to hear your teen out. Be direct if you want to know what’s going on, rather than dancing around the subject. I’ve been guilty of this twice recently. You’d think I’d know better by now!

4. Give them a heads up if you’re going to have a difficult conversation.

Both of our daughters seem to appreciate it if I start an awkward or confrontational conversation by letting them know, in a calm voice, that there’s an issue we need to address.

I also try to use the sandwich principle – start and end with something positive. “Thank you for cleaning up after breakfast this morning” or “I appreciate how you’re getting your homework done on time” before launching into the discussion.

5. Don’t raise your voice.

I realize this is naturally easier for some people than others. We’ve never been a family who yells, so I’m not tempted to do this very often. As a teacher, I learned that if I made my voice quieter, usually the students did the same.

Stay calm even if your teen raises her voice. Increasing the volume doesn’t increase the chance of a positive outcome.

6. It’s okay to tell your teen how what she said made you feel.

If your teen says something hurtful, let her know about it…when things have calmed down. Usually, when she’s not caught up in the moment, she’ll realize she was out of line. And of course, apologize if you’ve said something unkind.

7. Figure out what their interests are, and learn enough to talk about them.

Our college daughter developed some new interests during her first year of college – like broom hockey. Maybe your teen has a favorite book series, sports team, or is developing a new hobby. Study up on the subject enough that you can carry on an intelligent conversation with them.

8. Actually listen to what they’re saying so that you can keep the conversation going.

Teens can get frustrated when you ask follow up questions that they’ve already covered in the initial conversation. It shows that you weren’t really listening to what they were saying.

9. Allow them to process their thoughts out loud.

We’ve had some interesting conversations around our supper table over the years. Sometimes teens will come out with crazy thoughts or random ideas. As adults, we can tend to shoot them down because we know it won’t work. But let them talk it out before trying to guide them to a reasonable conclusion.

10. Don’t use trite phrases to make them feel better.

Show empathy. Sometimes the best thing is to just sit with them in their pain. Whatever they’re going through may not get better, at least not for a while.

When our daughter found out last month that she was coming home from college for the rest of the semester, I needed to remember this. I needed to say things like, “I know this is hard. It’s not what you wanted.” At least at first, she needed to feel understood, not rushed to feel that everything was okay.

While I didn’t give this tip a number, it’s the most important one of all! Ask God for wisdom to help you know how best to communicate with your teen. The passcode on my phone continues to be a reference to James 1:5, to remind me that His wisdom is available for the asking.

Related posts:

• 8 Truths to Teach Our Teenagers from Proverbs 13
• 10 Bible Verses to Pray When Your Teenager Needs Direction
• 4 Bible Verses to Hold on to as We Parent Teenagers