Girls To Grow

Nurturing moms in their walk with God

20 Things I’ve Learned in 20 Years of Parenting

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Our older daughter turned 20 last week. Yikes, y’all! On one hand, I ask, “Where has the time gone?” On the other, I feel so very blessed to have walked with our children as they’ve grown to be the almost-adults they are today.

As I reflected over these 20 years of parenting, I came up with 20 lessons I’ve learned. There’s some hard-won wisdom that comes with all this parenting experience! And I know there’s even more I’ll be learning in this new stage of life as we parent young adults.

Twenty lessons I've learned in twenty years of parenting

1. Parenting teaches us just as much about ourselves as it does about our children.

It’s shown me my lack of patience and my love of myself. Parenting has also revealed how much I like to be in control…and the fact that I really control very little when it comes to my children.

2. I’ll always love my children, but there are days I may not like them.

In the middle of a day filled with a child’s defiance or her attitude that constantly needs adjusting, I may feel like I deserve a serious break from my kids! Those days, while not easy, are to be expected. But I will always love my daughters and want what is best for them.

3. Having mom friends in the same stage of parenting is invaluable.

I’ve felt like a certain stage of parenting is making me crazy, like surely no one else has the same struggles with their child that I do with mine. But then I sit and talk with another mom and am reassured that I’m not the only one dealing with those issues. It’s comforting and encouraging to realize that other moms are in the same boat!

4. There’s no feeling like watching your child perform or compete in something they enjoy.

I have loved watching our girls at basketball games, cheer competitions, and fine arts performances. It’s one of the things I’ll really miss when our younger daughter graduates from high school in June.

5. I can’t parent well without God’s wisdom.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. God’s promise in James 1:5 to give wisdom liberally to those who ask for it has been a lifesaver in my years of parenting teens. There are many times when I haven’t know what to do or how to respond in a situation. Yet God keeps His promise and gives wisdom.

6. I’m so blessed to have a husband who parents with me.

He is so wise and sees situations from more of a long-term perspective than I do. It’s helpful to have someone who knows and loves our children as much as I do to speak into their lives. It also give me a great admiration for single mothers who have to handle parenting duties alone.

7. Children are sinners who sin…just like their mother.

I can tend to expect perfection which no one can live up to. I never wanted to be the parent who told the teacher, “My child would never lie/cheat/steal/say a bad word.” Because we’re all tempted, and sometimes we give in. This doesn’t mean that we make excuses for our children, but we recognize that they will sin and then deal with it when it happens.

8. Those siblings who fight like cats and dogs can eventually become great friends.

We had plenty of bickering in our house over the years. And do our girls get along perfectly now? Not every minute. But they FaceTime and text when they’re apart. They choose to go Black Friday shopping together. And whenever our college daughter comes home, they’ll stay up for hours catching up on each other’s lives – having actually invited their sister into their bedroom!

9. I am not my child’s Holy Spirit.

I can’t make my child ask Jesus to be her Savior. Neither can I force her to grow in her walk with God. I can teach her about God’s Word and expose her to what I believe, but ultimately, the choices she makes about her faith have to be her own.

10. Every child is different.

This is an obvious one, but so important. Each child responds differently to correction. One needs more boundaries or words of encouragement or physical touch. An interesting part of parenting is getting to know each child as an individual.

11. Prayer is an invaluable resource.

I can take everything to God in prayer – my child’s health, friendships (or lack thereof), habits, struggles, attitudes, decisions, and anything and everything else. God is in control. He can give me peace and help my child.

12. Biting your tongue is a valuable parenting skill.

This applies to interacting with your 15-year-old who knows it all. Rather than launch into a lecture when they’re spouting off about something, it’s often helpful to use phrases like, “You could be right.”

But it also applies to younger children. When correcting our girls, I’ve been guilty of going on and on instead of just getting to the point. That’s especially valuable when dealing with one of our daughters who definitely appreciates a direct approach!

13. Traditions are a fun part of family culture.

I actually wish I’d created more traditions when our children were young, but I treasure the ones we have! For example, we go out to eat and then walk on the beach the Saturday evening before Mother’s Day. An early Christmas Eve dinner at home is followed by a drive to downtown Charleston and dessert at Kaminsky’s Dessert Cafe.

Some traditions have to change over the years, but I’m already looking forward to adding some new ones as our girls move into the next stage of life.

14. Reading aloud to my children was a great use of my time.

I know that not everyone loves to read, but it’s a pastime I so enjoyed sharing with our daughters. When they were little, we’d read books before nap time and at bedtime…and at other random times during the day. Introducing them to books that were my childhood favorites (and getting to re-read them myself) was a great pleasure during their younger years. And sometimes reading books together opens the door to discussing valuable life lessons.

15. Being a stay-at-home mom is a luxury…and also hard.

Not everyone has the option to stay home with their children during the workday. I’m so grateful for a husband who’s supported me in that – and has also been willing to listen to me unload about all that happened at the end of the day! Because 24/7 with two little ones – or two older ones! – can be a challenge. But I wouldn’t trade the years I’ve had with our girls for anything.

16. Start teaching them to handle issues for themselves at an early age.

In other words, don’t step in every time there’s an argument with a friend. Try to get them to work it out on their own. Explain to them how to address a teacher if they have a question about their grade or need to talk about something that happened in class. There certainly may be times you need to get involved, but try to make that the exception, not the norm.

17. Not every parenting hill is worth dying on.

I found this to be true whether it was my toddler or my teen. Put simply, choose your battles.

18. When they hurt, I hurt.

It can be a broken friendship, not making the team, or some other disappointment that brings on tears or hurt feelings. Because it effects them so deeply, I hurt with and for them. And I’m finding this doesn’t change, not matter how old they get.

19. Other people who pour into my kids are one of life’s greatest blessings.

Teachers, coaches, babysitters, piano teachers, or youth pastors – the list of people who can influence our kids for good is long. We have been blessed to have many of these in our daughters’ lives over the years.

20. Children are a gift from God and bring much joy to our lives.

There have been some really hard days of parenting. But what a gift that God gives us precious lives to steward for Him…and in the process gives us relationships that bless us over and over again all throughout our lives.

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How to Give Your Teenage Daughter Her Independence

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Can I go to the mall with some friends on Saturday?

What time do I have to be home after the game?

Do I still have to text you when I get where I’m going?

How old do I have to be to…(go on a date/ride in a car with a friend who just got her license/take a three-hour road trip with friends/etc, etc, etc)?

My husband and I have been asked some version of these questions – and many others! – over the last five years. In two weeks, our daughters will be 20 and 18. We are definitely still in the process of giving our girls their independence!

Today I’m sharing eleven things we’re learning as we go through this process. I’ll likely need to update it in another few years! And since I’m a girl mom, that’s my perspective here. But I think many of these apply to teenage sons as well.

Check out these eleven tips we moms can use as we allow our teen daughters to make their own decisions and become independent adults.

1. Cover your daughter in prayer.

Let’s start with the absolute most important thing! Pray for your daughter. God has brought us to this point in our parenting. He is the one we can trust to walk with our children through whatever these teen and young adult years hold.

Our Heavenly Father, who loves our daughters even more than we do, is always with them, even when we are not. His Holy Spirit can work in their lives and guide them when we cannot. Let’s continually pray that they will be open to His leading. (Here are three prayers based on Scripture that we can pray as we’re learning to let go of our teenagers.)

2. Get wisdom.

Go to your Bible. Read passages about the wise and the foolish in Proverbs. Look for Scriptural principles that will help you make good decisions. Ask counsel from older moms you respect who have already walked through this season of life.

And while we pray for our daughters, let’s also pray for ourselves. Ask God to grant us wisdom to release them in a way that will honor Him and be good for our girls.

3. Give independence a little at a time.

It’s like learning to drive. You start out in a large, empty parking lot. Then it’s on to quiet, neighborhood streets, followed by slightly busier roads, a four-lane highway, and finally the interstate!

This applies to many areas from having cell phones to participating in certain activities to how often they can go out with friends. Don’t throw them in the deep end, so to speak. Slowly allow them to have more privileges…once you’ve dealt with number four.

4. Have some definite boundaries that don’t change.

These will vary based on your family and situation. But whatever you determine your boundaries are, communicate them clearly to your teenager. It could be a curfew, rules about driving, or places they’re not allowed to go alone.

Even though our children likely won’t understand, we can explain that we’ve set these boundaries for their own protection. Also share how you’re feeling about the letting go process and challenge them to build trust by following the guidelines you’ve set.

5. Base privileges on her level of responsibility.

In our married life, my husband and I have owned one dog. We had her until right before our now 17-year-old daughter was born. Since then, for various reasons, we’ve never had a pet.

However, when our college freshman daughter came home because of the pandemic back in March, she bought a fish. (That counts as a pet, right??) Now she’s preparing to come home between semesters and wants to bring the hamster she and her roommate currently have. Because she regularly took care of that fish (meaning I never smelled anything weird in her room, which is my litmus test), we don’t have a problem with that.

That’s a minor example, but you get the point. As our daughters prove themselves able to handle a little independence, we give them more.

6. Let her make some decisions on her own.

How late can she stay up at night? Can she sleep in on Saturday and skip that extra sports practice? At some point, she has to work out in her mind if she would rather get that extra sleep or deal with the consequence of not getting to start in the game because she missed practice. I’m good at trying to impose what I think she should do, but at a certain age, she needs to own her decisions.

You can feel pretty good about yourself as a parent when they make what you deem is the right decision. However, you’ll remain humble because…

7. Know that she’ll likely mess up a time or two.

You’ve given her a curfew and she’s late. You told her to text you when she was leaving her friend’s house, and she forgot. We’re not perfect and neither are they. I heard someone say recently, “As parents, we’re just sinners raising sinners.” It’s okay to give grace occasionally, but…

8. Allow natural consequences to happen.

If her poor decision has repercussions, don’t rescue her from them. I think the lesson is most effective if it’s a natural consequence, but that doesn’t always happen. If you’ve agreed that a certain restriction will be enforced for a particular action, follow through.

9. Maintain some oversight until she’s proven she can handle her independence.

Our children build trust by being responsible. One easy example is cell phones. While we haven’t managed them perfectly, we tried to guide our girls by maintaining the ability to check their texts or monitor their Instagram account, especially as they were starting out. As they handled those things well, we felt there was less of a need to oversee it. However, that would change if they were misusing their phones.

10. Have frequent conversations about how her decisions now can impact her future.

Teenagers tend to live in the moment, so it’s up to us as the adults to help them think long-term. Now she’s likely not going to be excited about these conversations, but bring them up anyway – especially when she’s a captive audience, like when you’re in the car together or eating out at a restaurant.

11. Be excited with her as she experiences new milestones.

The first time each of our daughters drove off in the car by herself, I was a nervous wreck! I prayed from the time they left the driveway until they got back home!! Yet they were each thrilled with the independence that came from driving, so I made sure to be excited with them.

Offer your love, support, and encouragement. After all, this is what we’ve been working toward all these years. What a blessing to see our daughters growing up, learning to be independent, and stepping into all that God has for their future!

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7 Life Principles from Proverbs to Teach Our Children

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We’re one month into our youngest daughter’s senior year of high school, and the countdown is on. Not literally, because I’m not ready to actually dwell on that yet! But in the back of my mind, I know that we’re now looking at months – not years – before she steps out on her own.

As parents, we have a lot we want to teach our children in the eighteen or so years while they live in our homes. There are some practical skills that will come in real handy for them – like brushing their teeth, doing laundry, and driving a car. But there are also character traits we want them to develop as they mature.

Teaching our children truth from the Bible is much more valuable than just giving our opinion or sharing our life experiences, though those can be helpful. When our children are young, we can introduce principles very simply, ideally in the form of a story. Isaiah 28:9-10 talks about teaching “precept upon precept…line upon line…here a little, and there a little.” As they become teenagers, we can move into deeper conversations.

I recently went through Proverbs and found seven principles that our children can benefit from. There are many more in this particular book of the Bible, but these are a good place to start.

Here's wisdom from Proverbs to help our children develop character traits that will benefit them throughout their lives.

1. You need to guard your heart.

“Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” ~4:23

We have to be proactive in setting a guard. In other words, be on the lookout for things that would turn you away from following God. To me this especially means guarding your thought life. Protect it from sinful influences. This could help you explain to your child why your family doesn’t watch certain movies, read particular books, or listen to some styles of music. What we think about comes out in our words and actions.

I pray this verse daily for one of our daughters, that she will diligently guard her heart. Negative emotions like fear, doubt, or a lack of confidence can also cause infiltrate our hearts and cause us to make poor decisions.

2. Sin makes you a slave.

“His own iniquities shall take the wicked himself, and he shall be holden with the cords of his sins.” ~5:22

We think freedom comes when we get to choose whatever we want to do. Let’s help our children understand that when we choose sin, it eventually makes you do whatever it wants you to.

Too often we think we can commit a sin once or twice, and then walk away from it, but that’s rarely the case. As Christians, we can get the victory, but it takes God’s grace and the power of the Holy Spirit.

3. Laziness makes you poor.

“How long wilt thou sleep, O sluggard? when wilt thou arise out of thy sleep? Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep: So shall thy poverty come as one that travelleth, and thy want as an armed man.” ~6:9-11

Here are the basics. Work hard. Be responsible. Get rich quick schemes don’t work. Let me just add that as parents, one of the qualities we most value in a potential spouse for our children is someone who knows the value of hard work.

4. Don’t talk too much.

“In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.” ~10:19

We’ve all had times when we said something we immediately wished we could take back. That goes back to the old adage of “think before you speak!” And no one likes being around a person who doesn’t have an off button! If you talk alot, something you say is going to get you into trouble. And an easy way to be wise is just to get control of your tongue. (Much easier said than done!)

5. Be generous.

“The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.” ~11:25

Give. Not just your money, but your time. No matter how little you think you have, it would appear abundant to someone else. Look for ways to bless others, and you’ll find that you’re blessed as well.

6. If you go looking for trouble, you’ll find it.

“He that diligently seeketh good procureth favour: but he that seeketh mischief, it shall come unto him.” ~11:27

Let your child know that their reputation proceeds them, even at a young age. Don’t let yourself be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Pay attention to the people you hang around with and the situations you put yourself in.

7. Listen to wise advice.

“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel is wise.” ~12:15

Don’t be a know-it-all! Find wise people to advise you when you need to make a decision. Sometimes we want to be in control and forge ahead with our own plan, but listening to the prudent counsel of others can cause us to avoid some costly mistakes.

Teaching our children these seven principles – and incorporating them into our own lives! – can help all of us have good character and walk in wisdom.

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5 Prayers to Pray When Your Child is Hurting

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One of the most helpless feelings in the world is seeing your child hurting and not being able to do anything about it. That’s true whether they’re dealing with physical pain or suffering emotionally.

I remember taking our daughters to the doctor for their vaccination shots when they were babies. My heart almost broke as they cried, even though I knew it was what we believed was best for their long-term health!

While we certainly pray for our children’s physical needs, we’ll also have times of praying for their emotional needs. Most of us will deal with a child who’s upset over a broken friendship or feels left out in a social situation. They’ll also likely face disappointment and failure. And from experience, I can say that it doesn’t get any easier as they get older. In fact, the stakes and the feelings just get bigger!

So here are five prayers we can pray for our children when they go through difficult times emotionally. And honestly, we could pray these for ourselves in similar situations!

Here are five prayers based on God's Word that we can pray for our children when they're in a difficult place.

1. Give her beauty for ashes, joy instead of mourning, and exchange her heaviness for praise.

“The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives…to comfort all that mourn…to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness…” ~Isaiah 61:-13

When disappointment comes and it seems that her dreams have been crushed, God still has a plan. In the moment, just sit with her. Hold her, listen to her, grieve with her. Then pray for God to work it all for His glory and her good.

Dear God, take the ashes of this situation and turn it into something beautiful. While all she can do right now is grieve over what is lost, in time, please let her joy return. Her heart is heavy, but you are greater than her disappointment. As only You can, put a spirit of praise within her.

2. Remind her that you are always with her and will never fail her.

“And the Lord, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.” ~Deuteronomy 31:8

Sometimes our child may feel alone, that she’s by herself in a hard place. Dad and mom can’t always be there, but God is always available. He has promised that He will never leave or forsake His own. When she’s bewildered and discouraged, she needs this truth prayed over her.

God, she knows this truth in her head, that You’ll never leave her. Now embed it in her heart. Help her to rely on the truth of your Word and your faithfulness. Overcome the fear that wants to entrap her and give her courage to take the next step.

3. Restore her hope.

“Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.” ~Romans 15:13

None of us can make it for long without hope. When our child has lost their hope, they can feel directionless and make poor decisions. But this verse says that our God is the God of hope. He can renew her mind through His Holy Spirit and even cause her to abound in hope.

Heavenly Father, you are the God of hope. Circumstances have caused my daughter to lose her hope, so I’m asking you to restore it. May she allow your Holy Spirit to infuse her with an abundance of hope. Help her to focus on your love and power so that she might continue on with hope for the future.

4. Lead her to find her refuge in You.

“The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.” ~Psalm 9:9

Sometimes she’s not going to know where to turn. She’s going to feel burdened and helpless. That’s the time when she most needs the Lord.

Lord, let her turn to you in her trouble. There are many things in this world that say they can comfort her, but none gives true comfort but you. Help her to see her need of you clearly in this difficulty. May she know you can be her true hiding place when she’s overwhelmed. You are faithful to your Word and you will be her shelter and secure retreat.

5. Give her an eternal perspective.

“For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.” ~2 Corinthians 4:17-18

When times are hard, it’s easy for all of us to focus on what’s right in front of us. Yet putting it in perspective is so helpful. Our adversity can seem all-consuming at first, so it may take a minute to get there! But realizing that the situation will likely look different in hindsight – and certainly in light of eternity – can bring us back to where we need to be.

Dear Lord, in the midst of her struggle, lead her to a right perspective. What she’s facing is so formidable right now. Help her to be able to see past the present moment to what things can look like on the other side of this. Beyond that, give her an eternal perspective. Let her realize that what she’s going through – though hard – is temporary and that one day this will all be behind her. A home in heaven awaits. Give her a mindset that focuses on what will be important then, not just today.

How thankful I am that we have a God to whom we can take all of our burdens, a Heavenly Father who loves and cares for our children!

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10 Things That Are Easy About Being a Mother

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There’s a lot about being a mom that’s hard.

Don’t get me wrong. I know it’s a blessing to bring a child into the world. Children bring hope and joy and laughter and show you just how much love you can have for another human being.

But there are parts of being a mom that are hard…

…like giving up sleep. It starts when you bring them home from the hospital as a newborn, and continues through teething, potty training and nightmares. And then it morphs into staying up late as you wait for your teenager to come home at night.

It’s hard to discipline...to decide what offense merits what punishment. You have to set boundaries and then enforce them. And who wants to get up and correct their child for the umpteenth time when you’ve just settled down on the couch?

It’s hard to be patient. You endure one. more. sibling argument. And maybe some days you think you just can’t bear to hear “mom” yelled from the backseat or across the house ever again.

It’s hard to know what to allow when. From sleepovers (what age? only relatives? how much supervision? no sleepovers ever?) to when can I wear makeup/get my ears pierced/go on a date? Your child will often think they’re ready before you do, which can lead to a bit of a debate.

It’s hard to be consistent and stand firm in your decisions…especially if it seems your child is the only one who “has to” or “can’t” do something.

It’s hard to bear the responsibility of parenting, to be concerned about how your child’s doing in their relationships and academics and moral decisions.

Just writing all this out makes me feel tired! It sounds a little overwhelming. But then I’m reminded of the sweet parts – the easy parts – of motherhood.

So what’s easy about mothering?

Check out this list of ten things that are easy about being a mom.

1. Wanting the best for our children. I think every parent instinctively wants their child to have an easy road. We want to spare them from heartbreak and pain. We know that dealing with difficulties is part of maturing, but we do what we can to give our children good things.

2. Being amazed that your child is a unique individual with a distinct personality. Okay, sometimes this throws us for a loop – especially if they’re way different than we are – but it’s a wonderful thing to watch them develop into their own person.

3. Standing up for them. Protecting and defending our children is a natural part of motherhood. It’s also easy to take this too far in some cases…but our mama bear nature and instincts help to keep our children safe.

4. Sharing about our mom-life with fellow moms. Moms always seem to bond over parenting, especially when they’re in similar life stages. Nobody understands us like someone who’s walking through the same things.

5. Being proud of our children. This is especially true when we know how hard they’ve worked to achieve something. Seeing their diligence and perseverance pay off is so rewarding.

6. Connecting over shared interests. Whether it’s a sport they play or one you watch together, it’s fun to have conversations that you’re both invested in. It could also be about a book you both read and loved, shopping at a certain store, or baking a cake together.

7. Praying over them. I find prayer comes most naturally when they’re facing a hard situation at school or struggling in a relationship or driving off in the car alone for the first time. In situations that I can’t control (I guess that would be all of them??!), praying for them comes easily.

8. Listening to them share their hopes and dreams. I want to soak it all in when they give me a glimpse into their heart. Their secrets and confidences mean they trust me with what matters most to them.

9. Laughing with them over something we both think is funny. I love sending my girls memes or jokes or puns – pretty much anything that I think will make them laugh.

10. Loving them. There can be times we don’t like them very much, but our love for our children is never in doubt.

So yes, being a mom can be hard…but the easy parts make it so worthwhile!

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8 Tips on Making Decisions About Your Child’s Future

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I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. What I write about here is often what I’m dealing with in the moment.

There’s a lot of uncertainty about how the coming school year will begin, especially here in South Carolina. We’re having some of our highest numbers of coronavirus cases since all this started, especially in Charleston County, which is where my younger daughter’s school is located. Across the country, many parents are having to make decisions about whether their child will attend school in person, only virtually, or some mix of the two.

Uncertainty is not where I thrive!! In the midst of all the upheaval, it’s the familiar Bible verses that are bringing me comfort. Yesterday it was this one.

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

The God who knows the end from the beginning has peaceful thoughts toward us, not evil ones. “An expected end” is also translated as “a future and a hope.” God has plans and hope for our and our children’s future. (And couldn’t we all use some hope about now??!!) He has a purpose for us as parents and for our children as we walk through unsettling times.

I already know that my high school daughter’s senior year is not going to look like we expected. Even if they have in-person school, I don’t see her cheer squad traveling to games or the fine arts program competing in events. And what if things get worse and, after starting in-person, they switch back to only online learning?

You may be facing different decisions for your child right now, maybe totally unrelated to schooling. But as I try to come to grips with my own current situation, I developed eight tips to help me get started on making a decision. This post is geared toward making schooling decisions, but the tips can certainly be applied to choosing extracurricular activities or determining how old your child needs to be to have certain privileges!

1. Pray for wisdom.

“If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.” ~James 1:5

Claiming this promise on a daily basis! God has the true wisdom we need to make decisions. No, we won’t find a Bible verse that says, “Choose this schooling option for your child” or “Sign your child up for this activity.” But we can find principles in His Word and ask for Holy Spirit guidance as we pray.

2. Lay out all of the options.

Admittedly, if you’re in a situation like ours, you’re not sure exactly what the options are at this point. But write out the ones you do know. If you choose to homeschool on your own, what programs are available to you? Do you know yet what options the school your child normally attends are offering? You may need to consider any financial implications related to each option as well.

3. Decide what the long-term goal is.

Because our daughter’s planning on attending college in a year, one of our goals is for her to complete a couple of dual enrollment classes. Those will earn her high school and college credit. Maybe your children are younger, and you want them to have a solid math foundation or they need to catch up in a certain subject. Determine what the desired outcome is and look at which choice is most likely to get you there.

4. Don’t let fear decide for you.

Fear can affect our decisions, and usually not in a positive way. There are certainly risk factors to consider. This could be a child going a long way off to college or having your child try a new curriculum or, in today’s reality, catching the coronavirus.

So use common sense. Take your particular situation into consideration. Drill down into what you’re afraid of and then make the call from a place of confidence. Which leads to…

5. Gather helpful information.

Don’t be obsessive about it (a tendency of mine!), but research your options. Be informed. Figure out what the results might look like if you choose one way over another.

6. Get wise counsel from others.

Talk to those who have already made the choice you’re considering or who have direct knowledge of the situation. Don’t listen to every talking head, news pundit, or distant relative who is convinced that if you don’t do it their way, you must be crazy.

7. Base your decision on what’s best for your individual child and your family as a whole.

You know your child better than anyone else does. Some children work well independently. Others need teacher direction or more social interaction. There may not be a perfect fit, but choose what best meets your child’s needs. At the same time, consider how that choice will affect your whole family.

8. Pray for peace.

We’ll start and end this discussion with prayer. Here’s another one of those familiar verses that’s always applicable.

“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:6-7

God can give you peace that you’re making the right decision. Take it to Him in prayer, then make your call. And rest in knowing that there are very few decisions that can’t be changed when they no longer work for you!

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17 Things I Want My 17-Year-Old Daughter to Know

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It’s crazy to realize that my “baby” is 17!! That’s a lot of years that she’s lived in our house…and a lot of chances we as parents have had to try to share advice and wisdom.

I don’t know how much of it has stuck. We’re all still learning and growing together around here. But today I thought I’d give it another shot with this list of 17 things I want her to know.

Here's a list of 17 things I want my 17-year-old daughter to know as she moves into adulthood

1. You’ll never regret being kind.

At the end of the day, it’s usually not the number of times I was kind that I dwell on. No, it’s those moments when I lost my temper or snapped in anger or said something unkind that I wish I could do over.

2. Ground your life now in God’s Word and prayer.

Developing spiritual disciplines in this period of major life decisions is vital. Getting into the habit as a teenager will serve you well for a lifetime.

3. True beauty begins within.

You like makeup and hairstyle trends and that’s all fun and good. But always remember that real beauty shines through from a kind heart and thoughtful gestures and a love for others.

4. Stay true to yourself.

Don’t change who you are to impress a guy or to fit in with a particular group of girls. Find someone who shares that unusual hobby or enjoys the same genre of books. Be you.

5. Be thoughtful about what you post on social media.

People who know you in real life know your heart. Those who only read your online posts don’t.

6. Conversely, know that what someone posts on social media (or how you interpret it) may not be who they really are.

For better or worse, not everyone is a sum total of their tweets or Instastories.

7. Have truth-tellers in your life who will gently show you your mistakes.

This could be a best friend, a husband, a sibling, or a mentor. But have someone who loves you enough to help you grow into a better person, even when it hurts.

8. Be a lifelong learner.

Always be learning. Have a thirst to know more about God and His Word. Read non-fiction books. See the world from other perspectives than your own.

9. Don’t allow the news media or online influencers to dictate your beliefs.

Think for yourself. Base decisions on truth from Scripture. Don’t just fall for the latest political trends or blindly follow a currently popular teacher.

10. Give grace to others.

Parents, teachers, friends who are figuring out life alongside you – they’re all going to make mistakes, and they need the same grace you’ll want extended to yourself.

11. Make good memories.

Be present with your friends. Plan things to do together that don’t involve your phone. And even join in making memories with your family!

12. Look past a guy’s physical appearance to his character.

Yes, you want the physical attraction to be there, but it’s his character – loyalty, honesty, work ethic, sense of humor – that will make him someone you want to spend a lifetime with.

13. Listen to your body.

Are you sick? Do you need to drink more water? Have you not moved your body in three days? Have you been sleeping enough? Treat your body well ’cause it’s the only one you get.

14. Develop firm boundaries around your entertainment choices.

What types of books will you read and not read? How about the movies you’ll allow yourself to watch? Is there music you need to protect yourself from? Set Biblical guidelines today to guide you. Make decisions ahead of time to inform your choices in the moment.

15. Enjoy life’s simple pleasures.

Never get over a beautiful sunset, a walk on the beach, or the taste of a perfectly ripe strawberry. No matter how much money you make or how many amazing experiences you have, always treasure the simple pleasures.

16. Remember that very few decisions are permanent.

Marriage, yes. But in many other areas, don’t get locked into one thing and never try something new. Want to live in the city? Try it for a year. You can always move back to the suburbs. Really don’t like the career you’re in? Develop a plan to try something new.

17. Leave it all on the field.

So that’s a sports metaphor, but basically I’m saying give it all you’ve got. Do your best in the classroom and on the court and at work. Love well. Put relationships first.

At seventeen, you have some wonderful, exciting, and challenging years ahead of you. You’ve got this!! So proud, thankful, and blessed to be your mom.

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7 Tips to Help Parents Teach Their Children God’s Word

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As parents, one of the great privileges we have is teaching God’s Word to our children. They soak up so much information in their early years! We can use this time to build a foundation in Scripture for them. I’ve found that the Bible verses I memorized as a child come to mind so much more easily than those I’ve learned in later years!

In Deuteronomy 6:6-7, we’re instructed to diligently teach God’s Word to our children. We’re to do it constantly and give it careful attention. Having a plan makes it more likely that this will happen.

We can be grateful for those teachable moments that present themselves with no preparation on our part. But for all those other times, here are seven tips you might find helpful. (Now that our children are almost grown, I can only say that I wish I’d done these even more!)

1. Play scripture songs.

Make a playlist on your phone, stream children’s songs through a speaker, or just put in a good ol’ cd! When our girls were younger, a couple that we had on repeat were Hide ‘Em in Your Heart Volumes 1 and 2 as well as Cedarmont Kids Bible Songs.

Turn the music on while everyone is getting ready in the morning or while you’re in the car together. Or play it softly in their bedroom as they’re falling asleep.

2. Practice Bible memory verses together.

If your child is learning verses for school or church, take a couple of minutes after a particular meal or at another designated time to have them say the verse to you. You could also write them on 3×5 cards to practice while you’re waiting for an appointment or something else to start. Or keep verse cards in the car and use travel time to practice.

3. Have a scheduled family devotional time.

We had periods of our girls’ lives when we were fairly consistent with this, and at other times, not so much. It worked best to have ours on weeknights right after supper while we were all still at the table.

Family devotions don’t have to be long and drawn out. They can range from reading and commenting on a Bible passage to reading a missionary biography or other book with character-building stories. The Miller Family series was our favorite when the girls were younger.

4. Read a brief Bible story or devotional book together at bedtime.

You can find children’s devotional books for almost every age group. We read through several different Bible storybooks by just reading a small portion to our daughters every night at bedtime. Whether for our children or us, what better way to close our day than by focusing on God’s Word.

5. Connect with your child over what they learned at church.

During the drive home from church on Sundays, we used to ask our girls what they’d learned about in Sunday School and children’s church. When one of our daughters was around 4 years old, she actually lied to us about what the lesson had been about! I saw the paper she’d completed in children’s church, and it was nothing close to what she said they’d learned. I checked with the teacher later, and sure enough, our daughter just made something up. It just struck me as strange that that was our daughter chose to lie about!

Hopefully your conversations with your children about what they learned at church will go more smoothly than that one did!

6. Use Bible verses as you deal with your children and their life situations.

When situations arise that your child needs help resolving, seek to use Bible verses to help them figure out what to do. Whether it’s a conflict with a friend or a need for peace or a bad habit for them to conquer, there’s a Bible verse that addresses it. This also encourages us to know the Bible ourselves so we can direct them to appropriate verses.

7. Let your children see you having your own personal time with the Lord.

You know the old saying, “More is caught than taught.” Allow your children to see you reading your Bible and hear you praying or memorizing Scripture for yourself.

Some of these opportunities have passed for me since our daughters are in their late teens. They’re not around nearly as much, and my bedtime is now way earlier than theirs! So from this side of things, let me say that you will never regret the time you spend helping your children learn more about God and His Word.

If you have additional tips to add to this list, I’d love to hear them!

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How My Favorite Bible Verse Relates to Parenting

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How’s parenting life going today?

Maybe it’s a great day. The kids are entertaining themselves and playing well together. They’ve been relatively obedient and no one’s crossing the boundaries you’ve set.

Or maybe your teenager has a bad attitude and doesn’t want to do anything with the family. Perhaps there’s been one argument after another with a child who wants to do the opposite of whatever you suggest.

We all have a mix of those types of days, though to be fair, it does seem like the difficult days outweigh the easier ones sometimes! And no matter the gender, age, or personality-type of child we have, we always need wisdom as we parent.

As I’ve mentioned here before, one of my favorite Bible passages is Proverbs 3:5-6. Today I wanted to take those verses and see how they might apply to our parenting.

Though it's not specifically a parenting verse, Proverbs 3:5-6 gives us wisdom for raising our children.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

It didn’t take me long after becoming a mom to realize that trusting myself to parent well wasn’t going to go smoothly. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t tried to do it in my own strength on many occasions!

If I’d only had one of my children, I’d have been patting myself on the back thinking what a great parent I was. She just has a milder temperament and is easy to get along with. She was one of those who, when she was young, could get teary-eyed if you just gave her a stern look.

But God also gave us a strong-willed child, perhaps to keep me humble. Parenting her has specifically shown me how much I need Him in order to parent well.

There are many ways we could talk about trusting God in parenting, but here are three.

  • Trust Him with the past. We all know there’ve been times we blew it as parents. Ask God for forgiveness, apologize to your child, and move on. God’s grace is there for us and our children.
  • Trust Him with the present. Ask for wisdom as we’re told to do in James 1:5. Every stage of life brings challenges, and what worked with your child before will likely change. Pray, get good counsel if needed, and then walk forward in your parenting having faith that God will guide you.
  • Trust Him with the future. Parent a teenager and you will quickly realize that any control you thought you had was an illusion. You could pick up that screaming two-year-old and take him to his room. That doesn’t work so well when he’s twelve! But God is still able to work in his heart. Every situation our children will face in the coming years can be trusted to God’s care.

Don’t lean on your own understanding.

My “understanding” would include a variety of things. Like jumping to conclusions instead of waiting to hear the whole story. Thinking that my unruly three-year-old will never learn to obey. Worrying about a situation involving my child and giving in to fear about what will happen if I’m not around to step in.

Or it might be thinking that what I want for them (which would include a life of ease and no disappointments) will lead to them becoming the mature adult they should be. But we know our way – the easy way – isn’t really what’s best for them.

It’s probably natural to rely on our own experiences or even our particular desires for our children. But this passage tells us not to rest in how we perceive things. God alone sees the whole picture and knows how to work in the life of our child.

In all your ways acknowledge Him.

“God, I need your help.” That’s a daily prayer for us as we realize our inadequacies as parents. It seems like the longer I parent, the more I see those deficiencies!

Whatever decisions we need to make, regarding discipline or direction or just patience for daily parenting, let’s recognize God as our all-wise provider. We can set a wonderful example for our children as they see us putting Him first…even ahead of them. More than we want to make our children happy we should want to please our Lord.

He will direct your paths.

We’d all agree that we want God to lead us in our parenting journey! For us, one aspect of this has been the Holy Spirit revealing issues to us that need to be addressed in our children’s lives. Our discovering things “behind the scenes” have sometimes led our girls to believe that we find out everything. But it’s God’s grace that has allowed us to spot areas of weakness and then walk through them together.

I’ve found that He will also direct you in letting go. It’s a hard line to walk. At what age do we allow what freedoms? We’re dealing with this in a couple of areas now. I hope (!) I’m learning that as I trust Him fully and acknowledge His authority, He will lead and guide us.

I’m thankful that all of God’s Word is given to us to help us meet our daily challenges and to encourage us in every aspect of our lives!

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5 Things Parenting Is Teaching Me About My Relationship with God

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Heard the saying, “Confession is good for the soul”? So tell me, are you someone who, prior to having kids, said, “My child will never __________!”

I was. And yes, predictably, at least one or the other of my children did nearly all of the things I filled in that blank with!

Parenting has taught me a lot. It’s taught me a little about my children and a whole lot about myself. It’s also opened my eyes to some of the ways God deals with us as His children. Here are five things I’m learning about my relationship with God as I parent my own children.

1. Life is easier when you obey.

We have a strong-willed daughter who had an extended “terrible two’s” season of life. I remember thinking, “Why can’t you see that your life would go so much more smoothly if you’d simply obey?” It wasn’t like we were asking her to do extremely hard things. We had fairly simple requirements. But she liked to test the limits.

As Christians, it can take us a long time to learn that our life is better if we’ll simply obey God. Our way may seem to make more sense. Or we might not like what He’s telling us to do. But, as James 4:7 tells us, we’re to submit ourselves to God.

It’s also how we show God that we love Him. John 14:15 says, “If ye love me, keep my commandments.” Isn’t it sweet as a parent when our child does something just to please us? In that same way, our obedience is a way to show our love for and gratitude to God.

2. Growth takes time.

We know this with our children, especially physically. It’s obvious that their bodies are growing as they get older. But it’s also true with our children emotionally. Maturity allows them to handle disappointments and hard situations with more self-control.

In the same way, spiritual growth takes time. If you’re like me, sometimes you may get discouraged and wonder if you really are growing spiritually. Earlier this year, I read the book Spiritual Growth by Arthur W. Pink. He gave detailed insights into ways we can know if we’ve grown spiritually. And while I know I still have many areas to improve, I was encouraged to see that there are some areas in which I’ve experienced growth.

But remember that growth takes time. Every trial we go through, every answered prayer, each temptation overcome, and our time spent in His Word leads to our spiritual growth.

3. Sometimes “no” is the best answer.

When our children ask for something, no is certainly not what they want to hear. Yet sometimes, because we have done more of life and know what’s best for them, the answer to their request is no.

Neither do we want to hear no when we go to God with a request. We’re asking Him for something because we want it. Yet God in His infinite wisdom denies some of our petitions. And that’s another part of our spiritual growth – learning to trust that He knows what is best for us, even when we don’t understand why.

4. Parenting involves sacrifice.

Whether it’s getting up at 2am to feed a newborn or staying up till midnight waiting for your teenager to get home, sacrificing sleep is often a part of parenting. That’s only one example. We choose to make other sacrifices, too. We want to give our children the best of everything, even if that means giving up something we want.

Sacrifices could be financial or they could involve our time. Playing a game, reading books, going for a bike ride, sitting through a piano recital – these are all ways we sacrifice our time so that we can do things with our children.

We have to look no farther than John 3:16 to understand how God sacrificed for us. He gave His only son that we might have our sins forgiven and live with Him eternally. His great love sacrificed what was most precious to Him so that we could be saved.

5. There’s incredible joy in watching our children grow and mature.

We have teenagers. That in and of itself seems to mean that occasionally they’re going to do or say something immature. But there are times when they respond to a situation or make a decision that shows wisdom and discernment. There’s not much else that brings such joy to a mama’s heart!

How pleased God must be when our first reaction to a difficult situation is to turn to Him in faith rather than resort to our own tactics. When another person provokes us, and we respond in love rather than anger, I think that God smiles at how we’ve let the fruit of the Spirit guide us.

I thank God for His grace, His mercy, and His patience as we learn to walk with Him! May we display those same qualities as we parent our own children.

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